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i have never been to europe

Congratulations to our Matt Johnson for taking his missionary work to darkest Spain. I would like to offer some advice about dealing with those from "different" cultures, though mostly, this is just common sense:
1. Do not talk to anyone
2. If someone talks to you, ignore them and walk away
3. Do not eat anything (especially dishes called "el gato")
4. Do not drink anything
5. Watch your shoes. Non-Americans are very poor and will steal them.
6. Do not go out into the fog. It is filled with the murderous ghosts of Portugese sailors still angry about being confused for Spanish sailors.
7. Do not touch anything.
8. If you have sex (goodluck!) with anyone, slink out of town for a few days after the deed is done. This may keep you from a forced and unhappy marriage.
9. Your status as an American is a big status symbol overseas. Proclaim loudly that you are an American as often as possible and many doors will open for you.
10. Remember-- just because these people are simple and speak in gibberish, do not assume that they do not have magical powers, as well as powerful charms and talismans. Find yourself a gypsy servant and be kind to him. He may be your strongest ally against local magicks.

As I said before, most of this is just common sense. One last point; if all else fails, you can frighten people away by threatening to steal their souls with your camera or by showing off your powers by moving a zipper up and down.




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post #9
bio: blaine
perma-link
7/8/2002
11:05

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