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happyrobot is slowly turning into a strange and funny collective of friends and acquaintances from around the world. happyrobot is a place to put stuff up on the web that we like. happyrobot doesn't make any sense, and doesn't really need to. happyrobot doesn't have a business plan (other than getting staff members drunk as often as possible) or a marketing scheme. we do have some nice shoes and a desire to build fun things. oh, and you can hire us for stuff, too.

Sincerely,

Rich

President
happyrobot-usa
new york city, usa

Stuff
The History
Our Theme Song

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Link to us and we'll love you.
Yes, you.

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FAQ
i really am confused on the point of this site
we are too.


why "happyrobot"?
i don't remember. it was in the 90's. i was drunk most of that decade. but, you know, i think it has something to do with my calling of computers 'robots'.


my puppy falls asleep in the middle of playing
puppies need lots of sleep but since they are easily distracted, they sometimes forget to go to sleep and so will fall asleep at bizarre times: while eating, chewing, or even running.


what portal system do you use?
none - unless bourbon and picking Matt's brain is a portal system. 99% of the tech on the site is ours.


so the correct spelling is "happyrobot" and not "happy robot"
that is the official spelling, yes. i hate to be anal, but when i see it as two words, it makes me break out in a rash (drat, now you all know how to make me break out in a rash).


does danny chambers actually exist? and if 'yes', when do you think he will sue you?
yes, he exists, although only eric actually knew him. we love him.


your site is too wordy and there is too much stuff.
yup, happyrobot is very pack-rattie.


i hear you hate blogs?
i hate the word 'blog'. otherwise, many of them are great fun.


my puppy isn't letting me know when it needs to go out
if your puppy doesn't seem to pick up the idea of whining at or going to the door to tell you it needs to go to the bathroom, that is normal. many puppies do not begin this behavior until they are four or five months old.


is matt johnson really that wise?
matt is way wise. way too wise for a boy his age. he is always good at seeing the 'big picture'


my puppy hiccups.
many puppies hiccup. the only thing to do is wait for them to pass. don't worry about it, they will outgrow it.


is it true that you misspelled faq as something else when you first posted this?
um, yes.


does happyrobot embrace universal consciousness?
um. that involves suffering, right? happyrobot avoids suffering.


my puppy still doesn't respond to it's name
sometimes it takes several weeks before you consistently get a reaction when you say its name. (be careful not to use its name in a negative sense! clap or shout instead.)


is it permitted to feed the robot?
it is encouraged to feed the robot. the robot is happy to eat most anything.


can kristen be rented for weddings, birthday partys, or bar mitzvahs?
i don't see why not. (of course we at happyrobot are not responsible for any property damage she may cause)


how old should my puppy when he's separated from his litter
puppies should not be separated from their mother and littermates before 8 weeks of age. many recommend 10 weeks minimum. this is related to physical considerations such as weaning and psychological considerations such as the puppy's readiness to leave the litter.


when i praise my puppy, he doesn't seem to realize that i am prasing him
you need to pair verbal praise with physical praise for a few months before your puppy understands and appreciates verbal praise.


has happyrobot had its shots?
ow. yes, happyrobot is fully compliant and up to date with all their anti-viral shots.


my puppy twitches while sleeping.
this indicates healthy neural development. twitching will be most pronounced for the first few months of the puppy's life, and slowly diminish thereafter. there are many adult dogs that continue some twitching. expect muffled woofs and snuffling noises, too.


will happyrobot hurt my interweb connection?
only if you already have web sheet issues.


was this faq proofread? were you drinking again?
liz proofed it.
Staff
adina
Pony
The ADINA System offers a one-system program for comprehensive finite element analyses of structures, fluids, and fluid flows with structural interactions. ... With the ADINA System, there is no need to use one finite element program for linear static and ... Furthermore, the ADINA System is the leading program for fully coupled analysis.
[more...]
alec
Upgrown and Overblown
John Alec Ferrell
Lives in a barrell
Down by the side of the sea.

John Alec Ferrell
And his dog Harold
Live by the sea, you see?
-H. K. Ferrell
[more...]
anne
Poop Beetle
Anne has two lovely children. She and her kids are good people.
[more...]
beth
Navel Lint
I live in Carrboro NC and I don't do anything but watch TV and drink Yoo Hoo. I weigh 376 pounds.
[more...]
blaine
Nutshell Kingdom
The first object I remember seeing was a faded can of string beans (the beans on the label had turned blue with age). They were on a shelf next to the hominy. After that, there was some travelling and some schooling. I didn't really take to any one thing for very long. A wreck on the highway solidifiedd my resolve to do something worthwhile with my life and so I began to shop my resume around. happyrobot.net was the only company that would give someone like me a chance. God bless them.
[more...]
chris
Honky Cracker
Chris (Honky Cracker) was born under a bad sign. Actually, it was a YIELD sign somewhere near the DMV in Wethersfield, CT. That'll show mom for gettin' knocked up 9 months before her driving test! (The authorities flunked Momma Honkycracker for failing to signal as she pulled over to give birth. Well, okay, it was a combination of that and her total lack of depth perception, but who's counting? To this day, she still does not have her driver's license.)
As the years went by, Honky left his home in CT for the warmer climate of Novosibirsk, Siberia. While in Siberia he co-founded, along with klutch.xls, the seminal balalaika punk rock band Bitter and Pensive. (Nirvana cites them as an early influence.)
When not writing Honky Cracker, Chris can be found wrestling against his evil McSweeneys counterparts in steel cage matches.
HonkyCracker loves the steel cage.
[more...]
Collin
Ornithopter
I live in Providence and I like kitties. I do not like Providence, however.
[more...]
david w
Palaver
dp davey
Robot Filter
a pirate sailing post-modern seas in the wasteland of florida...
[more...]
elanamatic
elanamatic
Join the party in my head!
[more...]
Em
Bad Chicken
eric w
Teen News
Born at an early age, Eric spent his youth combing his moustache into animal shapes.

He also founded the Poetry Focus Group Project. This unique organization helps today's poets find a bigger audience through the use of focus groups. It's an idea whose time has come, and a bit sad that poets of the past couldn't benefit from it.
For example:

Let us go then, you and I,
When the evening looks way cool against the sky
Like a hot nude patient etherised upon the table;
Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
The muttering retreats
Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels with quick boob shots
And record stores with oyster-shells:
Streets that follow like a tedious argument
Of insidious intent
To lead you to an overwhelming question
Oh, do not ask, "What is it?"
Instead, choose the rich guy over the Duckman.
[more...]
ericS
The way I see it
Eric Shepherd, who is known as Herschel "Red Cap" Weiner in certain circles, was born in Fairfax, VA, was raised in Asheville, NC on comic books, AM radio, and candy, and now lives in Apex, NC, where he writes things, raises young'uns, but makes his money in the mobile music download industry.
[more...]
erik
The Wrong Squid
You smell that? I bet that's what Erik smells like.
[more...]
evan
Picture Monkey
My name is Ozymandius, King of Kings, Look on my Works, ye Mighty, and despair!
[more...]
Eve
Tropical Depression
Eve reads books and magazines. Enjoys eating a balanced breakfast and sitting quietly. Is a good listener.
[more...]
G.W.Bush
Robot Filter
I am president of an un-named country.
[more...]
genevieve
Accounting for Everything
Genevieve likes to write. She likes to write songs, stories and do math.
She writes like a cowgirl lassoos a wayward calf. You can almost hear her chasing an idea around the muddy corral of thought, wrapping her mind around it's legs and bringing it home for dinner.
She does math like a desparate invalid trying to walk at gunpoint.
Basically she's got her strong points and her weak ones.
[more...]
grggry
On the wall
J. Wray
A Heart Shaped State
Jenny from the block (as long as the block is OHIO)
[more...]
jason
Dog Years
If any of you are still alive when I finally have a story published, I'll dedicate it to you.

I am a writer, an Eagle Scout, a dad, and a husband. I fly fish and I love bicycles.

I am growing a beard, but then we all are, since the day we're born, right?
[more...]
jen
Sunshine Jen
Jen is not just a person, she's a multi-million dollar international corporation.
[more...]
jessica
Adult Content
One day I am going to belt the person behind me in the grocery store who breathes down my neck as I put my change back in my wallet. One day I am going to smack the cashier who taps their fingernails on the counter as they wait for me to count out my money to give to them. One day I am going to strangle the cashier who wants to chat me up in the self-service lane. One day I am going to jump out of a public bathroom stall and chase down a non-handwasher and publicly humiliate them. One day I am gonna.
[more...]
john ball
Film and Television Rights
A native of North Carolina, Evan Smith Rakoff (John Ball) lives in lower Manhattan with his wife and children. His writing has appeared in Another Chicago Magazine, Green Mountains Review, Melic Review, The Paris Review, Ploughshares & elsewhere. He's received fellowships from The MacDowell Colony, Yaddo, The Millay Colony, the Ragdale Foundation, and Columbia University.

He also writes Three-ish
at http://three-ish.tumblr.com/

And twits @esmithrakoff

Write him at evansmithrakoff at gmail.com
[more...]
JohnLawton
Get his Hat
Built around the turn of the century, The John Lawton House is centrally located less than two hours from Charleston, Columbia, Hilton Head Island, Beaufort, Savannah, Augusta and the beautiful South Carolina coast. It has undergone extensive restoration in 1985
[more...]
katie
Art Colony
kelly
Cootie Girl
Likes: hockey, pinball, drinking, cursing, hockey, boys and Swedish fish
Hates: cigarette smoke and people of all ages (especially children)

[more...]
klutch.xls
Klutch.xls
This is my first blog page, thanks especially to Rich Robot for setting me up, and to Klutch.xls for allowing me to take over the space that he used to inhabit. You guys are the best!
[more...]
kristen
Solstice
Kristen was one of the original robot contributors. In fact, I think she was the first writer we ever had (you can find her stuff in the archives). She currently is in the robot witness protection program and is somewhere in LA
[more...]
kristy
Drink More Wine
As a certified sommelier, I'm officially encouraged to sip loads of vino and explore fine beverages. We enjoy the good things in life as much as possible at the Casa Micheltorena.

Live, eat and drink well, always. Life is too short for compromise. Cheers!
[more...]
laurel
Robot Filter
Laurel has a childhood nickname that I never get correct.
[more...]
lisa may
Lisa Says
I'm Lisa. Lisa May. Lisa May Terwilliger.

Here's some stuff I like: Sharpie pens. Watching a movie while on the treadmill. Backyard campfires. Gazillion brand bubbles. New Yorker magazine. A clean house. PG Tips tea. Biking. Cape Cod. A picnic after a hike. Granny Smith green. Posting weekly menus on our chalkboard wall. Dogs. Free shipping. Playing Old Maid with Ella. Farm stand ice cream. Aveda Shampure. Mooing at cows. Maine. Nachos. Listening to Ella read. Netflix. Sending and getting real mail. Paper Source stationery. Nieces and nephews. Independent toy and bookstores. Cupcakes. Sunblock. Woodchuck Summer cider. Spiderwebs. Dexter. Peonies. Nook color. Scrabble. The Big Dipper. Charming Clementines.
[more...]
liz
Robot Filter
funny. quirky. uses too many words. uses too few. heavily tattooed. self-consciously funny. talks a lot. listens too.
[more...]
mattyj
WWMJD
In doing research for my screenplay "In Search of John Lawton", I met Rich in one of the Lawton forums on CompuServe. After some initial confusion about some "private" messages I sent him, we became fast friends. (Rachel, I SWEAR, I wasn't trying to steal your man. I didn't even know he WAS a man.) Rich was familiar with my involvement with the Texas Instruments movement in the 80's, so it wasn't long before he asked me to be the Chief Technology Officer for his new startup. As CTO of happyrobot-usa I spend a great deal of time looking at pictures of women that Rich sends me via instant message. These women are often scantily clad. Sometimes I help him with a technology issue, but that is a surprisingly small part of my role here.
[more...]
michele
Robot Filter
Holla! Check me out at ieatrice.com.
[more...]
mina
Gator Country
gator country tasty breakfast crunch nuggets. betcha can't eat just one!

mina likes:
donnie, ocean activities, molly hatchet, nipsy russell (RIP), mexico, flying planes, malibu and all things cali cali, hot dogs, austin-texas, things with motors like motorcycles, making out, rugby, scotland, her dog, the dallas cowboys, pretending she's a physicist, every guy she's ever dated and/or been engaged to, flip flops, sleeping in, vintage saturday morning cartoons, ordering sliders and watching sports on the big screen while sitting in a barcalounger, wide world of sports, and last but not least – s'mores.





[more...]
mizalmond
Robot Filter
"I'm trying to tell what turned me. Well, delight in language as language certainly. But something less delightful, too. It was that nothing very bad had happened to me yet. My daddy's rich and my ma is good lookin'. Then my father died in 1958 and my mother couldn't take three steps without pain. Then a heart attack I could call my own when I was thirty-seven years old. Then this, then that. Most of it uncomfortable, all of it boring. I couldn't run, I couldn't jump. Because, as the old saying should go, as long as you've got your health you've got your naivete. I lost the one, I lost the other, and maybe that's what led me toward revenge - a writer's revenge, anyway; the revenge, I mean, of style." -Stanley Elkin
[more...]
nate
River Rat
Enjoy these first draft experiments. Some day they might be something more, but for now, they're out of my head.
[more...]
pat
Fat Pat
It's not just about kicking Matt in the balls. There's more to me than that...
but not much.
[more...]
rachel
low fi photo parade
Rachel joined happyrobot in 1987. And in her various management positions there, she played a leadership role in the development of many of happyrobot's multi-media products ... including "Our Matt Johnson"; "Dicks with Chicks"; and "2-Sentence Movie Review". She's worked on programs and products – some of which have become household words.

Two years after she married happyrobot Founder, Chairman, and CEO, Rich, she retired from her position as General Manager of Information Products in 1996 to care for her first kitty cat and to contribute her technological talents and leadership experience to the community.

[more...]
raquel
Medium Pimping
So crazy right now! Mos' incredible! Raquel is a high school drama student by day, corporate whore by night. Or vice versa. When you go out for a drink with her you get carded. Don't be fooled for a second. This girl should come with a warning label.

Keepin it unreal in the 718.
[more...]
rich
Robot Journal
Rich was born in Kentwood, LA in 1982; after honing his chops in local dance showcases and church choirs, at age eight he auditioned for a role on the Disney Channel's Mickey Mouse Club show, and although the series' producers deemed him too young for the job they were sufficiently impressed with the boy's talent to assist him in gaining entry to New York's Off-Broadway Dance Center and the Professional Performing Arts School. After a series of television commercials and stage appearances, at 11 Rich finally joined The Mickey Mouse Club, where he remained for two seasons. He then started happyrobot after his friend Matt dared him to "spend the next 4 years working on a sprawling internet mish-mash".
[more...]
rider
State Lines
rider likes to eat fire and step on things that crunch. off to a promising career as a professional flag raiser, sunup to sundown can be a bit of a drag.
[more...]
robin
Robot Filter
Robin is really nice
[more...]
scott
Robot Filter
Scott is our host. He's good people.
[more...]
Stu
Post-Modern Drunkard
Stu hates writing bios about himself, because he thinks he comes off either self-involved or like a self-involved person trying to be self-deprecating.

Because there's no modest way to bring up an anecdote where a teacher told Stu, "You need to write for the rest of your life," he never tells that anecdote anymore.

Stu wishes he had people to tell his immodest stories for him, but he's moved too often to keep his groupies around for very long.

Stu has lived everywhere from Fargo to Edinburgh to Singapore, but thinks of New York City as his new home, and doesn't think he'll ever leave.

Stu likes to drink and likes to write. He does one better than the other, but is not sure which one it is.

Stu is not his real name, but it's close enough.
[more...]
tamara
Happyrobot Tech Time
Tamara writes and works in the entertainment industry. Possibly on shows you have seen in your spare time.
Possbily even laughed at.
Tamara has a lot of experience fixing computers, and by a lot, i mean, 'none'.
[more...]
tim
Tim!
He's a child prodigy who wrote his first song at age eight, a blond-locked boy who speaks three languages and loves only in Spanish. He's a perfectionist who spends hours in the studio; He needs to be close to nature but his passion is the crackle of electric guitars. He is in the blush of youth, but he's far older than his 24 years. As Nobel Prize winning author Gabriel Garcia Marquez once wrote, "Tim has really nice hair"
[more...]
vera
Road Dust
Vera Sphinx is a cat. Ancient and sly, she sneeks about during daylight and starlight, finding little mice men and women and dissecting their souls. There's always a deeper meaning which a catty critic such as Vera can discern. Also, Vera has AHSS. You may have heard of Attention Hyper-Sufficiency Syndrome before, it's quite common in artists. If you write prolifically–in your head when there's a paucity of paper–then you may know what Vera Suffers. Words will hit the dust like drops of rain plume the desert. It's hard being the cat who sees everything and knows the truth will out.
[more...]
victoria
Art Colony
accompanied by the sound of clashing cymbals.
[more...]