2001:December:18
2001
Let me see... this will entry will undoubtedly be dramatic and tinged with exaggerations and hyperbole. I don't know if any of you perfect people have ever had this happen, but my husbando and I are in one of our "I hate you more than anything on planet earth, but I know I don't really hate you and we're just taking it all out on each other" phases. I'm drinking an old milwaukee beer. It's 4pm on Tuesday. I'm listening to Ms. Harvey on the headphones (headphones because I'm annoyed enough that I don't even want to share my music with anyone - even though Mark has gone to the cuculorous office - so, it's another indication of my bizarre mood). My mother is successfully out of surgery and recovering like a champ. I have a biology final tomorrow morning and work for Wednesday and Thursday and then days and days off. I'm of course fabulously happy about not having to go to work, but there's the money eh?
Other than that, I feel that I'm in a very snarky mood as of late. I'm not really interested in anyone, but then I wonder if I've allowed myself to "let my guard down" enough to even allow entry into my courtyard. Ah the courtyard to the hallowed halls of what is Kristen Martin. Also, I've sort of reckoned that I'm not really going to change my name in reality. I'm so who I am. I couldn't imagine the celebratory party/beer/festivity that would follow me going to a lawyer and paying $250 so I could be "Kristen Gilmartin". (number 6 gets soooo good). It's would seem sillly to be all excited about signing "Kristen Gilmartin". I mean, I sort of am Kristen Gilmartin anyway. And then 'gain, I'm sort of who I am as well.
Yes, I'm snarky. What does snarky mean? I'm sort of hoping it means pissy, uncomfortable, unnerved, nervy, unpatient with others, blah blah pissy blah. The origin is a bit of a blink in my life I'm thinking. I'm sort of not good at processing things that are unfolding for me - new information. I'm sort of getting bored, and wondering if this "boredom" is real. It could be just a symptom of my life going from busy and full of independent things to do - to this new state of merely going to work and coming home.
It could be that I'm all a twitter at the possibility of a modification in my safety social circle. Will there be inclusions - deletions? (nothing beats #11). I feel ill equipped to offer anyone a representation of what/who I am, but then again I wonder if I'm just drama-queening and defeatist or isolationist. I don't think I'm very traditionally inviting to anyone who would want to be my friend, but then I don't think I'm closing my door. I've noticed that at parties and everything (and what else is there for me besides parties and KGM dropovers) I'm totally within my own world and my own parameters. I'm not caring at all about what anyone would think of me or what I'm hoping to accomplish. I'm just interacting as much or as little as I want to. Sure, there are some mysteries that I'm quite interested in, but I'm in this balancing nimbus where I haven't really put anything on the line yet. Oh well, we shall see how things turn.
My other "possible factor" to my snarkiness is the whole rigormorole of family. I'm a horrible person, but I'm not really into prancing around within the domains of my family - putting the smile and the best face forward on. I sort of wish they could muster through this one without me. But this dream is with me every holiday, and I know what I have to do. What sort of feelings would I have if they did indeed cut off the obligation? The first guess is guilt.
I'm also wondering if my current mood is the result of me donating my last remaining pot to my friend in need. Wouldn't that suck? So whilst I'm relishing this temporary cessation in "false euphoria", I also miss the feeling that "inside my head, there is a universe". A calm universe where everything means nothing except everything...
I'm also hoping that I'm not "conveying the incorrect Kristen". This problem is not so horrifying because you're all inside my head anyway, but I would like to feel that at least certain people are understanding. I had a core friend indicate to another friend that they did not tell me something because they thought that I would relay the thought to the person in question. This attitude is quite understandable. For instance, I told my mother that my sister felt like my mother had trivialized or negated my sister's dramatic revelation (at age 29) of the experience of being "attempted molested" by our father. My sister felt that by my mother merely responding "well, he was an asshole. He cheated on me you know" was something that would always be with her - making her always think mother was an out-of-it emotional ice princess. I asked my sister if she had ever told our mother about this. She replied that there would be no point. Armed with many clear and good intentions, I lanced this boil and told my mother (as it turns out, it wasn't a purely satisfactory apology, but it did pave a way - open a conduit I hope). So, yes, I'm not one of those people who keep things in a vault (unless you were to specifically ask me to). I think people are much too secretive and that this causes so much silly trauma. This is just my opinion. I honestly do not get satisfaction or "value points" or whatever from gathering gossip and relaying it to certain ears. I function quite well without knowing anyone else's secrets. My indiscretions are usually the result of my arrogant estimation of both parties benefitting from revelation of information OR my estimation that certain parties are ready for how sinfully delicious it is to have some secret that was gnawing at your soul all out in the open (although I only do this with minor things eh). A gift of seeing how the world doesn't stop. Anyway, no matter. I just mean that I would never in a million years say to some wounded person "You know, Frank thinks you are the most annoying thing in the universe and wishes you'd pick up the pieces of your miserable life and get them out of his". I suppose I'm just saying ' Jesus, I do have morals. If you think I'm an open sieve of information, why don't you perform a Vulcan mind meld on me.... Then you'd be surprised at what secrets I hold... Barring that....
Even though I slept for such a long time, I feel like I need a nap.
I'm such a little pill.
Thank you for allowing me to have this online therapy session.
