from happyrobot - updated 6/9/2026 8:49:58 AM https://www.happyrobot.net/words/dog_years.asp en-us https://www.happyrobot.net/words/dog_years.asp?id=10077 "It's a basic canoe", I said. "It's stable, balanced, but hold the gunwales when you move around."
"We'll eat snakes and drink Kool-Aid", you said. "If you mix the grape and the lemon aid it makes Purplesaurus Rex."
I'm the only one who remembers that, I thought.

We pushed off, soaking our bags with the water that dripped from our paddles as we switched our strokes from one side of the canoe to the other.

"We'll get married in September", I heard you say, softly.

When I think of you and me, it's like I've walked into a movie late. The only character I recognize is you.
The paddles hit the sides of the canoe like flat palms on drum skins. I imagined fish scattering as the sound made lines in the water.

"We'll write our names in my Daddy's Bible", you said. "I'll be the Misrus to your Mister".
There aren't words in that book to make what we are right, I thought. And I grew sleepy as we moved our paddles in the water, tiny whirlpools born out of the motion.
]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/dog_years.asp?id=9899 "Either you own it, or it owns you". --Ernest Joseph Darden
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Every time I smell dog poop, I don’t remember the 45 minutes I spent digging it out of the tread of my Nike Air Force low tops with a sharp pine tree twig. I remember realizing what it must feel like when one is marooned by a belligerent crew. There is no seat on the school bus far enough away from scorn when you have poo on your shoe.
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Shower radios
Jewish knuckleballers
The word “tatonka”
Fruit cups with no sugar added
DJ Spinderella
The Happy Days episode when Fonzie had to reassemble his motorcycle without his eyesight.
Large forks
Any color of kickball other than red.
Doc Marten shoes
The car name “Kharmen Ghia”
Two-headed black snakes
Sinbad movies
Richard Chamberlain dressed as a priest
Cheese
Infants with pierced ears
Board games involving play money
The country name “Uruguay”
Female lifeguards
Sneezing
]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/dog_years.asp?id=9882 Ten First Words Heard Upon Emerging from My Time Machine (That Was made out of a 2003 Ford Focus, a Yamaha Four-Track, and a Gateway Computer)

1. “Ok, let’s see that’s one pair of finger nail clippers, one bag of Ricola lemon cough drops, one US magazine, and a box of Celestial Seasonings Hemlock Zinger.”—Harris Teeter, Athens, 399 BC.

2. “So, I guess you all better put your knifey thingies on the end of your gun tubes.”—Little Round Top, Gettysburg, July 2nd 1863.

3. “Here are your grade point averages. Mr. Kroger: two C's, two D's and an F. That's a 1.2. Congratulations, Kroger. You're at the top of the Delta pledge class. Mr. Dorfman? 0.2... Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son. Mr.Bush, president of Delta house? 1.6; four C's and an F. A fine example you set! Daniel Simpson Day... HAS no grade point average. All courses incomplete. Mr. Blu... MR.BLUTARKSY... ZERO POINT ZERO.”--- Yale University, New Haven Connecticut, 1968.

4. “Yes ma’am, could you tell me what your specials are today?”—Woolworth’s, Greensboro, February 1st 1960.

5. “SHULTZ!!!!!!”—German POW Camp, Bad Camberg Germany, 1945

6. “Jim, maybe it’s me, but I don’t think it’s healthy for your cat to eat so much lasagna.” –Marion Indiana, June 1st 1978

7. “Put ‘em in the cell next to Ol’ Awful Knofel.”—Butte Police Department, Butte, Montana 1956.

8. “Hey guys, this dude just handed me a bunch of brown acid…for FREE!” Bethel, NY August 15th, 1969

9. “So, what’s your address so I can pay you for the Wilco tickets?”—Apex, NC 2008

10. “Follow Me”. Sea of Galilee, 33AD

]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/dog_years.asp?id=9863 I used to believe I’d be famous.
I used to believe in adulthood.
I used to believe in Canada Dry ginger ale and Zero candy bars.
I used to believe in the North Carolina State Highway Patrol.
I used to believe I’d be known for creating.
I used to believe in weathermen.
I used to believe that a five hour bike ride, some herb, and breakfast for dinner were the way to end the day.
I used to believe finding problems was better than fixing problems.
I used to believe in speaking my mind.
I used to believe in built to last.
I used to believe sunsets were prettier than sunrises.
I used to believe that my Dad was Sheriff Andy Taylor.
I used to believe you could argue about God and win.
I used to believe that I was better than you are.
I used to believe you are better than I am.
I used to believe I’d find Christ in the pages of a theology book.
I used to believe in coincidence.
I used to believe the metal Radio Flyers were the best.
I used to believe that peace was between two people.
I used to believe doubt was bad.
I used to believe in Ms. Lonelyhearts, Creedence Clearwater Revival, and Billy Bob Thornton.
I used to believe in Ernest Hemingway.


I used to believe in me…..

…..now I believe in you.
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1. It was my cousin’s---seven adults in the trunk all the way from Syria and priced to move!
2. If you can find the missing finger under the rear seat, it has a wedding ring on it.
3. You heard the Johnny Cash song “One Piece at a Time”? THIS IS THAT CAR!
4. The Stig from Top Gear drove this car!
5. 1, 450, 452 original miles! This car is desired greatly in Cuba!
6. You buy this car; I throw in a free bottle of Obsession and a Redd Foxx album.
7. You’ve heard of a Corvair? Really? Could you write down what you know about them before you buy it?
8. John John Kennedy made love in the back seat of most of the Camry’s in this country, but this one has photographs for proof!
9. We can mount the RPG carrier or you can—either way…what can be wrong with a moon roof?
10. Original paint? I can’t guarantee that….but I do know for a fact this car has only been on fire four times.

]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/dog_years.asp?id=8891 Now that our infrastructure's climbing rope is fraying against the cliff and the expiration date on our jug of natural resources is almost due, I have decided to recommend a return to selective collectives. Small bands of roving, aboriginals once roamed the earth, gathering and hunting their sustenance without socio-economic or class structures inhibiting their quest for survival. Harsh, often unfair governing prevailed. Those out of accordance with the tribe were removed, and exposed to probable harm inflicted by opposing tribes.
I'm sick of millions and millions circumventing their representation and focusing on a single governing individual, who seems to set the flavor, tone, and volume for our shaken, never stirred "single voice".
We are a country of individuals, forced to forget the hopes and dreams instilled in us by our spider monkey ancestors and compelled to reduce ourselves in the shadow of a single dream, a single self.
No more!
I am for the tribe! Disband this grand facade! Unite under rural government in groups of six to eight!
If that don't work for you, I think Rudy Giuliani is going to win.]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/dog_years.asp?id=8789 1. Courteous wait staff
2. Anonymous sex
3. Waxing, rather than shaving
4. More leg room than Camry, enough trunk space for all of Herschel's Bibles.
5. Dangerous women in low cut prison jumpsuits
6. More absorbency than similar internet urine traps.
7. Most of us lived in Guilford Hall
8. John Ball's Truth in Pornography Campaign
9. This is the true story, of seven strangers, picked to live in a house, work together, and have their lives taped, to find out what happens when people stop being polite, and start getting real.
10. My galvanizing, artful posts bring credibility to an otherwise boring medium (and I chose to make it happen here).
]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/dog_years.asp?id=8686 April and I love yard sales, flea markets, and estate sales. It's actually one of the only things we have in common. Well, that and a deep love for me.
Anyway, back in ‘02 when April was pregnant we were yard-sailing around Raleigh and stopped at this neat old bungalow near 5 Points. Ape was into some folk art paintings that were leaning against an old bed frame, so I meandered off towards the books.
We were having a tough time with baby names and with April due in early May (she was two weeks early) we were really feeling the pressure.
So, I'm sitting on the grass next to a pile of books that were stacked on a comforter and I pick up this baby book from the early 90's. I thumb through it...now we know we are having a girl, but I'm still curious about the boy names. I liked Malcolm and Duncan. And it's no secret I want to name my son after my dad. But, I relented and then went straight to the girl names. Now we had baby name books out the ying-yang, but nothing leapt out at us.
Today, however, I went to the back of the book to the names of “unknown origin”, names with little or no history or definition. I found “Ava”. The definition was “little bird” and the origin was “possibly Germanic”.
Wow, I thought. April's dad loves birds. And “Ava” sounded good with my last name, which isn't easy. Besides, it sounded like an old lady name and I dug that I'd only heard of Ava Gardner. Ava Darden...Ava Gardner....sure, it fits. April loved it. I loved it.
Boom. Set.
This morning a friend emailed me a list of top baby names from 2006. “Ava” was number five. I googled baby names and learned that it's projected to be the number one name this year.
This made me angry. If you know my kid, you know that she is one of a kind. All kid's are really. But I wanted her to have a special name, to stand out. Thankfully, her name doesn't actually determine this. The thought, oh the thought of all the country music (Faith Hill) and Reese Witherspoon fans that made the name “Ava” so bloody popular still irks me though. Both of them named their daughters Ava the year prior to my daughter's birth.
My name is Jason and there were tons of us in the seventies. I grew up in three that followed me around from class to class from kindergarten to high school. Each one of us was our own person. None were confused with one another. This should be my reassurance that the name we chose for my daughter won't define her; won't lump her in with the (apparently) vast army of “Ava's” being turned out over the past five years.
People will know her for who she is, not what she's called (this is the self-assurance part of my diatribe).
But, knowing this won't keep shivers from my spine every time I hear “Ava!” screamed across a playground and five kids look up like anxious ground hogs.
So, to the expectant mothers of the world (and most specifically the metropolitan south east) the quota for “Ava's” is full. Move along, move along.


]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/dog_years.asp?id=8488 What was beautiful about West Virginia in 1979 was that when Mom sent me out onto the back porch to call the cats in for the night, I'd see things. I'd like for those things to come back. I liked the sight of movement in the dark. You dread getting used to the wind moving the trees across the face of a mountain like a girl shaking out a quilt at the clothesline. It's something you only want to see once and again. I think one more time would be fine. But, then, in my core, I know once more wouldn't ever be enough.
Try to fight the small movement your body makes when your heart beats. Hold your arms so still that the small sensation of your pulse feels like a violent palsy. I've made my body like that, watching things in the purple night. Perched on a step, clenched, bringing some blur into focus.
I mean a movement beyond creatures and plants. It was time I saw. Time moved at night. I saw it sometimes as a elderly woman with a hen and an axe, sometimes a preacher with muddy boots hung in the stirrups of his horse. I've stopped breathing at the sight of a fly rod bending. I've seen a woman's face look through a fogged window on to the next mountain.
Then my eyes would relax and the details would emerge, outlines would form, and through the woods, I'd see Loomis Anderson, in his bathrobe and slippers, false casting his fly rod in the gravel road. And later, I'd see the Andersons making love in the hot tub he made from the ribs and hoops of old barrels....her face looking away, to the next mountain.
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]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/dog_years.asp?id=8151
Encourage me with your beard, Paul of Tarsus, your crown uncovered and bare.

Encourage me with your beard, General Stonewall Jackson, one hand raised for balance.

Encourage me with your beard, Walt Whitman, I've touched the brick steps of your home in Brooklyn.

Encourage me with your beard, Randall Jarrell, you've fooled me with your knowing smile.]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/dog_years.asp?id=8127 I was talking to The Willhelm today about the mountains and fall and what happens when the Blues go horribly wrong and how poo humor fixes everything....then I remembered something that happened Sunday afternoon that was incredible....

The sunlight was filtering through the changing leaves and projecting onto the pages of the book I was reading. When the wind blew through the tops of the trees the light flickered like the flames of a fire. Considering what I was reading, the whole display was notably moving.

]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/dog_years.asp?id=8125
If you can forgive Ezra Pound for his political convictions and his anti-semitism (which almost negates the divinity of the poem below) enjoy this poem. I found it and thought many of you would appreciate it.



Ballad of the Goodly Fere

Simon Zelotes speaking after the Crucifixion.


Ha' we lost the goodliest fere o' all
For the priests and the gallows tree?
Aye lover he was of brawny men,
O' ships and the open sea.

When they came wi' a host to take Our Man
His smile was good to see,
"First let these go!" quo' our Goodly Fere,
"Or I'll see ye damned," says he.

Aye he sent us out through the crossed high spears
And the scorn of his laugh rang free,
"Why took ye not me when I walked about
Alone in the town?" says he.

Oh we drank his "Hale" in the good red wine
When we last made company,
No capon priest was the Goodly Fere
But a man o' men was he.

I ha' seen him drive a hundred men
Wi' a bundle o' cords swung free,
That they took the high and holy house
For their pawn and treasury.

They'll no' get him a' in a book I think
Though they write it cunningly;
No mouse of the scrolls was the Goodly Fere
But aye loved the open sea.

If they think they ha' snared our Goodly Fere
They are fools to the last degree.
"I'll go to the feast," quo' our Goodly Fere,
"Though I go to the gallows tree."

"Ye ha' seen me heal the lame and blind,
And wake the dead," says he,
"Ye shall see one thing to master all:
'Tis how a brave man dies on the tree."

A son of God was the Goodly Fere
That bade us his brothers be.
I ha' seen him cow a thousand men.
I have seen him upon the tree.

He cried no cry when they drave the nails
And the blood gushed hot and free,
The hounds of the crimson sky gave tongue
But never a cry cried he.

I ha' seen him cow a thousand men
On the hills o' Galilee,
They whined as he walked out calm between,
Wi' his eyes like the grey o' the sea,

Like the sea that brooks no voyaging
With the winds unleashed and free,
Like the sea that he cowed at Genseret
Wi' twey words spoke' suddently.

A master of men was the Goodly Fere,
A mate of the wind and sea,
If they think they ha' slain our Goodly Fere
They are fools eternally.

I ha' seen him eat o' the honey-comb
Sin' they nailed him to the tree.



Fere=Mate, Companion.]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/dog_years.asp?id=8095
]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/dog_years.asp?id=8087 Ooooh, mow mow]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/dog_years.asp?id=8012 My brother Joel is getting married at the end of September. So, wanting to avoid the waste of money and morals that is the strip-mall strip club, we are doing a road trip next week. Labor Day weekend.
New York City is the destination.
We are staying with Alec.
The plan is to drive all night Thursday night into Friday morning, arriving at 6 a.m. at Rich's pad where I will immediately consume one liter of Spanish whiskey.

If you care to know, I'll be the fat one wearing overalls and hunting boots.

Two questions:
Are there any trout streams in Central Park?
and
Can anyone land me Maury tickets?
]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/dog_years.asp?id=7946 I have been following the Tour de France for nigh on twenty years. Watched Lemond snatch victory in 89, endured the Tour de Lance years, but I have never seen such an absolute ass kicking as the one Floyd Landis threw on the race today.
Yesterday he shut down and lost ten minutes. Today he made most of that time up and reentered the race...all by attacking alone, catching an early breakaway of eleven that had six minutes advantage on the group, riding through them, and soloing to the finish--over five mountains.
It's like being down six games in the Stanley Cup, inventing a time machine, going back in time and killing the best players with your teeth and a rubber hammer, and then winning game seven with a team comprised of you, a handless chimp, and a robot named Frito.


Oh, and it's good to see y'all again.]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/dog_years.asp?id=7868 I have tickets for game seven.
So, who will it be? Edmonton or Carolina?]]>