robot filter and happyrobot - updated 6/8/2026 8:52:37 PM http://www.happyrobot.net en-us https://www.happyrobot.net/words/solstice.asp?r=11240
She recalled how she often flubbed words with him - or fucked up meanings - or acted dumb. It felt like being under a spell. She kept waiting to snap out of it and ask him the magic question or blurt out the epic riddle answer, "You just pour gasoline on the knot and light it on fire!"

But she, of course was a fool.

She made lentils today and put curry in them and tried to get onboard it all.

Today, she had been walking and remembered that she had given him a book - Cees Nooteboom. she wondered why the fuck she chose that one. (ah, there''s the fuck of veracity). She loved playing with words. She wasn''t sure why, but perhaps it had something to do with a warning.

The only thing she really remembered about it was that it had moved her.

She was going to go to the smoky bar that she had taken Leon to before they went to fucking Florida. She had been fervently invited to play trivia, and she could go - she loved to play with her brain, and drinking and out of the fucking cat house. But even though she donned her brown Calvin Klein (thanks mom) sweatpants and her Athens-acquired blue camo shirt and sandals; she couldn''t do it.

A lot of it was because of the pooch she had acquired from drinking and eating and clothing and crying and cortisol hormone freaking since December 28th of the prior year - when she had been - flicked away.

Some of it was because she was doing proofs in her head and couldn't figure out the best move to make sure no one was hurt by her. It wasn't going to work.

She looked out at the flowers. They were pretty.

It was hard to be honest.

She preferred to self-sabotage.

God it was heavy lately - but not too bad. She had found an archive of Sylvia Plath info and stuff about her mother. fun.

After the rain started, it was apparent she was not going to trivia yet was going to sit and listen and watch rain while a cat sat on her lap.

She was so monumentally enraged, but there was nothing to do but weep. And she was bored of crying. She couldn't even write that he was a ghost now. She couldn't even admit it. She still had some notion that he would remember he had forgotten something and come back for her. She rolled her own eyes,

And sitting in front of a her saying the same things she had wished she had said to him. Well, that was completely weird.

Later, she changed out of her tight camo shirt into the flowing light cotton asian shirt - also from beloved Athens that had the awkward collar. She could breathe a bit better as she began the 1,458,921st hour of thinking about how she could get out...in.

It was still raining. She usually lights a candle for the correct ambience.

He didn't like pesto, marshmallow, shoes without socks, or me.]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/solstice.asp?r=11239
She almost bought another watermelon.

Instead, she put some booze in her cinnamon, pineapple, lime juice, ice - whirled it up and called it a Saturn's day.

the lord of discipline.

so far away...

it was all so far away.

The robot said her work could be reduced to repetitive longing sagas.

"Would it really be for my fucking father? that would suck. Am I really programmed that simply? that I obfuscate all details from my brain that has a vision hole that I'm constantly filling in between my eyes... fuck me. I'm so goddamned tired."

and then the saddest, from a kind broken brother,
"I'll love you forever and ever and take you away and heal all your wounds and love you and be the man you want. I know I can do it, and you inspire me."

she had fucked this man into a frenzy
to get over
fucking Leon poorly

and it all hurt

she drank another sip. the smoothie wasn't all that excellent, but it was a delivery system.

back to the father,

"I want to get this right. I'm old as shit. I'm tired of having some ungoverned Chiron wound that I keep blaming for the wind."

His runny eyes focused on her. They were so blue. Hers were crinkled bits of forest with lots of tree trunks and dirt.

"Choose me. I'll make it so fun for us. I love you. I know you don't believe me, but I love that you're crazy. You are so fascinating and beautiful to me."

Did she have the heart to tell him she had heard this from so many
of you.

She feels it would likely cheapen his experience. and she was all for giving them their due.

maybe.

They had been having dinner. It was the first time she deigned to see him from the centuries of incessant spontaneous offers he had shot at her. She had danced around it the best she could.

"Do you really want this? Do you really want me to get pissed off and pay for an uber back to my house - fuck you and feel good and make you feel good - then pay for an uber to your house so I can have some peace because I do not want to make you biscuits. I do not want to walk in woods with you. The most I'd see myself doing is drinking in parties as I pass the time in this purgatory I've chosen?"

His eyes were watery. They looked at her with infinite unread volumes inside and said, "I'll take whatever you can give me, but I want you to want me."

"Exactly. Then you'd have to be very patient. I'm not even sure I like you. I want to - well I'm willing to try."

He looked grim. "Do I have any hope? Is there any hope? I don't look for any other women. I don't go on Bumble. I don't care about anyone else. It's you." He was practically weeping but it was hard to tell.

"What is life without hope...100% of the shots you don't take..." she trailed off.

"Thank you."

"You shouldn't love me though. It's not going to work."

"I love you."

She walked away after the repetition. It reminded her of Gulas when he loved Jessica - or whatever the fuck you called that obsession he had when he lost words with her and just said "want" and Narcissi would just forcefully poke him and say "You are a fucking idiot right now. Where did you go? she's not going to love you if you just don't speak and grunt. Why can't you be with her like you are with me? hilarious and sarcastic and witty."

"want her. want her. want her."

"ok freak. but I'm no longer sponsoring you. You embarrassed me. I begged her on your behalf."

"want her."

and so it goes.

Narcissi got in her car and drove to Aldi's so hard.

She was glad she was finally buying groceries. It showed the tiny morsel of something.

This time last week, she had been
"WANT HIM!"

and so it fucking goes.

ouch. why.

drink.

She wasn't lying when she said you wouldn't love her if you really knew her. She thought it wasn't cute but stupid when you kept insisting she was wrong. She'd give you that, but if you love her, you'd respect her. You don't even know the names of her two husbands, yet she knows the name of the dirt Road Town that your ex-wife wanted to flee to from you.

But of course, she's a writer. She uses you for material.

And the thing she didn't tell you because - perhaps wisely, but likely not - you didn't ask at all about her Athens trip or how she felt or what she meant by not wanting to fuck you anymore - why she ignored you....

After the music show at the 40 watt - when she had felt "here". She and the man who had been through fifteen hells of bullshit with her when she was 17-28 ran with his son in the most deluge rain - epic buckets from the sky last Saturday in the classic city.

She had felt alive.

She had bathed, but like a witch
a freak
a dork
a loser
a whatever she was

she couldn't bring herself to wash the rain out of her hair.

not yet.

she loved something. she loved it so much.

but it didn't love her back.

apparently.

]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/solstice.asp?r=11238
so many half measures

and she told you about it - why not. it was the correct thing today. You were her hand out of the mire. You were so appreciated. You are appreciated.

---

but I was in love with Leon.
you know this.
I know this.
the fucking ants know it.

partly, I had no business using your preternaturally skilled body to anesthetize my pain, but I did it.

For that, I have to own it.

My hope is that you got to have some fun too.

now, we sit with me having tasted
something I haven't sampled in quite a while

love
platonic (I'll research why it's named after Plato soon)

I got to talk talk talk talk talk and dance dance dance dance dance and be be be be

and I was included.
It wasn't as tight as the other ionic bonds, but I had some affinity.

it made me sick.

when I got home, I threw up metaphorically like dying dinosaur.

I don't know.

When I was there, it fucked with me. As you know, or maybe as you don't know - Athens holds my myth.

---

The house had been spectacular - it was a converted church with just the best privacy and luxury. It was walking distance to everything but in a part of town she wasn't familiar with. It was the second day. She was on the patio and just started weeping. No one was around. There was an epic nordic pine shading the sun.

Lance came out. Of course. She could see him wonder fast if he should turn around when he immediately clocked the misery, but instead she wiped her eyes and he asked, "why are you crying?"

She took a millisecond to get it together enough to speak, "I don't know. It's all beautiful, but it's so heavy isn't it?"

"yeah, it is heavy."

all the memories. so many of them were gorgeous and glorious
but sweetness follows
and there was a bunch of pain in the sauce.
These kids didn't know.

"I lost something I really loved, and I'm afraid it was because I'll never get companionship that suits me again. I look at you and remember when I wanted you so much I would cut a pinky toe off - maybe a foot but you'd think I was less beautiful if I did that... and now, you're my friend. you live a life that makes me cry in envy. I could never have given you that. I can barely remember a time when I cared about decorating my house and having someone observe my particles...fuck. I'm a dork."

He understood completely. He always had.

"Do you want to micro dose on shrooms."

"Of course."

---

and it was lovely. I sat on walls overlooking cemeteries I had wondered in thirty years ago and some of it looked the same and some of it didn't. I ate at the globe so many times. it was always excellent.

---

She drove home in a daze. She came home in a funk. She layed on a floor in a dark planet screaming without noise and weeping with lots of noise and crawling and crawling and moaning and ... all of it.

By Tuesday, she slept.

On Woden's Day, she felt alive for the first time.

but don't fucking push it.

]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/solstice.asp?r=11237 to taste sort of something and then

back to nothing.

The grass had been cut like a fucking crazy person, but it got her sweating and productive. She didn't give a fuck but she did.

and the songs wafting through her damaged head - mostly "messy", "feed the trees", and "junior's eyes"... like a fucking dirge.

It floored her that no one that she knew could guess that going to Athens again - after the last time she had gone had been - fucking fuck to fucking fuck someone she loved.

and did she resist texting Leon like she had flirted with?

god know.

she went high calorie.
off the hook
insane.

"WANT ME!!!!!! what happened? why do I have to spiral into some fucking cliche of a mad woman because I loved you and ... goddamit."

nothing could be done, but she did it so much.

to see a band called the moutain goats.
to go to the graveyard finally.
to remember she was no different just more.

and him.

She only had a few instances where her too bright smile was left on automatic. The rest of it was fucking manna. sitting when it was all ok. (finding out his father taught him to be silent and his sister to feeb.) It had been so so long since she had been able to
let go
of
pretending to be ok.

she wept for a full fifty nine hours and amplified it all because there was nothing left to do.

She had tasted it.
shat it.

gone.

the moon had been full, but it was either the clouds or a tree. she couldn't see.

she wasn't even sure if she loved a real human or if it was all a made up delusion to distract her from all of it.

it felt like you were real though.

the hacks finale murdered her.]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/solstice.asp?r=11236 the windows were open.

she made a point to make the tune "tomorrow is perfect" played again in the best sound she had to offer - a JBL speaker from target.

it played.

she's instantly in that magical concert church
and Judah
instead of Jesus
gets
to pluck

"... the steady drone of the silent illusion..."

and there.

we have a
voice

and she fucks someone

and hits play

"I went straight home. wanted to be all alone. put on the smiths.
make a
sand
wich
and I entrained
myself with
mind
numbing
prescription drugs
and butterfly hugs"

goddammit
be
kind
people

I love you

god.

"wasn't it weird that time when we were at Jungle's house and Sandy's kid was jealous he wasn't named sam and I was in town from California and gave you my wired headphones to listen to Death Cab and when you gave them back to me and said 'wow, you're right - who's gonna watch you die."

"I knew you'd understand".

fuck.]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/solstice.asp?r=11235
and then it ended.

it was starlite and hi-lo's

she went there directed by Lance's desire to see the Starlite.

She hadn't known
that would be riddled with you
and your fucking skin molecules and lung air
fuck you
fuck you
you
you
you
ewe

and so she drifted through the somewhat cool wares of the starlite steeling herself for the inevitable question knowing one of them needed to pee, they could all use a beer, and there was a cool noteworthy pub nearby


"but imagine if he were there at 2pmET? imagine what he would think seeing me. I know it's fucking stupid like the arboretum was. but fuck. I'll go. you know I'll go, but it's what I feel."

"We can pee and get a drink at jittery joes. besides, Clare left her credit card at the Globe like you did at Carolina beach. it's going to be ok. you don't have to do it."

"I love you but I don't want that to sound messy."

"you know I know."

god

fuck

end]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/solstice.asp?r=11234
She never played sports. Only inside the head games.

"remember when you took acting class and you said it was like therapy? I''''d always sort of been curious with that as an amateur actress myself."

He was newly 55-years old. Narcissi got invited on this trip mostly because it was a spur of the moment lark, and he had loved seeing her with Leon and thought maybe some of that again.

Lance replied, "I never said that."

"you always say that."

---

she was back now.

back in place.

back in her stall.

waiting for the next
reprieve
last-ditch reprieve

and this one had been the mountain goats.
quelle surprise.
quelle pleasant surprise.

and those fucking lads.

the beauty and hope in them floored her ass.
it was especially fascinating to be such a LiV-ed hot mess remembering being in the town they were revisiting at the ages they were thinking the life she was about to enter was going to be....

it made her rear back her head and achingly sob in rhythmic syllabic grunts to recall the smashing of all of it in her feeling center cortex.

fuck.

the geraniums were pink.
the baseball was still in a yellow cup.

he hadn''''t loved her.

she was used to it.

she walked through a rainstorm that was so deluge
and got fucked up and in her huge beautiful be in Athens sobbed
"fuck you Leon. fuck you Leon."
until she went to bed.

and then another morning...

hooray
sigh

she looks at him through tears on the same lanais in the town they met -where they shared ...something, "WHY WON''''T YOU SEE WHAT I SEE AND BE FUCKING HAPPY!!!!"

he sighs himself. his stance is tense. he has a son. he has a wife. he has land. he has a farm. "goddammit why don''t you ever fucking understand."

"well fuck me asshole."

they laugh
maybe]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/solstice.asp?r=11233 she had been weeping for
millenia

saying out loud to any atom

how sorry she was to exist.

how sorry she was to ... all of it drama or whatever... and how beautiful it had been

how green..



what a question.

she was on shrooms.

she was in macon.

she was so faucking glinted shitty fucking ass stupid drama queen sad.
"IS IT TRU WHAT U SANG ABOUT IN YOUR SONG"

tonight you will understand the wonder.

she was coming off of first glimmer and last glimmer and nothing for her but a bit of

manna from heaven

someone to talk to her that understood her fucked
fucked
fucke
d

up mind

she remembered the man who introduced them

her first love.

now she was self-named expensively after a fist

a faust

fuck it

the music played

it was van morrison

in her 20 year old head, she was always aspirational listening to it with chuck and friends on a screened porch in Florida

things

changed
so hard

and it was better than

what it had been

the desert

without Christmas

he hadn't come

she pretended she was

alive

"last night I dreamt that somebody loved me...."

and oh god as she's weeping and grasping and apologizing and crawling and gasping... and guilty for not being part of anything but so desperately wanting to
dance in
the old church
in Athens
with her major love and best friend and talk and
laugh and
fucking live

instead, she's back in a town she sort of likes alone and confused and never ever ever ever ever ....]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/solstice.asp?r=11232
fuck.

g-u-i-l-t-y

It made her heart throb when she asked if other people were like her? waiting for someone to notice them - an object unobserved - what the fuck is that? invisible - un-existing.

--

They were driving back from Highlands in his black new-ish Hyundai SUV. The roads were windy. They had not yet gotten to the fake snow sledding that she would regret passing up for the rest of... the month. She was fucking frazzled. Her family always seemed to rile her up no matter how many mantras or therapists tell her she is all right.

When she had been crying a bit in the bed next to Leon, she had said it, "it's so weird to me sometimes to feel so unloved when people are telling me they love me. it confuses me so much, and I always feel like an exile. thanks for coming on this with me, and I'm sorry I'm such a mess. I seem to take you on all my intense family things lately - it fucks me up and I'm sorry."

He didn't look at her, but she couldn't tell because she was too ashamed to look at him - she had fucking cried on the fucking bed in the middle of the night next to him. She wasn't sure if he had heard her because he was in his back turned edge of the bed Siberia, but that probably made her amp up the silent let go sobs.

She was a drama queen, but she didn't hate that label as much as the others. She actually laughed when people said "I don't like drama." - what fools. you are drama dumbass, but she maybe understood it more as, "I like to control you."

What did she know, she was just learning she was a caldron of definition by relationship. If that's something that doesn't sober you up knowing way past 50 - you're not alive.

So, she asked him if he wanted to do the family breakfast or just head on. She had already had a mild temper tantrum because he wasn't off the dating apps, he didn't reassure her her liked her when... who gives a fuck.

She knew her days of analyzing every input of info to determine if she was worthy of love was over. On that drive back home - their last really - she was apologizing again, but he didn't really care. He was so done.

"... and my stepfather. he's the worst. I love him so much. he's all I have, and he thinks," she whimpered a little, "he thinks I'm a loser. " she paused and teared up and continued, "although it's odd because he also thinks I should be a doctor of psychology - which he never tells me because he talks through my mother."

She was babbling and rambling and holding it all up.
this dead thing she didn't yet really realize was finally dead.

He didn't even seem to be in it enough to even care. "hey, can you reach back and get those cookies." She had made some for the trip. They were the weirdest because she hadn't pre-cooked the rolled oats, but they were edible. He ate them.

and it never would have worked anyway.

She was too all in
she had flaws that hurt it.
the biggest one was
she treated the days without you as a waiting room.
she made fun of you for saying you like to make love to people you don't love.

she realized she wasn't much different from you except
the let go/orgasm instead of the sex.

The only thing that mattered was that she now fucking knew.
it was not able to be hidden. She danced around it, but the truth was.

in her essence, she thought she didn't matter unless you chose her.
It was going to be hard to break free of that notion.
but fuck
knowing such a thing is disgusting
she was motivated to
be real.

now

Oh there's a sentence girlie. But how to be here now?
Well, she didn't know, but the first step was seeing the mess.

again.

"So, do you love me? I've never asked."

he rolled his eyes so hard, "you and the love."]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/solstice.asp?r=11231 she hates starting sentences with "there is" because her high school English teacher put it in the ten commandments of boring writing.

things change.

she had allowed you to touch her.
it freaked her out for two weeks.

then, she gave in like a cat whose beloved owner has gone.
she came out from under the bed and tried to
trust

after having trusted a tall white stranger with candy
with my life
after a "sorry I was late, the second best taco joint in town was burning down and then a train blocked me."

"you are here. welcome here's my splayed neck, have it on a fucking platter. I'm not using it."

He laughed as he sat down, "thanks. I'd rather have a beer."

She was always fucking things up
in love

because it mattered so much

and such a boring why - the usual "my father was a monster. he was a charming monster."

"so many of them are."

"I love you."

"I'm sorry I don't even want to drive to see you anymore. it's gotten too long."
She balked subtly.

"but I thought we were going to watch 'La Dolce Vita' together."

"oh silly. we had fun. it was a nice time. just grow up and let go of the delusion that you love me." he felt that was weird to say 'you love me' but he didn't tell her of course, it would lead her on if he told her anything besides nothing.

"you're wrong. you're obviously not someone I perceive as perfect - or mythic - or magic. I have written enormous amounts about the wound you think you hide. It's that I think you're interesting. It is such a rare feeling." she starts crying softly but continues, "it is such a rare rare feeling that I want to stay in a room with someone - that I'm curious about you - that when I'm with you, I don't want to be anywhere else. I haven't felt it in such a long time. I had thought it was something from youth or madness."

He furrowed his intense brow, "I'm sorry. I know how you feel. I've been you."

---
Have you ever had someone tell you how magically wonderful you are?
I"m going to try. Partly, it's out of guilt that I'm unable to give myself to you. Maybe I'm too broken after the last fall off the Dumpty wall. and the reason I want to give you everything - the reason I'm so torn.

is I do love you.
when I breathe out 'I love you' spontaneously after you have awakened my body to it's purpose with so much devoted mutual pleasure after I had been blue ovaried so much it was navy. You brought me back to life.

I do not say that lightly.

I'm not sure of your motives, but the result is that you are the kindest most generous giving fascinating hard nut of a man in my knowing. I love making love to you. My body responds to you like I have been craving: someone using my instrument who is a maestro.

it is euphoric

and now, I'm stuck in being dishonest with you.

I'm going to have to correct it myself. I'm going to have to think of the correct words to say something like "fuck me. I'm so very fucking sorry. I would have made you insane/bored after a year or so anyway. consider yourself lucky. you saved my life a little bit. I was whimpering in a hole, and you reached your hand in. I made love to you like a starving woman, and I love it. I still enjoy making love to you, but I'm not going to future pretend very much. It's not where I'm at. I'm at survival. I'm at walking too soon on a broken pelvis. when I say I love you, I'm not lying - except that one time. I never ever want to hurt you like I was just hurt. If you have any real feelings for me, I would suggest you put them away. Let's have fun. let's fling. I don't even know what that is. when I was younger, I used to say things like your mouth can lie to me with it's tawdry thing called words - but your body never lies to me - your body always tells me the truth. now that I'm older, I realize lust is not love and no lust is not no love. but I digress. always. ok. the main thing I want to make sure to convey is - this is a delusion for you as well. we can play pretend for a while longer, yet we are not forever. you know it too. and thank you for loving me. now do you want to go have a beer?"

maybe]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/solstice.asp?r=11230
She didn't like killing things, but she paid other people to kill on her behalf, and it didn't seem to bother her.

Yesterday, she had figured out the reason - or a trigger - for her claustrophobia depression panic attack - it was feeling into the past and knowing you were there, but it's all dead to you now. It's probably hard to explain.

And Orangie was sick again, and she realized she really was responsible for this. It annoyed her, but still getting her period annoyed her - dealing with what is.

The anesthesia was wearing off. She had felt him today and yesterday and cried again. She had thought that was done, but fuck - maybe he was representational of

grasping what was lost.

she had texted him yesterday. she didn't know why - what loophole allowed her to chase when she knows she shouldn't. she detests being told what she should do.
---

After four months of mourning, she finally allowed herself
escape
she called it
fun

even that, it was hard. it was complicated. She got annoyed at the contrasts, yet it was all she currently had that took away the pain. She would keep swallowing.

She had the hardest time letting him in though - such a contrast from Leon - who she just absorbed into rare precious object to not lose. She went back to the place she was before. He already knew everything, but she didn't want to open the real wall. In other words, she didn't feel comfortable being herself around him - she still had to perform "cool girl" or "wise woman" or "flakey hippy" whatever the role.

She wanted most of all not to ever perform.

The path to that would be either sustained practice or a feeling of safety.

That hornet nest was guarded by a huge queen. When she got back from her short walk around the tiny block, she was joined by another wasp.

It hadn't rained in forever.

Being clear was harder.

She missed him still, and she knew she shouldn't but fucking try stopping it. She had for months and months.

He was no king.
he was no god.
he was no superman, he was simply the one who made her feel.

She'd try to be someone who could be alone. She laughed as there didn't seem to be much choice, yet she wasn't happy about it.

not at all.

She wondered if she could kill the nest herself. She had to before it got out of hand.]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/solstice.asp?r=11229
"Don't you find that's a little bit ... much?"

"Maybe, but that's what it meant to her. She felt it."

They had been discussing their friend. She had fallen apart. No one could tell very easily though because she was far away, and she controlled whether the wall was up or down.

Because she was so very open and vulnerable, it was easy to think she didn't even have a wall, but you'd be a fool. But maybe, more accurately, you'd be someone who just thought meh why bother. That must be valid. Today, she realized that all three of their domiciles were dark and perhaps cozy. She thought of them more as all pathetic - all camping out - all waiting for the light.

She talked about it incessantly, and never talked about it; but she definitely believed in magic. It was useless to describe it now, but what the fuck else was she doing besides killing time and writing dead, empty words: "he lit me up." "I was lit up." "it turned me on."

All he had to do was open his mouth and say "you're fun, but that's about all really." He had chosen to say "that's for me to know and you to never find out."

God how humiliating. She thought her entire shackle of paragraphs was all about trying to write herself out of being "not you".

And of course jack shit mattered. Did the world really give a fuck if tab a went into b or c slot. Cats marked territory when they get frightened.

Middle-aged women write shitty missives about three calla lilies blooming out of a dying plant. All of it was dull.

The only thing that she really enjoyed anymore was dwindling as well. Things always lost their novelty. She was writhing around with someone who broke her heart. He mattered, but it was brutal. Besides, he even reminded her of the shard because he was with her when she met ... hymn. He was so safe and so retro and so kind. She had told him once or twice that she was broken and using him for distraction. She had screamed at him with her body that she was starving starving starving famished desperate

for touch.

it was so mother fucking embarrassing to sell your soul and risk willing hearts for someone to really mean it when they caress your hot hip curve and hunger for your warm willing mouth. You want to feel wanted. at last.

Yet, she was sure it was what she was doing for the moment.

She had trouble getting to sleep again last night - that crazy feeling that you're alone, unconnected, unloved, and will have to depend on someone forced to pretend to care.

for some reason, having reading glasses almost caused her to weep

but that was last night.

today she was stone.]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/solstice.asp?r=11228
Maybe it could be a good town? she could possibly see the glimmers. Now, she was floored by the ...

Again, with the writing.

There's no flow for her anymore. It's odd. Last night, for some random reason, she got the night panics again where it's scary to lay down in her bed. She knew that there was no one that she could use for safety. There was no one she felt safe with. Leon had not been someone safe. He had been like her mother - sitting her on his lap and looking off in the distance then setting her down when company was gone.

The girl adored her mother.

What daughter doesn't at first.

They call it survival, and the way one picks to do so is called the system by which we attach and henceforth and forever more, you're programming will be rooted in the familiarity of someone not loving you and you going inward to recalculate while dancing on the outside and fetching daisies.

Anything to make her laugh.

She wasn't in love, but she was definitely not unhappy.
She had been pulled out of the wrecked airplane (a Radiohead reference)
for that, it was worth stars being annihilated.

She never stopped thinking of him in the still moments, but she tried to not really have still moments at the moment. it was easier to fuck.

When she does think of him, she wonders about a billion trillion things - mostly and most embarrassingly to admit: did she look like a fool? did she. she did.

and that was something bitter to eat.
she used a bunch of alcohol and high carbs and lots of them to stay lost.

Until it got too much and something switched.
for now,
it's so hard to be clear.

She just wanted some peace.

(oh, and to know that he wanted her ...)

To get peace, the way was by accepting it all.
the house smelled of pee and sorrow. and rot.

that's what incense was for - masking.

--

a September day many moons past:

"I was thinking on the drive - do you think we all wear masks? and what is that like?"

"god I love this man. I want that mind in my heart."

they didn't work. she took it hella serious. he took it hella light.

fucking a

que faire

it's hard to end things.

==

She was looking for the raven t-shirt, but her clothes
were all such disarray that it was difficult to find. She came across the clearwater shirt - the day he was happy because he had proof his mother loved him and thought of him.

and the toothpaste.

She hadn't even known it had been the apex. not at all.

it's fun to pretend.]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/solstice.asp?r=11227
So many

swirling things.

The thing that had set her off today had been seeing the meme for some movie she'd never seen "LaLa Land" and that the love was great but not to be. For some reason, it made her claustrophobic like the drama queen she was.

---

earlier

-

they were walking in the Brunswick forest. he liked to walk in unpaved woods.

she loved trees like a religion.

she had thought it all fit, and she trudged behind him.
beaming.

they rounded a corner full of a march with dead grey sticks of trees poking out. - a salt dead forest.

she didn't care. he was here with her.
she was in the place she loved the best in all the world.

she was with people she trusted who would kill him for her.

and then they saw a kite festival in Carolina beach.

it was surreal.

she wanted to debauch with him their last night.
he said no.
she said yes.

they broke up of course.
but before they did and after this -
on her birthday

they went to a different forest named after her high school best friend.

they got lost in it and went in the rough before they turned around to the safer path.

she fucking missed him like a dam.

but the thing she chose now was getting her boob touched by
someone who wanted to...

and she knew this one didn't care about her thoughts either, but
it was just a spell
for a spell

and god she was grateful

she almost drowned
in the
whatever it was.

for now, she was smoking the last of the professor's gifted pot and was going to
breathe

it was Mother's Day tomorrow.

she had given earrings.

last year, she had been in Ireland.

life was wild

perhaps.

the hardest thing was when she thought the last time she had seen him and that she would never see him again

it fucking

fucked her up

there was a beer in the fridge.]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/solstice.asp?r=11226
And my last year there, I did a townie summer. The years prior, I - like most of us - went trudging home to calibrate and summer job. This summer, I pretended I got a job at the mall and that my lease couldn't be broken and I lived like a pretend adult.

it was glorious.

So much happened to me the year I turned 21.

I told most of the stories on my words column, but what comes to mind the most is the feeling that instead of being moored to something - tethered to someone/something - I was free. I became friends with someone no one in my friend group knew. I went to a party in a part of town I'd never been. And you know what? I didn't like it very. I am in love with my Athens friends - chuck had the best taste - to this second.

There's a feeling that's hard to capture - that first torpor - the cliff vs. the sea.

I worked at a gas station. I drank beers that cost a dollar. I went to music shows. I stayed up. I kissed. I worked. I thought. I walked.

I miss me.

yet, I often feel wiser then than I do now. The quality of humans I attract has been ... not the same. Anyway, I only hopped on to tell you happy cinco de mayo and
townie summers are magic...

and the best movie that catches it is the non-soccer flick: "Kicking And Screaming"

P.s. I'll never write again will i... I've lost it because Ive no emotions to play

p.p.s. the rainbow chime makes me dissociate because I sometimes can't handle what I did - giving myself away in the first second and going "lucky you" - I cringe...]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/solstice.asp?r=11225 scribe
here.

hello.

She's surrounded by the scent of freshly-sprayed nature's miracle and male cat urine. that cannot be gotten through - sort of like the splinter in your eye versus the boulder. Well, something like that.

"... drunk on the kind of applause that gets louder the lower you sink..."

The olfactory onslaught was maddening. Nothing could be gotten through it except brute disassociation.

She had come to some revelations.

It tied back to the replacements: "the ones who love us best are the ones we'll lay to rest and visit their graves on holidays at best. The ones who love us least are the ones we'll die to please. If it's any consolation, I don't begin to understand it."

"we are the sons of no one..."

"Where is that pee"

Those are the thoughts, oh wait, they'll be more surely.

"you empty-headed little fool"

She chortled a bit at the keyboard. It was hilarious to ... oops, the thought was gone. She was in a daze.

Ah, there it was, she chortled at the thought that her new resolution was to be 20% more clear. Could she try even in this fantastic crucible? hmmmmm.

The clearest most concise thing she could say would be...

"I find it all utterly terrifying to imagine enduring without a hand to hold who knows my entire truth. I'm afraid of being hurt by showing myself. It has happened before. I want to be authentic. I hide from you until you give me candy."

"grow up."

--

She remembers crying on her morning walk just briefly. It was relatively rare for her to cry on her walks... nowadays. It was over her first marriage. She thinks of it because it was the last time she went all-in with someone who went all-in with her. It was love. She just got so scared, and fucked up and thought that therapy was too much money and she wasn't worth it and besides she hadn't had it "that bad" so she she quit complaining.

It made her weep
because it cost so many
so much
her mostly
(not to be selfish)

she lost you again and again and had to know it
like an evil dr. who.
(what if dr. who wasn't perfect)

spring always made her remember mark and wilmington and happy and parties and yards and rivers and oceans...

it was maddening

she was here.
she had anti-anxiety drugs now.
breathing happened.

she lost you.
what else is new.

she is played with well now. she respects him, but it doesn't take away from the pain. it distracts from the pain.

and for that
she lets him feel her
because she's real.

--

distraction isn't evil.

"the thing I ..."

"the play's the thing!" he countered

"the thing I take from this," she emphacized, "is that I would poke daggers in your ego if I knew you were performing for me - if you were being fake - giving me what I want to hear - or acting on faulty programming."
she paused

"but, it's what I do."

"Oh come here and fuck me you little hypocrite."

"Can we call it making love"

"just this thousandth time..."]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/solstice.asp?r=11224 my heart rejoices. I think they might be lesbians - due to the loving look, holding hands, and Subaru. The only cliche I hope they don't break is that they fucking love to feed starving outdoor cats.

ha
ha
ha

It has been weeks of distraction, and she has adored that.
It has helped to kill the beast of screaming
foolishness
in the most vulnerable of realms: you know the one I'm talking of - rhymes with of in fact.

I'm not allowed to talk about it. I'm messy.

I've loved seeing how I like to write to - as the clinicians say - emotionally regulate.
the other thing I've learned is that when there is ambiguity, I create narrative.

My instructions are to say something when it's small instead of only when it's at 100. To pause before the next sentence - to notice one feeling that I'm having when I'm talking.

when I stress, I perform
to get love.
the usual.

However, I will never be the same after what I went through when I thought I loved a man who reminded me of ... everything.

Oh, and of course I can do whatever I want to with you - but when I'm speaking with people , I have to try to be 20% more fucking straight up.

I talk in codes.
because I'm scared of being
stupid and reading someone wrong and getting
annihilated with all broken limbs.
(like before)

Humans are mammals. We react like dogs do when kicked as puppies.

yawn.

I forced myself to write today. I don't care if you're good. I'm making myself spew. I'm surrounded by flowers.

and I'm satisfied.

--

I wonder if they like chocolate chip pecan oatmeal.
I wonder if I have the energy to ever shop and cook again...


]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/solstice.asp?r=11223 was really gone. He had stopped feeding the cats - oh the cats again.

She was in a life with many things she was like "what am I doing".
Leon was correct but not surprising: she had some major trash programming in her system that needed to be purged. He was of course a flawless paragon of calm and creative productivity. buy a clue. "I wish good things for you."

When had been the last time that things had been acceptable to her? that she was happy where she was? that it was all going according to amazing plan?

the correct answer would be "zero thirty" - as in she was born into ... shall we say a very challenging social lab from which to process her data. She was the youngest in the family, so she got the most sophisticated processor as a consolation prize, so she could see them all so vividly and thoroughly even if she had no fucking clue.

And now, to older age.

She kept reminding herself so she wouldn't get cocky kid.

as if.

cocky.

it made her lightly harrumph inside - or maybe it was a sad harrumph.
She was an envier of confidence and cockiness. It could perhaps be said one of her biggest flaws was a wordy ability to undermine herself.

"God where is this meandering going girl?"

She wished she were cocky
and a girl still...

but you know what? going into the past and imagining doing it all over again seemed hell. She's told you "Peggy Sue Got Married" is a horror film to her - a la "Same Time Next Year".

sigh.

she had heard "Space Cowboy" the other day. You know what her first notion was, "I wonder if the next time Leon hears this song, it will bring up a flash of a memory of me."

She knew it was fucking pathetic. She knew now that she had been soooooooooo off the mark, but it was something that would have confused anyone. It looked like...

So, here's the punch.

She was in something similar now just to make it all her fave:
poetic.

THe ambiguity is what makes it hot perhaps.

But anyway, to the title. She thinks what it would be like to live with someone again. It was hilarious because when she was away from fucking Andrew that first few - she suffered from withdrawal from his physical body. He had been her regulator - her soft feedback loop. She had not realized it.

There was a universe she did not realize.

Even with Leon, she couldn't imagine LIVING day to day second to second with him - she had wanted the same thing except to have the fucking play!!!!!!!! now that she knew that was possible.

Wait, what the frack was she babbling. She had wanted to make sure he wasn't making a fool of her - letting her prattle on - while going in the bathroom and replying to a tinder fresh match. THAT was what she wanted - the notion that she was
fucking amazing and he was going to ride it until it played out.

Instead, let's all sing along while narcissi says it again:

"the minute I put a boundary up - the minute I said 'can you stop looking at other women and focus on me and include me in your life?' - I lost what I never had."

love.

what the fuck is love.

The loss of the neighbor equals loss of safety a bit. He was a cool calm safe dude who seemed like he had guns and brains. He was an engineering professor at the local private university.

Narcissi was fascinated with his wife Julie. She hadn't lived there in a while - heading out to where they were moving to ... but she was so awesome - a total tan, toned, golden-haired bitch. In all Narcissi's time, she never even glanced over during yard work - much less said hi. She was the type that Narcissi must have had done something like not returned a wave and now Julie was like "whatevs". She looked Florida. She was obviously the boss of the relationship. Her husband was nice. Narcissi had maybe exchanged 245 words with him - including texts. It was all about cats.

but now...

he was gone.
change was here.
she had lost her mooring a bit.
she hated change.

she missed them and would likely never think of them again in a silly short amount of time.

The jam of the matter. Do unto others ...

she wished they had thanked her for the cats.
it would have made it less
fucky

Narcissi paused as she saw Dobby the new orange male cat strike across the yard.
Sigh. She didn't want this responsibility.

and it was time to stop bitching and start stitching.

Platitudes platitudes. She was talking around something. That's why it was so long.

"I don't want him to think I'm not a goddess, but I'm not a goddess. It's so fucking great to pretend to be one though. I love fucking him like being in a jail cell solitary confinement to the cool prostitute in 'firefly'. I am going to communicate - maybe not perfectly - but better."

"what the fuck are you talking about - just say it?"

"It's hard for me to do so - like denying someone access to me - is like - something deep - something wounded."

"What does your therapist say?"

"Such a question of our times. She says that I am allowed to feel lust - that I don't have to put love on to it every time."

"Is that all?"

"She says I'm too concerned with the male gaze."

"I mean, what does she say about that you feel like you can't let go of being the manic pixie dream girl type form the 80's although that makes you vomit in your mouth a bit?"

"we haven't gotten there yet."

"I know."

She sometimes wondered who Plato even was ... really.
There were two blooms on her peace lily and the shape it was in...well, really

She remembered when she was a little girl and tried to talk to God in no words - just thought prayer.

she had a lot of cats now.

The neighbor was gone.

She hoped it would rain.]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/solstice.asp?r=11222
Today was a fucking day.

karma day.

she was now the nourisher of feral cats.
the neighbor moved away yesterday with nary a "bye cleo jojo" just a snazzy due of new cars and uhauls and a red-headed grand baby and they were off the Arizona.

The cutest of the cats they feed/fed screamed on her window at 4am. she understood. everyone liked to eat.

but fuck the fucking neighbors too. This is such a pickle she is taking off their hands. The neighbor man acted like everyone in the nieighborhood was some secret benevolent cat feeder.

"no dude, they show up at my window and door and scream. I'm left with knowing their fate because I'm a human or intervening. This is NOT something I would have gotten myself into. I am taking over YOUR problem."

but shit.

she had been the same.
bless her heart.
she had nightmares about it. Whenever she thought she might deserve to be happy, she reminded herself that she left them - the sortie cats of wilmingon - after getting them all fixed. she had been her neighbors.

and now she was here.

She kind of was having the same perspective shift in her other life. She refused to make mistakes she had made three times before a fourth time though. Whatever it was worth, she had the desire to be
wiser.

currently, she was just
baffled.

how had her life turned into this?
the thing that drove her insane...

having a litter box.

she didn't want any of this. it gave her no love.
it was just so they don't weigh on her conscious.
it was just because she was lonely that one time and the fur was so soft...]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/solstice.asp?r=11221
She dances hard on this one.

because she loves him
and knows the song like many know their
left foot.

(do people know their left foot? I have a birthmark)

"... you just sit there wishing you could still make love...."

she wanted him more than many things.

it was Radiohead
friday
and she was drinking

she turned the fucking JBL speaker off.
rewound "high and dry" and fucking
listened.
(the headphones she bought after divorce #2 - they were $600. she had $700.)

she walked.

none of it mattered.

she was a
million billion
nuances

but never
caught you for more than
a dance.

"mixed tape" by tiff Merritt

"I've taped my heart for you to find...this plastic cassette is going to tell you ... something"]]> http://www.happyrobot.net/robotchow/robot_filter.asp?rfid=14096 - link: LOUIS CK on MTV 1990's - YouTube

- posted: rich - 3/11/2014 6:32:00 AM
- perma-link
]]> http://www.happyrobot.net/robotchow/robot_filter.asp?rfid=14094 - link: Carpets for Airports

- posted: rich - 2/27/2014 7:48:00 AM
- perma-link
]]> http://www.happyrobot.net/robotchow/robot_filter.asp?rfid=14093 But not you, Arizona. You're willing to ostracize and marginalize LGBT people to score political points with the extreme right of the Republican Party.
- link: Razing Arizona - Allegiance

- posted: rich - 2/24/2014 8:27:09 AM
- perma-link
]]> http://www.happyrobot.net/robotchow/robot_filter.asp?rfid=14092 "a person may want to define themselves as being married to one of their children so that they could then in fact pass on certain things to that child financially and otherwise."
- link: Republican Senate Candidate: Same Sex Marriage Will Lead To Parents Marrying Kids | Crooks and Liars

- posted: rich - 2/24/2014 8:25:45 AM
- perma-link
]]> http://www.happyrobot.net/robotchow/robot_filter.asp?rfid=14091 "It's about allowing our fans who have been looking and trying to get a hold of our music to have access to it," De La Soul member Posdnuous
- link: De La Soul to Make Entire Catalog Available for Free for 25 Hours | Music News | Rolling Stone

- posted: rich - 2/14/2014 6:52:00 AM
- perma-link
]]> http://www.happyrobot.net/robotchow/robot_filter.asp?rfid=14090 - link: Michelle Duggar's secret to a happy marriage with Jim Bob: Never say no to sex.

- posted: rich - 2/14/2014 6:46:00 AM
- perma-link
]]> http://www.happyrobot.net/robotchow/robot_filter.asp?rfid=14089 - link: Bill Kurtis Yelp Reviews by The Feed on SoundCloud - Hear the world's sounds

- posted: rich - 2/13/2014 8:57:29 AM
- perma-link
]]> http://www.happyrobot.net/robotchow/robot_filter.asp?rfid=14088 - link: Ingenious Door Opens and Closes Like Folded Paper | Colossal

- posted: rich - 2/13/2014 7:43:00 AM
- perma-link
]]> http://www.happyrobot.net/robotchow/robot_filter.asp?rfid=14078 Professor Henry Brubaker said: "Everyone keeps saying western culture is under threat from Muslims or something, so we thought we'd better check. Turns out it's not."
- link: Western culture still very much there, say experts

- posted: rich - 2/13/2014 7:12:44 AM
- perma-link
]]> http://www.happyrobot.net/robotchow/robot_filter.asp?rfid=14087 - link: Twitter / TheDailyShow: 'What the f**k? You guys ...

- posted: rich - 2/12/2014 1:52:19 PM
- perma-link
]]> http://www.happyrobot.net/robotchow/robot_filter.asp?rfid=14086 - link: Woman Solves Traffic Problems In The Congo With A Giant Robot

- posted: rich - 2/12/2014 8:27:24 AM
- perma-link
]]> http://www.happyrobot.net/robotchow/robot_filter.asp?rfid=14085 Since Nigeria's president, Goodluck Jonathan, signed a harsh law criminalizing homosexuality throughout the country last month, arrests of gay people have multiplied, advocates have been forced to go underground, some people fearful of the law have sought asylum overseas and news media demands for a crackdown have flourished.
- link: Wielding Whip and a Hard New Law, Nigeria Tries to 'Sanitize' Itself of Gays - NYTimes.com

- posted: rich - 2/11/2014 7:04:48 AM
- perma-link
]]> http://www.happyrobot.net/robotchow/robot_filter.asp?rfid=14082 That "distressed baby" who Tim Armstrong blamed for benefit cuts? She's my daughter.
- link: Tim Armstrong blames 'distressed babies' for AOL benefit cuts. He's talking about my daughter.

- posted: rich - 2/10/2014 6:58:00 AM
- perma-link
]]> http://www.happyrobot.net/robotchow/robot_filter.asp?rfid=14081 - link: Collection - Weird Japanese Commercials

- posted: rich - 2/10/2014 6:54:17 AM
- perma-link
]]> http://www.happyrobot.net/robotchow/robot_filter.asp?rfid=14084 The roads and homes are built on landfill over Spring Creek. The community is cut off on all sides, on the west by Linden Plaza Houses, which were built atop a subway yard; Conduit Boulevard on the north and east; and Linden Boulevard on the south.
- link: ELDERT LANE: BROOKLYN-QUEENS LINE | | Forgotten New YorkForgotten New York

- posted: rich - 2/10/2014 6:05:00 AM
- perma-link
]]> http://www.happyrobot.net/robotchow/robot_filter.asp?rfid=14083 Click around!
- link: 133-99 Emerald St - Google Maps

- posted: rich - 2/10/2014 6:02:00 AM
- perma-link
]]> http://www.happyrobot.net/robotchow/robot_filter.asp?rfid=14080 - link: Logic vs. Creationism - ArgueLab

- posted: rich - 2/7/2014 6:55:00 AM
- perma-link
]]> http://www.happyrobot.net/robotchow/robot_filter.asp?rfid=14079 There is some debate in the community about whether or not the name is in reference to a statue in the park, or people who like to "hang out" there.

- link: 'Dude Chilling Park' sign approved by Vancouver Park Board - BC | Globalnews.ca

- posted: rich - 2/6/2014 7:18:14 AM
- perma-link
]]> http://www.happyrobot.net/robotchow/robot_filter.asp?rfid=14077 - link: Some idiots only halfway through first season of The Wire

- posted: rich - 2/6/2014 7:10:36 AM
- perma-link
]]> http://www.happyrobot.net/robotchow/robot_filter.asp?rfid=14076 - link: Business Insider: There Is A Terrifying Statue Of A Nearly Naked Man On Wellesley College's Campus

- posted: rich - 2/5/2014 3:42:24 PM
- perma-link
]]>