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<title>Tim!</title>
<description>from happyrobot - updated 6/9/2026 9:11:31 AM</description>
<link>https://www.happyrobot.net/words/tim.asp</link>
<language>en-us</language>
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<title><![CDATA['I've Got Something Brand New (for that ass)']]></title>
<link>https://www.happyrobot.net/words/tim.asp?id=10312</link>
<description><![CDATA[Thursday, September 22, 2011<br><br />
<br />
I would very much like to spend this Christmas holiday season in the company of Dolly Parton.  I suppose it would be alright if her family too were there, but really, to be upright and honest about the whole thing, I just need her to be there.    <br />
<br />
Tonight, I think that the State of Georgia put to death a man who was most likely not guilty of the crime he was convicted of.  And to be even more open and forthright, I am a better than 50% proponent of the death penalty in cases where the evidence is overwhelming in favor of guilt.  Like as in OJ Simpson guilty and Jeffrey MacDonald guilty.  But that is just it.  How do you separate the two.  So, now, for the record, I am no longer a proponent of execution by the State.  Granted, some people Need to be killed, and if this is to happen by its own accord, then all the better.  But, for now, it is better for a guilty man to walk the streets in pure joy at the murder he has gotten away with, than to put to death an innocent man who was wrongly accused. <br />
<br />
Along these lines, and while the subject is at hand, I will also say that I am opposed to the abortion of a fetus (unless the mother is in danger of death, etc, etc).  This is not to say, at all, that I would pass judgment on any person, who Chooses to abort a pregnancy for personal reasons.  Pro Choice is not Pro Death.  For this is not my business: to be concerned with the birthing procedures and manifestos of the greater public.  Facing facts, babies may be a pain in the ass at times, but goddamn are they fun. <br />
<br />
And nor should it be anyone's.  How can our so-called government be smaller, when its highest ruling components want to set aside fiscal policy as a forbidden territory, and make the personal details of our citizens' love lives public policy?  What is more personal and private than who we share our lives with and who we allow access to our innermost secrets and desires, than that which may occur in a bedroom, closet, elevator or Honda backseat?  And by that same argument, how many IRS accountants, auditors, supplicants, concubines and digital tape recording flow through machines have had access to my annual tax information? <br />
<br />
I'm not sure what Ms. Parton is planning for the 2011 yuletide season, but I can offer a vast array of bread, cheese, wine and festive merriment.  In the end, I just want to receive a long hug from Dolly Parton, and think for a second that even though Troy Davis is dead, that somehow, I can look forward.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
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<title><![CDATA[Watch How the Zombies Scream (it's the crack)...]]></title>
<link>https://www.happyrobot.net/words/tim.asp?id=10211</link>
<description><![CDATA[Thursday, February 17, 2011<br><br />
<br />
Jane McClure* <br />
<br />
Darren Potswaller* <br />
<br />
Freddie Gomez* <br />
<br />
LaMont Chu* <br />
<br />
Devon Masterson* <br />
<br />
That kid in fourth grade, who I doubt I landed a punch upon with any degree of accuracy <br />
<br />
Enos Tripplehorn* <br />
<br />
Potsdam Malcontent** <br />
<br />
Retrofit Converterbox** <br />
<br />
I had some beer and a Schedule II opioid analgesic just now <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
* &nbsp;Fake names I like <br />
<br />
** &nbsp;Names that should be real]]></description>
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<title><![CDATA['tis Spring and your Mothers Cry]]></title>
<link>https://www.happyrobot.net/words/tim.asp?id=9954</link>
<description><![CDATA[Wednesday, April 7, 2010<br><br />
<br />
face up against the screen<br />
sniff in the night air<br />
as I piss<br />
hard pressed to right the source<br />
pollen blocks all receptors<br />
single amino acid shift<br />
please give me more<br />
the past and future rightly meet<br />
drugs combine and I sleep.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br type="_moz" />]]></description>
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<title><![CDATA[Mama Sang Tenor]]></title>
<link>https://www.happyrobot.net/words/tim.asp?id=9877</link>
<description><![CDATA[Friday, February 5, 2010<br><br />
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<p style="margin-bottom: 0in;">My father's mother was named May, dad was Harry S.&nbsp;  His brother's name is Drew.&nbsp;  When we went there to visit, it was lamb with mint jelly and a cat that was called Baby and who always disappeared as soon as we stepped in the front door.&nbsp;  This is exactly what my cat does now when most people walk in.&nbsp;  Harry S. probably had several ailments toward the end of his life, but I remember he broke a bone in his leg or his hip by basically stepping off the curb onto the street.&nbsp;  Their car was what I am going to call a Ford Granada, with two giant doors.&nbsp;  May never had a driver license in her entire life.&nbsp;  They had powdered Pepsodent in a metal tube/can in the bathroom.&nbsp;  Their phone was Bakelite with a metal dial and weighed enough to give someone a concussion if used just right.</p>
<p style="margin-bottom: 0in;">John H. and Elizabeth were my mom's parents.&nbsp;  They lived in a pre-Revolutionary War house in Pennsylvania that began as the front house and the disconnected back portion.&nbsp;  They paid on the order of three thousand dollars for it and had a mortgage burning party when it became theirs.&nbsp;  As well as being a draftsman for an oil company, John was a furniture maker and I'm sure a qualified carpenter in his own right and connected the two parts of the house together.&nbsp;  He is kind of the rock star of the family.&nbsp;  Elizabeth lived to be one hundred and one and holds the record for family longevity.&nbsp;  At her funeral a random dog showed up at the outdoor ceremony and walked around for a minute or two before taking off.&nbsp;  She was always a dog lover, her urn of ashes and departing gifts also contained the ashes of my aunt and cousin's dog Arrow, who had preceded her into the realm of the unknown some twenty years prior.&nbsp;  Among my favorite photographs is one of a Great Dane on its hind legs towering over my grandfather, each facing one another as if dancing.&nbsp;  Elizabeth was a cool old lady who took zero shit.</p>
<p style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Photos of them at the Jersey shore in the 20s and 30s with friends and family make me want to be somewhere else or some time else in a very tangible way.&nbsp;  I have not mentioned as much about Harry and May, but we were not as close with that side of the family.&nbsp;  Some bad blood between my father and uncle that just never got set right.&nbsp;  Harry was quiet as my father was and as I often see in myself. &nbsp; May was little and smelled just like a grandmother is supposed to smell, a little like medicine and food and makeup but only in a good way. </p>
<p style="margin-bottom: 0in;">We found stashed beer in the creek across the road at age 7 and an old car in the woods with 70s pornography in it.&nbsp;  I got a poison oak infection once that covered my entire right leg and bought me a trip to the hospital.&nbsp;  As we drove away from every trip to see them, John H. would place his hands on his head and flex his naked biceps alternately right and left as we cheered with delight.</p>
<p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
<br />
</p>]]></description>
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<title><![CDATA[Not Even Close to Being on Topic]]></title>
<link>https://www.happyrobot.net/words/tim.asp?id=9861</link>
<description><![CDATA[Wednesday, February 3, 2010<br><br />
<br />
<br />
There is a new lamp that just tonight moved in to the house, and it is causing quite a commotion.&nbsp; First of all it may be a high maintenance lamp in that it did require some assembly.&nbsp; And I just don't do high maintenance.&nbsp; At least not for very long.&nbsp; But now that it has taken on its identity and actually become what it was designed to be, the maintenance issue has dropped away.&nbsp; This is not to say that my possible future anxiety surrounding the lamp is lessened any but just that the surface has now been scratched. <br />
<br />
For some background information, I can offer that I have recently added lamp fetishist to my growing list of very specific other fetishes and needs.&nbsp; Light fixtures could also be included in the general realm of this particular fetish for lamps, even though technically they should be on their own. &nbsp;Much like a leg/pantyhose fetish or a shoe fetish or a foot fetish may seem like they all belong in the same general vicinity of one another (if for no other reason but for the sheer mechanics and anatomies of it all) but - that said, these three para-sexual fetishes have about as much to do with one another as milk and lemon juice do.&nbsp; And so it follows with lamps and light fixtures. <br />
<br />
I was going to list 11 things about the existence of the new lamp which are causing me anxiety but I think this will all be solved with a low wattage Edison style light bulb and a corner where the lamp can really stretch out and keep some floor space from suddenly taking flight.&nbsp; I am resolved to give the lamp privacy and a little breathing room and we'll see how this relationship evolves.&nbsp; I have just now realized that I never really got in to what it was in the first place that made me see the lamp in a less than perfect light (an honestly unintentional play on words that I am seriously considering just rewriting).&nbsp; This might take a while and for now it will have to suffice to say that the lamp looks to have a personality to it that isn't going to take any shit, and might want to make some changes.&nbsp; I am hoping it will behave like a gentle giant, much as Andre the Giant was and not like a short dictator who has something to prove to the world at large.&nbsp; Given the stature of the lamp, I am optimistic of the former. <br />
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<title><![CDATA[To gather or collect swiftly and unceremoniously&#059; grab]]></title>
<link>https://www.happyrobot.net/words/tim.asp?id=9841</link>
<description><![CDATA[Tuesday, February 2, 2010<br>I don't usually take anything and not return it.&nbsp; But there is something that was taken from me a little over two years ago and it is now time for it to be returned.&nbsp; This is a DVD copy of the perfect 2002 release, &ldquo;Laurel Canyon&rdquo;.&nbsp; You know who you are.&nbsp; And for those of you who haven't seen this movie, I have to urge you to do so now.&nbsp; I'd like to especially know what you think of the ending, as it is somewhat ambiguous. <br />
<br />
On an unrelated topic, I think it's pretty great that this J.D. Salinger guy basically wrote/published this landmark book when he was like 32 years old and then subsequently turned his back on it for the rest of his life.&nbsp; And now he is dead and he had this whole life that was secret to everyone but those he let into it.&nbsp; Like everyone else does. <br />
<br />
<br />]]></description>
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<title><![CDATA[His Underwear Must Always Match His Shirt]]></title>
<link>https://www.happyrobot.net/words/tim.asp?id=9669</link>
<description><![CDATA[Monday, July 6, 2009<br>Monday, July 6, 2009<br />
<br />
<b>What I am Wearing:<br />
</b>White button-down shirt, heavy starch, top two buttons undone, sleeves undone, tails untucked<br />
<br />
shirt could use a wash.<br />
<br />
Brown cargo shorts with powdered bleach stains on them from when I poured powdered bleach in the washer on top of the dry clothes instead of doing this beforehand and manually dissolving the powdered bleach into the water.<br />
<br />
Underwear, boxer style, white. <br />
<br />
Black socks. <br />
<br />
<br />
<b>What I am drinking: <br />
</b>Pinot Noir. <br />
<br />
<br />
<b>What I am digesting: <br />
</b>Swordfish, grilled.<br />
<br />
Roasted Ohio corn with butter and salt. <br />
<br />
<br />
<b>What i am thinking: <br />
</b>I need a new job that pays more money<br />
I need to forget about getting a new job that pays more money and focus on more important things. <br />
After I finish the international crime detective drama that I am currently reading I am going to get all girly and read the Twilight series<br />
I like listening to Woody Allen's &quot;Manhattan&quot; more than I like watching it. <br />
I would someday like to own and rent property as a side income to slowly ridding the world of infectious viral diseases<br />
If I were to win the lottery, I would stop trying to rid the world of infectious viral diseases and spend my time buying properties and manually repairing them myself for rental use or for resale<br />
<br />
The photographs of myself donning two different food service uniforms from the late 80's/early 90's are nearly too wonderful not to share with the rest of the world. <br />
<br />
<br />]]></description>
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<title><![CDATA[Things I got from my ancestors and ain't ne'er asked for no how]]></title>
<link>https://www.happyrobot.net/words/tim.asp?id=9498</link>
<description><![CDATA[Tuesday, February 10, 2009<br>premature grey hairs &ndash; papa<br />
<br />
<br />
male pattern baldness &ndash; who knows<br />
<br />
<br />
the burden of having the Sun literally rise and set inside of my&nbsp;pants &ndash; Grandma (maternal)<br />
<br />
<br />
a taste for cheap beer and nylons in my mouth &ndash; Grandaddy #1<br />
<br />
<br />
the ability to read the printed word &ndash; great Uncle (maternal)<br />
<br />
<br />
x-ray vision glasses &ndash; a gift from my cousin on my number&nbsp;twelve birthday<br />
<br />
<br />
a sense of doom &ndash; that guy who used to stay with us sometimes<br />
<br />
<br />
the ability to fly &ndash; papa (redux)<br />
<br />
<br />
a keen sense of wit &ndash; Pawpaw (aka Grandaddy #2)<br />
<br />
<br />
fingernails &ndash; apparently everyone has these now?<br />
<br />
<br />]]></description>
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<title><![CDATA[Two Limericks of Smack, No Waiting]]></title>
<link>https://www.happyrobot.net/words/tim.asp?id=9487</link>
<description><![CDATA[Monday, February 9, 2009<br><br />
<br />
<br />
&nbsp;&nbsp; There was a young sister named Kimmy,<br />
&nbsp;&nbsp; Who went a wee psycho on Timmy.<br />
&nbsp;&nbsp; He did not care much<br />
&nbsp;&nbsp; For her stalking &lsquo;n such,<br />
&nbsp;&nbsp; And ended up inside his chimney.<br />
<br />
<br />
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; &nbsp; ---&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; ---&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; ---&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; ---&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; ---&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; ---<br />
<br />
<br />
&nbsp;&nbsp; Ashley, a sweet lass&nbsp;and true hippie,<br />
&nbsp;&nbsp; Would never wear bras on her titty.<br />
&nbsp;&nbsp; She rode a horse bare<br />
&nbsp;&nbsp; And never did care,<br />
&nbsp;&nbsp; I'd named her eyes blacky and bluey. <br />
<br />
<br />]]></description>
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<title><![CDATA[Looking Forward To Being Nervous.  Looking Forward To Being Scared Out Of My Mind.]]></title>
<link>https://www.happyrobot.net/words/tim.asp?id=9311</link>
<description><![CDATA[Tuesday, September 16, 2008<br><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Now that Wallace is gone, I will need to redirect my enthusiasm for his writing onto another author. I&rsquo;m sure there will be some sort of letters published or reprints of whatever he wrote, a 20th anniversary edition in leather of Inf. Jest. Fuck that. I only wanted the trade paperback, so that it could get all fucked up and worn in over the 3-4 months I read it in. Notes scribbled into the front and back of things that I needed paper for at the moment. Kind of like how when in the smoking days, I would always insist on having the soft pack over the hard pack, knowing full well that after 19 cigarettes were gone, that last soldier in the pack that had been passed over all those times was now ready to please me and make it alright and would have to be coaxed out of the pack like some drunken third date from a car. Its filter intact but the stem all twisted and wrong and ready to fight. I will choose dirty and scarred and used any day over clean and fresh and new. <br />
<br />
The first copy I had I lent to a Potential in Chicago and she read it or some of it and then actually her apartment had a fire and all was lost except for her and her cat. Which is good and all but my original soiled and 1997-ed copy of it were then now ash and water. So now I find a new TP to ruin with a necessary second reading, at which time a lot of shit all of a sudden makes a lot more sense than it did the first time around. To the point that a few months ago I started telling the new young buck at work about IJ in some sense and how he might be like obsessed and into it and then we could vag-out and get all girly on it and so he says, hey yes, so let me borrow that copy you have there to which I say no way in hell it is like copy 2 of 2 and it is only what $20 maybe so go forth and good luck. As a matter of fact a little more dirt wouldn&rsquo;t hurt, but it can not be another&rsquo;s dirt, only my dirt will do and I just don&rsquo;t really feel like reading it again at this juncture. Maybe in 10 years I will. <br />
<br />
Ok, so this is rare and maybe the only time it will ever happen, but if I did offend anyone with my comments re suicide and politics just the other day I am here to say I am sorry and that these are my own personal views and was a bit of a rant anyway. This might go without saying, but still in all, it has been on my mind these last 24 hours. <br />
<br />
So then the one author in particular who has eluded me in general is T. Pynchon and his god-damned Gravity&rsquo;s Rainbow. If I ever run into this reclusive potlicker, I will mount him and make him deliver to me the secret. So I have to say right here that to anyone who has actually finished that sonnofabitch has my undying respect. This is the carrot that I will get a hold of and eat before I draw my last breath. I don&rsquo;t need to necessarily understand it. Just the physical act of reading all of the words would be enough for a first run. Then I can go back and re-read it for real. (Dirty secret: I once did access a certain portion of the text that was I suppose fetishistic and dirty and rife with descriptive pornographic images and prone to support blood flow to the groin and did so then punish myself whilst reading it.) Which is like the first and last time I have ever done so (novel-wise) and may be why I have this certain obsession with this text that so eludes me. <br />
<br />
In general I think this man is a talented writer no doubt but also I am sure relished in his own groin blood flow that he can write some obtuse shit that only a certain 1/x (where x is very fucking large) of us people on the planet will like get. So that is why I say that if I meet someone who has accomplished this feat, I say good day. <br />
<br />
But I also am here to state that this book is going down. And just the other day I had an epiphany as to how to approach this task. And now I will share with you my idea. This goes back to the good and bastardly Physical Chemist/teacher of the early nineties, Bill Craft (rip) who was always beating into us that we must look at a problem from every angle in order to find the simplest and perhaps most elegant solution. His thing was to say upside down and inside out. Which is a very effective way to look at the world when trying to simplify something that seems impossible. So anyway, in honor of BC, I have decided to read Gravity&rsquo;s Rainbow not in the standard English way of page one and then page 2, but to read it backwards by chapter and see what happens. And then very likely go ahead and read it forwards just for good measure. If it makes zero sense in the forward manner for me, it must then by pure logic make complete crystalline sense in the reverse. Even though that is not a logical argument for more than a few reasons, I am making it one for my purposes here. Which is why I think writing is so much fun: you can just make up whatever you want and it works. Once it is in black and white, it works. <br />
<br />
I will be documenting my progress on this adventure of the mind as it unfolds. Please do not hold me to any sort of a timeline because I may choose another option which is to grab the pre election/post Wallace-suicide headlines by being the guy who tracked down, stalked even, and held captive for seven days one seriously reclusive 71 year old author until said author gave him a tutorial on his 1973 opus. <br />
<br />
I smell something very much like breakthrough in the air. <br />]]></description>
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<title><![CDATA[But then so...]]></title>
<link>https://www.happyrobot.net/words/tim.asp?id=9304</link>
<description><![CDATA[Sunday, September 14, 2008<br><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
one of my favorite authors has apparently committed suicide, which is unfortunate in a lot of ways. it just seems clich&eacute;: the depressed genius who self medicates until he can&rsquo;t any longer stand the possibilities and decides to end his life. I&rsquo;ve always thought of suicide as a chicken shit option unless maybe you had some serious terminal illness bearing down on you that the pain of that would take away every single good thought you had stored in your life that the idea of facing it is just too much. That I could see. So now I think differently. The ultimate power to guide your life as you see fit rests with the individual. You can argue of an importance greater than yourself I suppose, in that your family and friends are going to be devastated by your absence, which they most surely will. It is an individual life that is led first. <br />
<br />
in other news, now it turns out that John McCain and hot pantyhose + heels Palin are doing pretty well, polls wise. Maybe they are not polling the poor black people. Maybe the poor black people don&rsquo;t really vote. My hope is that they are not polling them and that they will vote, and John McCain and the Alaskan will think they&rsquo;ve got it wrapped until at the last minute they do not. I am actually betting $60 so far that the American people, en mass, are too short sighted and stupid to actually elect a black man to our highest office. I will vote for him but then I live in North Carolina which I believe still has a few counties left which do not abide by the 13th Amendment. <br />
<br />
it is this issue of race that everyone seems so hard pressed to broach. Which is why I want to do so now. There is a chance that people are actually wary of supporting Barack Obama because he is young and technically inexperienced and all of that. There is a much greater chance that they refuse to support him because of the concentration of melanin in his skin. Let&rsquo;s drop all the pretense. If you are a die-hard Republican, I can see how you would want to go with your man no matter what. To be fair, I did vote for Kerry in 2004, which was more of a turd removal move than anything else. But to be a fence sitter Independent or a Hillary democrat who won&rsquo;t back Obama based on either fear or taxes or some other excuse is just good old fashioned racism and I&rsquo;d like to hear someone go ahead and own up to it for once. But no, then you look like an asshole, and no one wants that. So they vote for McCain instead, or they stay home. <br />
<br />
it is almost as if our nation&rsquo;s dirty little secret is becoming too naughty to speak of. Ok, so we had some slaves. Crosses were burned and there may have been a few lynchings here and there. But it&rsquo;s ok now, enough time has passed. Oh well, maybe not since this all came to a head what forty years ago, give or take? Things get funny with time. Maybe we need more of it to wash over our oppressive nature as Puritans. As Mr. Elliott recently pointed out &ndash; people are forgetting that Barack Obama is not only half black, he&rsquo;s half white (Nutshell Kingdom, c. 2008). Maybe we don&rsquo;t want to remember that we used to chain people up and whip them and worse or later laughed at actors both white and black in black face dancing around on stage and film. People don&rsquo;t want to remember bad things, unless you can spin it into a good thing. We don&rsquo;t need much reminding that the Japanese government attacked us in Hawaii in December of 1941 because we got to retaliate and rid the world of fascism and Adolf Hitler, not to mention a nice piece of payback for the old Japanese. And yes it is much more complicated than that. I&rsquo;m just boiling it down to make my point. We don&rsquo;t need reminding what went on in New York, Virginia and Pennsylvania in September 2001 because we can go see where the towers used to be. Besides, all of those people who died were white. So brown kills white and we can use it; but if white kills black then that is what? Policy? Well, more like Constitutional law. <br />
<br />
so then it seems that Barack Obama&rsquo;s first sin is having had a Kenyan father with black skin which was genetically transferred to him. I don&rsquo;t see why McCain does not push this race issue more strongly. &ldquo;I&rsquo;m white, vote for me instead.&rdquo; I could even understand if a male voter wanted to vote McCain based solely on his choice of running mate. She&rsquo;s hot and she&rsquo;s got that strong female thing going on that reminds us of mommy and not to even mention the heels she always wears and has her hair up but a little bit still falls in her face and she can shoot a gun and most assuredly ride a snowmobile. <br />
<br />
to summarize, if you aren&rsquo;t voting for Obama, you may be a racist jackass and plus at any rate have zero foresight into what this country needs in the near future and might just be one of those people who went out and bought duct tape and plastic sheeting when you were told to do so. <br />
<br />
<br />]]></description>
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<title><![CDATA[Dirty Old Man]]></title>
<link>https://www.happyrobot.net/words/tim.asp?id=9126</link>
<description><![CDATA[Wednesday, April 30, 2008<br><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
I inappropriately<br />
touched your<br />
sister once by<br />
the refrigerator<br />
<br />
You know the<br />
one that we<br />
threw away after<br />
painting<br />
<br />
that awful red<br />
which seemed<br />
so nice in<br />
the store<br />
<br />
Forgive me<br />
she was delicious<br />
so sweet<br />
and so cold<br />
<br />
<br />]]></description>
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<title><![CDATA[Child Care Tips for Parents in the New Millennium]]></title>
<link>https://www.happyrobot.net/words/tim.asp?id=9010</link>
<description><![CDATA[Friday, February 15, 2008<br><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
This is chapter one. I will start by offering to you a brief summary of my qualifications. I&rsquo;ll come right out here and just tell you flat out that I do not have any children. My educational background is scientific and I think at times I see a situation and am able to remove emotion from it and see it for what it is. This works for proteins and viruses and RNA and it will work for your children. Also, I have held the young in my arms. Much like Jesus did, but the main difference being my lack of belief and fear of an omniscient God, and that I do not enjoy wearing open-toed sandals. I do like wine however, and I am a little bit on the drunk end as we speak. What I&rsquo;m getting at, as you will soon see&nbsp;for yourself, is that asking advice on child rearing from friends of yours who are also mired in this child-life that you all have chosen, that maybe this isn&rsquo;t the best idea. I have distance here. I can be the hard, cold and calculating advisor that you&rsquo;ve been seeking all of your post-child adult life. Let me help you. Buy my book, and let me help you. This is chapter one. <br />
<br />
I have children in my life, if it makes you feel any better. Like I said, I&rsquo;ve held the kids. I&rsquo;ve picked up the infants, and I&rsquo;ve changed the diapers. In truth, the first diaper I changed on my dear patient niece, I put on backwards. She didn&rsquo;t seem to care and the function of a backwards put on diaper is the same as the other kind, so no harm done. Also in the spirit of being honest here, I cannot say that I&rsquo;ve been up all night with the kid with the fever and the vomit and the emergency room, but then again I didn&rsquo;t shoot a human being out of my vaginal canal, or in my case rectum and cut its cord and worry all night and open up a 529 account. But I&rsquo;m saying I can understand your plight and I can help you. <br />
<br />
Ok so then we&rsquo;ll start at the beginning with the birth and the afterbirth and the first 100 days. If your kid can make it through the first 100 days, much like a new President, you can breathe easy and start to relax. POLITICAL INTERJECTION: I think we can all agree that GWB&rsquo;s first 100 days in orifice was a serious joke and that in general his whole eight year free-for-all-fuck-you, in the end will be a very nice Eat My Ass to the world at large. <br />
<br />
What you have to get over right off the bat is this whole idea of not hitting your children. I&rsquo;m not talking about abuse, because I think we can all agree how fucked up that can get. No, this is just some light hitting. This is shocking to hear, and I want you to take a moment to let it soak in before you dismiss me as a quack non-parent who is just trying to turn a fast buck. Think back to your own childhood. You got hit. Plenty of times. Everyone does. And if you want to talk about teaching your kids the importance of kicking a bully&rsquo;s ass on like day 1 of school, then who better to be that mentor than the parent? Ok, the wine has taken its toll. I&rsquo;m not saying to actually hunt your kids down and punch them, but if they drop the ball, figuratively speaking, swing away. <br />
<br />
We&rsquo;ve strayed. And I apologize. You paid good money to learn how to deal with these little devil spawn and I have apparently had too much wine and told you to essentially hit your kids for spilling milk. Not so. <br />
<br />
Ok, so then, to regroup, what I&rsquo;m getting at here is not to be a slave to your kids. Yes, of course you should pick them up when they are crying, and not leave them in that crib to tough it out &ndash; that&rsquo;s fucked up. Crying = pick up. Write that down. When they have teeth that bite the milky nipple, guess what? Time to stop the tit farm production line. You&rsquo;ll have plenty of years to do damage to your kids, don&rsquo;t think that you have to make this first few months some magical bounty of parenting skill that will make your neighbors wet themselves. If they are alive after 100 days, you have succeeded in being a parent. Think of it as you would think of a new car. Did I get the insurance? Check. Did I put gas in it? Check. Did I change the oil? Check. You have years and years to make mistakes. Let the first 100 days be a trial period. This is a blob of skin and hair that cannot sit up, eat or shit without your help. As if it were a new rug that you&rsquo;ve always wanted and you finally got it and goddamnit if the room doesn&rsquo;t just pop with that sonnofabitch in the middle, huh? Vacuum the rug, clean the rug if the cat pukes on it, keep the rug indoors for a few days, maybe don&rsquo;t smoke in the same room as the rug with the windows up, that sort of thing. Oh, and a side note to you people with kids who smoke in the car with the mother-fucking windows UP? Fuck you and shame on you. You should be held criminally liable. Ok, yes I just recently have taken a hiatus from the smoke, and so I may be a bit of a smoke snob, but even when I was smoker guy, that shit bothered me. Go outside for the love of Christ. <br />
<br />
The main thrust here for chapter one is to have an alive child after 100 days and to strap that little toothless ape on your back and take them out. No more of this, &ldquo;I can&rsquo;t do that or this because my kid goes to sleep at that time&rdquo;, crap. Don&rsquo;t be a slave to your kids. Try and parent somewhere in between the leadership examples given to us by Adolf Hitler and Mother Superior. We all know that Adolf was kind of a dick, I don&rsquo;t think anyone is going to try and dispute that. But there must have been times when he was an ok guy in the eyes of his fellow Germans. Hey, Adolf, how about a game of football, they&rsquo;d say. Oh, not now, I have to go and sulk and be angry, but thanks. So there he is. And then you have Mother Saint What&rsquo;s Her Name, who is nice and good and does all that is right, but you also know will smack your insubordinate ass into the dark ages if you cross the line. As well she should. Strike a balance parents. And buy my book. Strike a balance while you are in line to buy my book. Have some coffee and stand in line and buy it for full price. <br />
<br />
<br />
Stay tuned for chapter 2: Pre-pubescence and the Art of Psychological Abuse...<br />
<br />
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<title><![CDATA[A Little Sexist, A Little Racist, And A Lot of Fun]]></title>
<link>https://www.happyrobot.net/words/tim.asp?id=8882</link>
<description><![CDATA[Tuesday, November 13, 2007<br><br><br><br><br>To be honest, I am not all that interested in who is the next President of the US.  During the 2004 Presidential election cycle, I was heavily invested in the outcome and I was sure that more than half of the voting public would finally see this President as the worst we've ever had in our history and replace him.  I have a bet right now with two people I work with for $20 each that the Dems will fuck up this election somehow and the Republican party will win again.  I will put no degree of incompetence past them.  They did it in 1988 by throwing a walking, talking eyebrow up there, and they can do it again.  <br><br>My disinterest and bitterness which surrounds Presidential politics stems from the continued use of the Electoral College system of voting and my inhabitance in a southern state.  North Carolina has a conservatively Democratic state House and Senate, but consistently puts Republicans in the US Senate and White House.  What you'll say next is that every vote counts, you have to vote.  That myth has finally been dispelled.  My vote didn't count in 2000, along with a lot of other people&#059; but in a larger sense, as long as I live in this state, my vote for President will never count.  It may be a high coincidence that the person I voted for gets the required number of EC votes and gets into the White House, but this is not always the case.  <br><br>To answer the question: Who do I think will be the next President of the United States?  Making the leap of faith that the Democratic party does not fuck up this golden trifecta of opportunity with a very unpopular war, a looming recession and a sitting President with an approval rating in the 20s – assuming they can do that, I am sure that John Edwards will receive the party nomination to be on the November 2008 ballot.  As much as I would like to see Bill Clinton back in the White House, he probably has just as much power now as he did as President.  The person who I want to be President, and the only person I will vote for is Barack Obama.  It is difficult to decide whether or not this nation's racism is worse than its sexism.  No, of course it is.  What am I saying.  But a white kid from the south up against Hillary Clinton and a black man couldn't do much better odds-wise.  <br><br>Fortunately for the Democrats, the Republicans seem to have their heads in the vicinity of their asses right now and that can't hurt.  What will happen is that the Democrat elected will have the war hung around their neck like a noose, and then in 2012 somehow magically we will all have forgotten how all of this got started.  It will be the reverse of Vietnam with the buck being passed from Republican to Democrat.  What we really need is someone we can all rally around and hate, not this War on Terror nonsense.  We need the return of good old European fascism and communism to make a comeback.  We need the Ruskies to dig up the head of Adolf Hitler and extract some DNA from that sonnofabitch and get some cloned racial hatred going against some group that we can all agree is worth helping out, even though we're really doing it for a whole slew of other reasons, while busy ignoring our hypocrisies at home with our own racism and such and such.  It would make us all feel so good to have a common enemy again.  We almost had one in Osama bin Laden, but it turns out that his family has too much money and does business with the family who runs this country.  <br><br>The best overall solution is an invasion of our country by some other country.  I don't know enough about Revolutionary War history to say if the Brits were already here or if they swam over to fight.  Maybe it was both.  But that's neither here nor there.  If Africa The Continent could get their shit together and stop dying of AIDS, they could swim over and beat our cracker asses back into the stone age, and with a black President leading the way, make this country great again.  And give the Native Americans all of those middle states to live in and tear down all of the casinos.  <br><br>Now that I think about it, I'm just going to write myself in for President.  I encourage all of you to do the same.  <br><br><br>]]></description>
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<title><![CDATA[I Would Actually, In a Second]]></title>
<link>https://www.happyrobot.net/words/tim.asp?id=8873</link>
<description><![CDATA[Monday, November 5, 2007<br>Not sure what made me think of this.  It must have been after a dream or something that I thought about as I awoke in the middle of the night.  This happened a long time ago, almost to the point where I'm not sure if it was even me, or just a story I heard once, a movie maybe.  <br><br><br>In the seventh grade I was in what we called a gang, but not of the kind  that committed crimes or did anything really destructive or anything like that – more of the sort that hung around together in that two or three hours after school got out and before our parents got back from work.  Which seems to have taken on a negative aspect now in terms of leaving your kid alone at age twelve to wander about the neighborhood, but I think it's a good idea.  Better maybe than other things your kids could be doing, safely tucked away inside of the house.  We grew up in middle-class homes in a small town.  The kind of town with one grade school, one middle school and one high school.  A total in-town population of say twenty thousand people.  Seemed big at the time.   <br><br>There were five of us in this gang and we had been going out during this interim afternoon time for the previous summer and into the first months of the fall.  I don't remember exactly when this happened, but it was around this time of year – early November.  Everyone was basically the same age, same grade in school, same socioeconomic background.  Our parents all knew each other and played cards on a rotating basis at each others' houses throughout the year.  Pinochle was the game they played, which I've never quite gotten the gist of except that it is a trump/partner sort of game like bridge is, only nowhere near as complex as bridge.  When they played at our house my brother and I were impounded to the upstairs with the 13 inch black and white TV and left to our own devices.  Every now and then there would be a burst of laughter to some change in the cards or in response to an adult joke that we didn't get.  There were always exotic snacks that could be pilfered on the way through to the kitchen for more ginger ale.  Variations of nuts in bowls only seen during parties and holidays.  The smell of alcohol in the air.  <br><br>The gang couldn't do much past this time of year because we lived in Northern Michigan, and by Thanksgiving there might be snow on the ground or at least the expectation of snow.  Our habit was to walk around the neighborhood and see what was new.  Maybe we threw a few rocks, got baseball cards and crappy gum.  There were a lot of alleys that divided the blocks in this area of town, which was our normal mode of getting from one place to another.  It seemed like we were hiding, plus in alleys you have a better chance at finding something that no one else has yet, which is exactly what happened.  <br><br><br>We came out of a backyard and someone saw a shoe sticking out from under a bush.  No big deal, a shoe.  But then once we start to pass it, we saw that it's not just a shoe, it is a shoe attached to a pants leg.  Now we stop.  Kind of just looked at it for a minute, because you know what it is, but it takes a minute for the image to register in your head as to what you are actually seeing.  By the time this connection has been made, one of the guys is already poking at it with a stick.  No movement.  He keeps poking as half of us are staring at the leg and the other half are looking around to see if anyone else is walking by or in their back yards, like we already had the feeling of having done something wrong.  Somebody says to pull it out and time is spent deciding who is this person who will actually be the one to touch the leg with their hand and pull out what is known to be a dead person from its hiding place.  One kid is chosen and reluctantly starts to pull on the shoe, which then comes off of the dead foot.  He falls to the ground on his ass with the shoe still in his hands.  There is some talk at this point as to maybe this is an adult body and how long has it been there and what condition might it be in, generally speaking.  <br><br>I was the only one of the five who had been in close proximity to a dead body, and that was at a funeral, so not quite the same thing.  I say it's no big deal, it will basically look just like a real person, only they won't be moving, they'll look like they are asleep or holding their breath.  This seems like an acceptable answer to most of us, and we now proceed to pull on the pants leg, two of us, to uncover the body.  I'm not sure why we didn't just move the bush aside.  We had started down the course or pulling the body out, and had no other options that seemed as good at the time.  The body is heavy and two of us pull it out and it is face down in the middle of the alley.  Two more roll it over, thinking that they will see this sleeping, non breathing adult before them, but what we really see is a dead body that has been lying there for what must have been two days.  The face is the only visible flesh part which is a pale white color and kind of puffy.  <br><br><br>The general rule when you are scared as a kid is to A) run away, or B) do the opposite and do something so ballsy that you don't really know why you are doing it, only that it is better than running away.  Not having been taught how to deal with these specific circumstances, I offer to bite the arm of the dead body for all of the money on hand.  And I realize that I've said the actual words before I understand what it is I have committed myself to.  Of course an offer such as this would not go by the wayside, and the money is out and collected and presented to me just at the moment when I start to wonder what will this feel like.  Sure, I've bitten people up until this point, lots of times, who hasn't?  But a breathing person has that warmth of thirty-seven degrees C that is unmistakable as life that as it turns out, a dead body does not possess.  Such a simple thing whose absence is immediately recognizable.  But at this one moment, I do not know this.  I know a statement has been made, apparently by me, and that money is visible, and all I have to do is bite this guy's arm who is probably just either asleep or drunk and passed out and he might even wake up and then all I've done is bite a sleeping old guy and really did him a favor because this is early November in Michigan at 4:30 p.m. and it is like 30 degrees outside and only going to get colder in the next few hours.  <br><br><br>I am informed that the money is only going to be given over after I have made contact with the body, as witnessed by all four of the other gang members who will be watching at ground level for any signs of fraudulent behavior on my part.  This of course leads to a new round of discussion from me as to well, how can I trust them that once I have actually bitten the arm, how do I know you assholes won't run off with the money after I have sealed my end of the agreement?  This is something I know is within them to do.  There is some excited banter and yelling and somehow within five minutes time it is decided that I will get half of the money up front as a sign of good faith on the parts of the four observers (approximately one dollar and twenty-five cents), and the other half upon completion of the act.  The caveat to this arrangement being that if I chicken out and run with the good faith, pre-act loot in hand, that I will be summarily chased down and beaten by the other four and left in a similar condition as the body on display.  In fact, if I were to chicken out and run and drop the money on the ground, the same fate would apply.  It is decided that an inspection of the arm will be done initially in order to determine the tone of the skin and to define the area which will be subject to the bite.  Also, to make sure that there are no other marks on the skin that could be mistaken later as a bite.  So I say ok, and they say ok, let's do this and get the hell out of here.  <br><br><br><br>I put the first installment of the bet into my pocket and get down on the ground in front of the dead arm.  Someone removes the glove and pulls up the shirt sleeve, exposing the arm.  I am trying to focus only on the arm and not look into the face.  The other four positioned around the body are staring at the two inch by two inch area that has been defined as the acceptable location for the bite.  Silence descends.  I grab the arm like an ear of corn and it is heavy.  I lean over and bite down onto it and the sensation of having this cold flesh in my mouth is instantly not right.  I panic.  I bite down more.  Now I feel that I may have bitten through the skin.  Not because I can tell one way or another, but because of how hard I am biting, I must have broken through the skin.  All of this is happening in the space of less than ten seconds, maybe less than five.  Apparently I did break the skin.  I don't let my mouth open as I pull back, I just want to get away from this arm and stand up.  So I do.  I stand up and back away from the body but with my mouth still closed around the arm.  The weaker connection between arm and skin and mouth and skin is going to give first, and this turns out to be arm and skin.  I must have pulled back quickly because when I stood up, I had a piece of the skin hanging off of my lower lip, part of which I am still clenching onto when I look at the four guys standing in front of me.  <br><br><br>Within seconds they are screaming and pointing at my face and I don't really know what they are saying but I spit out the piece of skin and look at the red mark on the dead arm.  I don't say anything.  I don't know if I was upset and in shock or just outside of it.  Maybe they are the same thing.  Either way, I have won.  They are beside themselves in part disgust and part amazement and awe.  The four of them are all jumping up and down, looking back and forth between me and the body.  It is as if each one of them is never in the air or on the ground at the same time as any of the other three, like some sort of human replica of a four cylinder engine.  Amazement and awe triumph and calls and dares are made for more.  Blood has been drawn.  Fortunately no one has any more money and it is late enough and dark enough and cold enough to go.  I spit out what saliva I have in my mouth and rub dirt into my gums and onto my tongue more as a show than anything.  I really don't remember tasting anything bad, no blood taste.  Maybe I was just washing my mouth out with dirt because that's what I thought I should do in this situation.  <br><br><br>In the end it almost seems like it was a good thing having bitten a piece off of this dead guy's arm.  One kid went home and told his sister what we found, minus the biting part.  And his sister being six years old tells his parents at dinner what she heard, and the police are called and the body is discovered that night.  The guy was eighty something years old and had had a heart attack while outside raking leaves.  He could have been there for a long time before being noticed.  I still feel a little bad about it, but I figure it's a small price to pay to have your body found before the first snow falls.  The police thought some animal bit the body.  <br><br><br>We still had our gang after this, and the story of the arm biting kind of grew to epic proportions with each iteration more fantastic than the last, to the point where other kids weren't quite sure if they believed in any one word of it or not.  But it sounded plausible, like it could be true, and also absurd enough that it might all just be made up.  Or maybe they just wanted to believe it.  I can't say.  I was there, I know that.  Besides, would I lie to you good people of the world?  <br><br><br><br>]]></description>
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<title><![CDATA[Ten Events Which When Aligned And In A Historical Context Will Alter The Face Of My Future]]></title>
<link>https://www.happyrobot.net/words/tim.asp?id=8763</link>
<description><![CDATA[Wednesday, August 22, 2007<br><br><br><br><br>1.  The fucking guy at the end of the street who is blowing leaves or dirt or what the fuck ever at 930 at night for like a fucking hour now stops.<br><br>2.  The windshield that I just had installed on The Worst Car I Have Ever Owned suddenly stops making that weird noise between 60 and 100 mph that it never made before and settles down and behaves like a normal windshield is expected to behave. <br>	<br>3.  The yellow warning light which has recently appeared on the dash panel of The Worst Car I Have Ever Owned either magically goes away, or goes away after my mechanic pushes a magical button inside of the computer-brain of TWCIHEO.  <br><br>4.  The average optical density values of the no-antigen control read at 405 nanometers of the ELISA method that is a pain in my ass suddenly drop well below the average OD values of the 0.391 ug/mL standard, which marks the lower end of the standard curve of the aforementioned assay, the very same assay now lodged inside the lower 5 inches of my colon.  <br><br>5.  The special order asshole ceramic tiles that I ordered from The Home Depot will actually arrive without so much as a single scratch of an infant's toenail upon their trendy and overpriced Asian Black, pseudo-slate surface, so that I may complete the long awaited hearth of my cosmetic fireplace hole. <br><br>5a. as a side note, due to the non perfect condition of the previous 3 orders of tiles from The Home Depot, there is no future situation that will make me enter a The Home Depot ever again in this lifetime.  To clarify, my cat in a burlap bag + brick + swimming pool, or buy some nails at The Home Depot, well, nice having known you Robinson.  Inject me with 10cc of HIV infected blood or just stop by THD for a hot dog – at least I knew what it was like to have a high white blood cell count once.  <br><br>6.  It begins to rain this evening, and does not stop until even the farmers are complaining about why does it have to rain so goddamn much.  Let us pray to Jesus to make it rain somewhere else already.  <br><br>7.  I suddenly stop worrying about anything that happens to me in the next 48 hours.<br><br>8.  The dead reappear for a non-zombie dreamlike appearance.  <br><br>9.  The Earth stops rotating on its axis without the loss of gravity or any other important and necessary Earth rotational effects for one day.  <br><br>10.  That girl I work with whose dog was killed when the house burned down starts to smile again.  <br><br><br>]]></description>
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<title><![CDATA[Christmas Time is Here, You Imperialist Dog You]]></title>
<link>https://www.happyrobot.net/words/tim.asp?id=8183</link>
<description><![CDATA[Wednesday, November 29, 2006<br><br><br><br><br>For the benefit of shortening the time of Desired Product on Shelf to Xmas Tree or Other Religious Hearth, I present:  <br><br>Acceptable forms of physical, aural or visual interaction with fellow shoppers while waiting in line for a holiday store to open, or while in the store and in-melee.  Actual practices taken from Reuters news wire denoted with **.  <br><br><br><br><br>Serrated knife against external or internal jugular vein area.  No more than 10% skin breakage by blade.  Minimal blood.<br><br>Clean ice pick jab into one kidney, one time and then removed quickly while disappearing into a crowd with the goods.  Ice pick may be from same store if purchased on same day as assault.  The ice pick in the kidney bit produces little immediate blood, but that person with a brand new hole in their organ will forget all about the Playstation 3 they were holding and drop to the floor.  You can even pretend to be the one helping them as they fall, and then make off with the PS 3 goods.  <br><br>** One sweep of foot against the knee of a person of at least 85 years of age.  (1)<br><br>One poke in eyes using first two fingers of dominant hand in the method of The Three Stooges.  One repeat attempt at poke in eyes if the enemy combatant uses the classic vertical-hand-against-bridge-of-nose-block.  Acceptable alternates include: stomp on foot followed by a roundhouse smack on head (bald EC's only); fake stain on shirt alert with a hand-to-face cuff issued in a vertical line from fake-stain-alert area to face of victim; head lock with supporting noogie.  Sound effects by crowd or combatants acceptable only during approved The Three Stooges physical comedy routines.<br><br>** Pushing.<br><br>** Shoving.<br><br>** Tripping.<br><br>** Biting (non-sensual)<br><br>Fake heart attack for sympathy as a mode of distraction.<br><br>** Actual self-induced heart attack for distraction purposes. <br><br>Self-inflicted wound of ice pick into kidney for the sole purpose of crowd sympathy.  As in, “Someone has just inserted a clean ice pick into one and only one of my kidneys and then removed it and then disappeared into this crowd.  Can you please give me that motorized talking bear/electronic gaming device/other that you are holding?” <br><br>Masked bandit kissing with excessive and partially digested food still in mouth.  Outfit must include a cape and may not in any way resemble an actual super hero.  <br><br>** Gentle, but not that gentle, sensual biting if wearing a costume getup as described just above.  No food in oral cavity necessary.  <br><br>Man in trench coat getup: underwear at ankles, trench coat buttoned up, thumb of non-dominant hand in mouth undergoing active sucking, eyes wandering over crowd for any takers.  Only physical interaction needed is to occasionally bump into members of crowd to get their attention.  Measurements of crowd dispersal using this technique are varied and controversial.  Dispersal should occur within seconds.  If any stragglers remain after 15 seconds, begin to unbutton trench coat to reveal what they fear might just be there.  Use of blood pressure regulating medicines (Viagra, Cialis) is optional.  For the more disturbed – tuck genitals between legs with open coat and simulate a 4 year old girl's need to potty while continuing to suck on thumb and saying mommy, mommy, mommy into your closed mouth.  If any crowd members are still remaining and you are not yet under arrest, get out, you have lost this one.  If any male crowd members are mimicking your actions, or have either one or both of their hands in their pants, your behavior choices and the resultant emotional, physical and psychological effects and implications are your own and the sole risk of the primary thumb sucker.  <br><br>Clothesline.  Fake arm cast may be used for added injury.  <br><br>Peanut butter in ear gag.  Family or restaurant-sized smooth peanut butter in non-dominant hand/arm.  Use dominant hand to scoop up a wad of peanut butter and smear it into an EC's closest ear.  A good combination is to smear a line of EC's each in turn, about face, and use the clothesline or a leg sweep + push as a follow up.  <br><br>** Urination in public gag.  Obviously not as physical as some other methods here, however, research shows this as a very effective clearing technique.  Only 5% of a given population is considered pee-curious, minimizing onlookers and the annoying “pee on me next” requests.  Preparation includes drinking four cups coffee within 20 minutes followed by four glasses beer between 30 and 60 minutes of performance.  Optional dietary bonus: two asparagus sandwiches eaten a few hours prior to zero hour.  Especially effective in outside and cold situations.  Appropriate sounds of relief of pressure on swollen bladder tissue are expected and helpful for crowd control.  (2)<br><br>** Singing or humming songs of the season to yourself.  <br><br><br><br>End notes<br><br>(1) If sweep of knee on octogenarian + citizen is successful, the still standing EC may then choose to either, (a) yell out “boo-yahh!!” while performing a fake karate chop or closed fist punch into the air or, (b) actually add more injury to shopper by driving elbow into their 85 + YO neck while jumping down upon them from on-high.  Also known as the Pile Driver.  No verbal additives allowed if choosing option (b) over (a). <br><br>(2) A useful alternate to the public urination gag is the I Just Wet My Own Pants but I Refuse to Leave This Store Gag.  Same preparation needs as the UIPG, except wear either dark tan/khaki pants or light grey pants for maximum visual perception of the wetted area by the crowd.  Improvised use of thumb suck/throat noise is helpful but optional.  Improvised fetal position/thumb suck while actual wetting is taking place has never been successfully performed due to negative crowd-as-mob disgust mentality which usually turns into a kicking festival on your own body.  <br><br><br>]]></description>
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<title><![CDATA[Good Morning, My Bitches...]]></title>
<link>https://www.happyrobot.net/words/tim.asp?id=7916</link>
<description><![CDATA[Tuesday, July 11, 2006<br><br><br>(granted, a little more hostile than is necessary)<br><br><br><br><br>Alright so I'm writing you now.  It's 3:42 in the morning.  I know that this interruption of my R.E.M. sleep will wreak havoc tomorrow.  But that is why they pick coffee beans.  I had one of those family dreams.  Big dinner table full of family members, everyone talking at once.  Except that this one was amicable.  Like it was nice, not all fucked like it usually is.  Of course I know that this is heavily dependent on my own personal point of view.  If anyone understands the importance of point of view, it is I.  I am trying to find internet evidence for my long lost Uncle.  I know that he lives in Florida, so if any of you are there now, keep an eye out.  He looks like the eagle from the Muppets who reads the news.  The real serious eagle who's all stern and serious and inadvertently who something happens to (the eagle) and it is pure comic genius.  Sam the Eagle.  Anyway, for real, he looks like that.  I turn out to be the #2 Google search item for the search of my own personal name.  Which is slightly interesting in that nowhere can I recall on this website having placed my last name.  The Tim Wagner who occupies the #1 position is “a senior manager for BEA's WebLogic Workshop product. He leads the WTP project in Eclipse and also serves on the Eclipse Architecture and Planning councils.”  Sounds like a bunch of crap to me.  Ok so now I have officially placed my last name on this web-page so that in all probability the next search that I do will yield different results.  <br><br>And so the reason why I wish to find my long lost Uncle is so that I may obtain from him some family information.  His has compiled in his lifetime a family tree for that side of the family which is my surname.  All the way back to like the composer.  I have or can obtain the other half fairly easily.  Oddly enough, when I type in my first name only with the exclamation mark after it, nothing.  If I put it into parenthesis, same result.  For the record, I've always hated having an exclamation mark after my name.  First of all, I am not a fan of people yelling, and secondly, usually this point of punctuation follows and entire sentence: E.g., ‘That guy just stole my dog!', or the more common, ‘Call the police, some guy named Tim just stole my dog!'.  I could understand it more in the way of like say in Star Trek: The Wrath of Kahn (1982), where Kirk screams out, ‘Kahn!', and then later Kahn yells back, ‘Kirk!'.  Or maybe it is just James T. who uses the proclative.  If anyone should be yelling names out, like as in a singular fashion, it seems to make sense to be William Shatner.  As an aside here, Shatner's latest recording excursion “Has Been” not only contains the as-expected levels of camp, but is really entertaining and fun.  Somewhere in between the debut De La Soul album and say a Ray Coniff album.  More related to the DLS-1, which now that I think of it is a safe distance from camp.  Maybe it's a little goofy at times, perhaps even showy, but if you have the sack volume to name yourself Posdnuos, Trugoy the Dove, and Pasemaster Mase, shit's gotta be good.  Is all I'm saying.  <br><br>Perhaps now I could have this changed.  In an effort to make this process more difficult than it needs to be, you tell me, what should be the punctuation that follows my page id line?  And be creative, don't say like ‘?', or ‘,'.  And to answer the question, will this new found post-name id tag line punctuation ruling relate directly to an increased frequency in the posts to the web page at whose apex this very name garnishes?  No.  I kind of wish I were just now waking up so that I could in good conscience have coffee.  <br>]]></description>
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<title><![CDATA[The Seven Sisters of Need]]></title>
<link>https://www.happyrobot.net/words/tim.asp?id=7414</link>
<description><![CDATA[Friday, February 3, 2006<br><br><br>One sister was Madonna of Light, blinded by disease<br>Two sister was Madonna of Pain, an evil pleasure from hearts<br>Three sister was Madonna of Fear, never leaving the house<br>Four sister was Madonna of Love, the very gift of erotic<br>Five sister was Madonna of Nature, and lived in the wood<br>Six sister was Madonna de la Luna, slept at day, walked at night<br>Seven sister was Madonna of Fate, lies to each, faith to all<br>]]></description>
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<title><![CDATA[John Donne, uncapitalized, one comma only]]></title>
<link>https://www.happyrobot.net/words/tim.asp?id=7113</link>
<description><![CDATA[Friday, December 2, 2005<br><br><br><br><br><br>death be not proud though some have called thee<br>mighty and dreadfull for thou art not so<br>for those whom thou think'st thou dost overthrow<br>die not poore death nor yet canst thou kill me<br>from rest and sleepe which but thy pictures bee<br>much pleasure then from thee much more must flow<br>and soonest our best men with thee doe goe<br>rest of their bones and soules deliverie<br>thou art slave to fate chance kings and desperate men<br>and dost with poyson warre and sicknesse dwell<br>and poppie or charmes can make us sleepe as well<br>and better then thy stroake why swell'st thou then<br>one short sleepe past wee wake eternally<br>and death shall be no more, death thou shalt die<br><br>]]></description>
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