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]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/ornith.asp?id=7885 Since I'm doing double duty while actually having to work as well, I am going to be a jerk and reprint something that has been published elsewhere. I am guessing more people may read it here, however:


Pete Doherty has been arrested so many times in the last few years, it would seem that the most recent arrest in Sweden at the Hultsfred festival, which only netted him a $1,900.00 fine, may not even register in that giant British head of his.
To try to rattle off each and every arrest would be a bit redundant, so we'll just go with the highlights:

July 25, 2003:

Soon after being asked to leave the Libertines because of his various drug addictions, Doherty broke into ex-bandmate Carl Barat's apartment in “a highly emotional and drug-befuddled state," by breaking down the door and stealing various expensive possessions.
And so, Babyshambles was born, a mewling, spewing bastard trainwreck of a band.
Doherty was sentenced to prison for six months for this incident. The sentence was later reduced to 2 months on appeal. For some reason, they let him back into the Libertines upon his release. This guy must be one smooth talker.

September 1st 2004:

Doherty is given a four month suspended sentence for possession of a switchblade.
He arrived for sentencing Michael Jackson style, playing guitar through the roof of a car and later told the press he was declared “Innocent. What about the Magna Carta? Did she die in vain?” Ummm...

Feb 3rd 2005:

Doherty spends several days in prison after not being able to come up with the 150,000 pound bail for allegedly assaulting filmmaker Max Carlish who claimed to be making a documentary about our boy Pete. That movie could go either way, really. Either completely fascinating, or totally boring and incoherent. Hope he's got a good editor. And a good lawyer. The charges are eventually dropped, however.

October 2nd 2005:

On the heels of the “Cocaine Kate” incident, Doherty is (again) arrested for possession after the Babyshambles tour bus is raided by the police. Charges are eventually dropped. How inept are the British police that they can't even convict Pete Doherty, of all people, for drug possession? Doherty is arrested again one week after these charges were dropped.



January 27th 2006:

Our boy is remanded to police custody for 2 weeks after being arrested THREE TIMES the previous day on suspicion of possessing drugs. Way to go, Pete! If at first you don't succeed and all that. Also, if you're arresting this guy on “suspicion” of possessing drugs, how does he even leave the house? I suspect he is in possession of drugs right now, and I'm just sitting here typing. But I'll bet you dollars to donuts I'm right. I am totally, like, psychic or something.

February 27th 2006:

Ok, now this is starting to get boring. Pete is arrested for...wait for it...possession of drugs. Oh, and also stealing a car, just to spice things up, I guess.


Blah, blah, blah, arrest for possession, blah blah, arrested after photos of Pete shooting up a groupie are published in a Fleet Street rag, blah blah blah, the latest incident in Sweden.
Whew. And the guy is only 27. Although if you have a death pool going with your pals (as you do,) I'd say the boy is cash money.




]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/ornith.asp?id=7790 This week in Greenpoint, granny panties and giant bras were up, while jock straps were down.


Also, panties are delicious.


Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/ornith.asp?id=7704 It's nice out. We have been enjoying the outdoors.

Hanging out in the yard:



Taking in the scenery:



Taking a trip to Coney Island and thinking sexy thoughts:




]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/ornith.asp?id=7536 In an inter-office envelope I just received, this note:

Ken,

Here are your socks, freshly laundered. Thanks for lending them to me - they made a world of difference on a day I won't soon forget!

-Jen

Thankfully, there were no socks attached.]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/ornith.asp?id=7400 Gwyneth's head in a box. Gwyneth's head in a box.


Happy b-day robots!]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/ornith.asp?id=7390 Just a few tips for the New York real estate brokers posting ads on Craigslist:

1. We all know by now that "cozy" means tiny in real estate speak. Don't be frontin'. Also along those lines: 650 sq feet is not "huuuuge." How about "not tiny, but really not that big, either?"

2. Bushwick is not Williamsburg no matter how much you want it to be or how many times you put the word "hip" in your ad. And there is no such place as "East Williamsburg." "South Park Slope" is Sunset Park. Bed-Stuy is not Fort Greene, Clinton Hill or Prospect Heights.

3. "Rooms" are not the same as "bedrooms." Just because an apartment has 3 rooms in it does not make it a 3 bedroom apartment, especially when one of those rooms is the kitchen.

4. Please check your spelling. I do not want to live in a rent "stabalized" apartment. It's "luxury" not "luxuary." And let's not even get into your incredibly loose definition of luxury. A neighborhood or building can be quiet, but it cannot be "quite" unless it is something else. "Quite ugly?" "Quite seedy?" "Quite overpriced?"

5. Just because you can walk into a closet does not make it a "walk-in closet." And what the hell is a "walk-in apartment?" Is there any other kind? Are there actually apartments that you have to climb into, or perhaps be dropped from the air? "Hey, dude, I got this great deal on an apartment in a hip part of East Williamsburg. The only problem is, you have to swim through a pipe to get into it. But that's why it's such a good deal."

6. I am immediately suspicious of any ad that contains more than 3 exclamation points. Also, quit yelling.

7. "Steps from everything" is either incredibly obvious - everything is some amount of steps from somewhere else. In theory, I am steps from New Mexico. You don't see me walking there, though - or an anomaly of physics. You can't be (a small number of) steps from everything. Unless the universe has totally collapsed in upon itself and I'm not aware of it. In that case, my apologies, Einstein.

8. Gut renovation is not a selling point, at least for me. Does anyone think it's a good thing to rip all of the character out of a building and throw up some flat white walls and a "beautiful marble bath?" Yuk.

9. It totally sucks that NYC is apparently the only place in the world where the tenant has to pay the broker fee. In every other civilized place in the world, the landlord pays the fee. Which also makes the ridiculously high rents all the more galling.

10. What the hell is wrong with my dog? You've never even met him. He's a good boy. And he's a hell of a lot less destructive than my cats, and yet most places take cats, but very few allow dogs, or allow them with a huuuuuge (really) security deposit. Stick it, dog haters.

]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/ornith.asp?id=7266 Just a quickie. Don't expect Joan Didion or nothin'.

This morning I had to take the train out to Brookline to go to my chiropractor's. At 10am there is no one on the train except for me and a bunch of crazy people. I first noticed him at Park Street when I heard some loud screaming. This is fairly normal for Park St., so I ignored it. Then I walked by a well dressed older man carrying a bunch of papers neatly tucked into a folder and a newspaper. As I passed him, he mumbled to himself, "I think Bill Clinton is a dope!" Alright, fair enough. You, sir, are entitled to your opinion. Then he screamed a few more times. I got on the car farthest from him so as not to be on his car in case he went berzerk (you never know.) Got a seat and as I was settling in, I looked up at the man sitting next to me and recognized the aforementioned folder and newspaper. He sat down and started ranting about how he had waited 10 minutes for the train. Join the club, crazy dude. I waited 20. He then turned to me and mumbled something unintelligible. Oh, great, now he's talking to me. Against my better judgement I said, "excuse me?" "I said, 'Do you think people around here give you a hard time?'"
I replied in the negative. "Well, I think they give you a hard time." Then he mumbled something about moving down south. Good idea. I hear it's Crazy Guy paradise down there.

On a completely different subject, when did people start pronouncing "Jaguar" as "Jagwire?" People, it's pronounced "jag-war." I'll even give you "jag-u-ar," even though I will think you are pretentious/British. But there is no wire anywhere in that word.]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/ornith.asp?id=7159 As if Ornithopter were a Rankin Bass production minus the weird claymation, I bring you a seasonally appropriate repeat of last year's holday themed entry. Gather 'round the yule computer, won't you, as we revisit my "10 Most Hated Christmas Songs."



‘Tis the frickin' season for crappy “rock ‘n roll” Christmas songs. This usually begins around mid-November, leaking out of every chain store, restaurant, pit of despair imaginable, management types having forced the poor employees to play it in order to get people to spend, spend, SPEND! Frankly, it makes me want to run as far away as possible, but then again, I don't shop at the Disney Store regularly (or ever,) either, so I may not be a good marketing subject. My inability to escape the worst of the worst of Christmas music this week has inspired me to share my pain with all of you folks.

10. “Christmas Is The Time To Say I Love You” - Billy Squier

Is it, really, Billy? So, if your...Uh, wife? Husband? Anyway, if someone says “I love you” in say, August, are you going to shush them? “Now is not the time for this! Wait until Christmas...jeez...you're so embarrassing. Now please watch me dance. What do you think of this whole flailing thing I've got going? It's hot, right?”


9. “Christmas Wrapping” - The Waitresses

This one always gets me because I actually don't mind it at first. Instead of immediately changing the radio station, I might actually let this one go and the first listen is not so bad. It's the second and the third and the 47th and the umpteenth times that get a bit annoying. Why can't she just get it together and go out with the guy? And if he keeps blowing you off like that, maybe it's just not meant to be, you know? Take a hint. But no, you've got to corner the poor guy at the grocery store while he's just trying to buy cranberries and is caught off guard, so has no way of getting out of going out with you. Well done!


8. “Winter Wonderland” - Darlene Love

I can't stand the way all of the W's enhance her shrill delivery on this one. But I suppose she had no choice in how she sang since Phil Spector was probably poking a gun in her ribs at the time.


7. Run Rudolph Run - Chuck Berry

More of a warning than an actual song. Run, Rudolph, or Chuck Berry will pee on your face and then refuse to kiss you because you smell like piss. And don't even ask what he's having for breakfast. Just run!


6. “Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)” - U2

Bono yelps away like a wounded moose who's pushing for a Nobel Peace Prize nomination in an attempt to sound soulful on this remake of another crapfest originally from the Phil Spector Christmas Album. She's not coming home until you stop singing, Ghandi.


5. “Jingle Bell Rock” - Bobby Helms

Shut up, Bobby Helms. Go dance and prance all over someone else's square. Jingle bell time is a swell time to deafen yourself with knitting needles. Oh, the glorious silence!


4. “Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree” - Brenda Lee

Maybe I don't get this song because I'm not autistic. This is the only possible reason I can think of for all of this rockin'. Uh oh...Farted...


3. “Do They Know It's Christmas Time” - Band Aid

You know, St. Bob, the reason they don't know it's Christmas Time at all is because they're African. At best they celebrate Kwanza. Many Africans are actually Animists. Christmas rarely enters into the thinking of the average African, starving or not.
The video is good for playing Spot The Has-Been, though.


2. “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town” - Bruce Springsteen

Oh lord, do I hate this song. As the first bars of the piano/jingle bell thing hits my ear holes, my hand instinctively flies to the scan button on the radio. Maybe it's just from having to hear this crap over and over again in high school. My skin crawls just thinking about Bruce howling “Saaaaaaaantaclausiscoming to town. Saaaaaaaaantaclausiscomingtotown.” Plus, nobody needs saxophone on any song, much less a Christmas song.


1. “(Simply Having) A Wonderful Christmastime” - Paul McCartney

I'm not sure that I can express in words how awful this song is. From the inane lyrics to the incredibly annoying synthesizer lines, there is just nothing good about this song. On it's release it was an obvious sign of the precipitous decline of Macca's talent, a precursor to “Say, Say, Say,” (which, frankly sounds like fucking Radiohead compared to the above,) if you will. And yet, it manages to get into my head and stay there for days on end, pushing out any and all other thoughts until I feel like some robot who's only objective is to KILL PAUL MCCARTNEY.

Whew. Ok, I gotta go shoot up or something now...


]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/ornith.asp?id=7077 The One With Ross' New Girlfriend
The One With The Breast Milk
The One Where Ross Finds Out
The One With The Metaphorical Tunnel
The One With Phoebe's Uterus]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/ornith.asp?id=7074 Quickly, as The Man is watching me at work:
I don't think that any of my posts have been underappreciated. Frankly, I'm always surprised by the amount of responses I get. Robots is good people.
Growing up as the only child of a young single mother, I'm used to not getting a lot of attention. My sense of self has always been as a burden to others. I was always dragged along to places I really should not have been if my mom could have afforded a baby sitter. Just try to be quiet and stay out of the way.
It's odd, I guess, that the entries where I admit to weakness seem to get the most responses. I always mean to go funny, but end up melancholy. But we are all weak in one way or another and other people are there to fill up those weak spots. Emotional Bondo.
]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/ornith.asp?id=7014 Well, I can only remember like 6 movies that I definitely saw while in college. I did not necessarily like them all, but here they are.

Desert Hearts Don't remember much about this movie except that there was a desert and a fairly explicit lesbian sex scene in it. I went to this on my first college date with this guy that I had had a huge crush on all semester. Oh, and his bandmate who decided to come along. This was possibly the worst date I ever went on. We did not go out again.

Betty Blue Everybody remembers this one, I see. I remember thinking that if sex was as good as it looked in that first scene, I definitely wanted in on that action. This turned out to be more difficult than I had imagined it to be.

Stranger Than Paradise Jim Jarmusch had me hooked from the beginning. Sad and subtly hilarious at the same time.

Blue Velvet I snuck into a friend's film class at a whole different college to see this one. I think it's Lynch's best.

Battleship Potemkin For some reason, I saw this early Russian (?) film in a British Literature class.

Say Anything Lloyd Dobler was and still is the template by which I measure all of my boyfriends. I wonder if Cameron Crowe will ever make a sequel where, despite their devotion to each other, Lloyd and Diane Court end up splitting up because they were just too damn young.

]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/ornith.asp?id=7000 Sometimes I am not
the best communicator.
I often feel like making my entire point
is an imposition on people
and my sentences end up trailing off into the ether,
the important parts left unsaid...

You know..?]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/ornith.asp?id=6998 nope]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/ornith.asp?id=6962 No, you have not accidentally stumbled upon the wrong blog.
I can't be snarky these days. I am an exposed nerve. I am a bloody pulp of a meatloaf. I've been ridden hard and put away wet. I am 80% id and 20% ego. I am needier than the neediest needer. I just want someone to take me up in their arms and tell me that everything is ok, that I've made the right choices and done the right things, that things happen for a reason, all of the clichés. Am I worthy of love? Can I give enough of it? Can I receive it with the proper appreciation? Does loss beget gain? Or is life just loss after loss? Mostly I want to know that I'll be alright. Happy, even.
Is there a place that provides this service? Can I get a gift certificate for that?
]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/ornith.asp?id=6676

We had to put Phil to sleep last night. She had had an untreatable carcinoma which finally got the better of her. It was extrememly sad. Erik will have more later on Phil, but I think it's safe to say that she was possibly the most beloved cat on earth. Even people who didn't like cats loved Phil, and people who loved cats loved her fiercely. Bye bye, Blumpus.]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/ornith.asp?id=6597 Ok, I'm still too busy and scattered to make any sense out of anything with any pretense towards being a "piece." So I will inflict my randomness on you, if you will be so kind, dear reader.

I have taken my car in to be fixed 6 times in the last two weeks and spent $1,200.00 of my (and 3pk's - thanks, dude,) money and it is still not fixed. Whenever I bring the car back, they get all defensive and treat me like all this is somehow MY fault. I'm not the one fixing the car here, guys. Luckily, I guess, as lot of the work they're doing is still under warranty, but jeez, just fix it right the first time.

I've been getting that restless feeling that I always get at the end of August when the weather begins to turn cool and dry. I think it must have to do with being a kid and getting excited about going back to school, thinking that this was going to be the year where everything was going to work out great, I'd get straight A's and be the most popular girl in school because somehow, everyone else would be granted with the ability to see my inner awesomeness. This would certainly not happen through, I don't know, actually talking to anyone at school, god forbid. Those fuckers were scary.

And finally, some bad slogans that I've come across recently (ok, one not so recently,)

New York Health And Racquet Club: "Think Less Feel Better" - Way to dispel the idea that athletic people are stupid.

Andale Mexican Restaurant: "So authentic you can't drink the water." - Why not just, "come eat our food and get diarrhea?"

The (not) defunct North Carolina Hurricane hockey team: "Come Watch The Hurricane Blow!" - Ahem.

Boch.com used cars: "Come on Line" - Ew.

Ok, sorry. I promise to do better next time.
]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/ornith.asp?id=6480 God help me. Trying on bikinis at H&M is not for the faint-hearted. I think it's time to surrender to time anyway and go for the one piece from now on. Or maybe a scuba suit.

Have had no time for writing or even straight thinking in the last month or so. Workwork, drivedrive, work , drive, work, drive. So I'm not making much sense here, is what I'm saying. Heck, I don't think I've ever even read a Cathy comic. All I know is she HATES trying on bathing suits. And who doesn't, gals?! Am I right? Oh, just kill me.

But Shumai is going on tour starting Friday, so, woo, no workwork, just drivedrive.

Brain still not working, though.

Sorry for the interruption.]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/ornith.asp?id=6258 Ok, no God damn death dedications after coming out of a god damn uptempo number, I'll just get on with it and save the actual writing for another day when I'm not so busy and so sick. Let me just point out that it was really hard to narrow this down to just 20. In no particular order:

Yo La Tengo - Electr-O-Pura
Belle and Sebastian - If You're Feeling Sinister
Elliott Smith - XO
Teenage Fanclub - Bandwagonesque
Small Factory - I Do Not Love You
Magnetic Fields - 69 Love Songs
Liz Phair - Exile In Guyville
Galaxie 500 - On Fire
Dinosaur Jr. - You're Living All Over Me
Uncle Tupelo - Live tape made at a show at Charlie's Tap Jan. 1991. During the set, Jeff Tweedy got up to go to the bathroom by announcing "I'm gonna go launch a SCUD."
Big Black - The Hammer Party
Pixies - Surfer Rosa
Sonic Youth - Sister
The Smiths - The Queen Is Dead
Guided By Voices - Bee Thousand
Pavement - Slanted & Enchanted
Matthew Sweet - Girlfriend
The Shins - Chutes Too Narrow
The Vaselines - The Way Of The Vaselines - A Complete History
The Replacements - Tim]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/ornith.asp?id=6130 Just some random stuff:

I have now caught the older Russian woman who works near my office listening to the Benny Hill theme four times in the last couple of weeks.

It is 64 degrees in my office. My hands are so cold I can barely type.

Yesterday I was having a really bad day until, as I was sitting on the subway, I noticed that the already annoying man who was standing in front of me wearing a "Mexico!" t-shirt and a fanny pack was sporting a half-master. This set me into a fit of inward giggles. I'm assuming it was brought on by the woman who, since the train was packed, was unfortunately pressed up against him. At first he tried to somehow jiggle it down by sort of shimmying around. This did not help at all, I can assure you (ahem.) Then, for some unknown reason, possibly because he is a perv, he tried to strike up a conversation with her! The poor woman was not taking the bait, thankfully. Stop after stop, the damn thing just would not go away. Finally, he got the bright idea to put his newspaper over it, but then he kept reaching up and scratching his nose with the newspaper hand. Finally, it was my stop. As I was making my way to the door, I heard him trying to make conversation with her again. Dude, just because some woman inadvertently sets off your uncontrollable wand of enchantment does not mean that she's interested in you.
]]>