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Klutch.xls: Snow: The Informer


About a year ago, while I was suffering from bronchitis, the rest of the world had "Dean Kamen" fever. The "man of a million patents" had a new invention he called "Ginger" and no one knew what it was. People hypothesized that it was a hydrogen cell, a water engine, a hovercraft, a realistic doll based on the Gilligan's Island character. One thing we did know was that it would undoubtedly change the world.

Then we were introduced to the "Segway": personal transport device.

Your world is about to change kids! Skater punks will be cracking their boards over their heads like a roid-raging Jose Canseco. This thing goes up stairs!!!

If you are as excited about this thing as I am then wake the fuck up!!! You've been sleeping all day!!!

Amazon is now taking pre-orders for this bizarre mode of human transportation so I thought I would help you, the consumer, make the difficult decision:

Segway vs. Cocaine (round 1)

1. Technology: The Segway uses unique gyroscope technology to keep it balanced and upright at all times. The engine is light and compact and produces a power output of two (2) horsepower. Cocaine has some magical power that will blow your fucking mind and even make hanging out with Jimmy seem like a good time. Point - Cocaine

2. Variations: There is only one Segway, and at this time, there is no option for color or personalization. Cocaine comes in both powder and rock (also known as "crack") forms. Tired of blood stained pillow-cases? Switch it up and burn some rocks, baby! This one is going to Cocaine.

3. Cost: The Segway costs $4,950 and Amazon is asking for a $495 non-refundable deposit. Last time I checked, you could get a new Vespa for this price, and I just bought a car for less than that last summer! Cocaine will run you between $12,000 to $35,000 per kilo, depending on quality, purity and how well you have been treating Chico's sister. That's 35 ounces the last time I checked. So, for the price of a Segway, you can have a DAMN good party and still bail mom out of jail. Not to mention I know this guy who will front you an ounce, no deposit needed!

4. Image: Quote me here. I'm going to be the first to say it. The Segway will make you look like a dork! Doing Cocaine makes you look cool. Trust me. It also helped make "Jock Rock" the 9,089 most requested item on Amazon. "Dee-fense!! Dee-fense!!"

So . . . it looks like I am going with Cocaine, yet again . . . I know, I know what you're going to say. "Klutch.xls in on the Cocaine bandwagon again." What can I say, I like to have a good time. Is that so wrong?







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›post #16
›bio: klutch.xls
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›11/19/2002
›10:24

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