from happyrobot - updated 6/9/2026 1:08:32 AM https://www.happyrobot.net/words/gethishat.asp en-us https://www.happyrobot.net/words/gethishat.asp?id=1930 I'm kind of all set with people making phone calls while on the toilet. The line has to be drawn. I had a roommate who used to do that actually. She would grab our cordless phone, call up her sister, start bullshitting, and then eventually wandered into the bathroom with the door slamming in her wake. I don't really like people talking to me when I'm on a job and I sure as hell am not going to call a buddy in the middle of "me time". The men's room at work is kind of the worst because I've heard multiple conversations in there at once. Like I'm in a row of phone booths in Grand Central Station. There's really no call for it. I was just in there earlier today and heard one side of an impassioned conversation, "Uh-huh, okay, that's unbelievable...right...okay. Well it was great talking to you." Then came the flush. As far as I'm concerned you should only be bringing three things into the bathroom with you (besides an bottomless lust for life) and they are: a newspaper, a book, and a sandwich (depending on the job).]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/gethishat.asp?id=1926 I'm not exactly sure why Matt Johnson thought that the second poetry slam question came from me. I mean, sure I went to some poetry slams in my day; but only to drink beer and kick ass!]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/gethishat.asp?id=1925 Last night on my way home from the Crap Factory I made a brief stop at the bakery across the street from my 1 bedroom compund; I wanted to pick up some bread and a cookie, because it had been that kind of day. As I was paying I noticed there was this little kid sitting alone at one of the tables with what appeared to be a bottle of Batman shampoo. The cap to the bottle was in the shape of Gotham City's most famous son. The little kid was repeatedly slamming the bottle on the table shrieking, "I am Superman, I am Superman, I am Superman," over and over. He was having so much fun I didn't bother correcting him.]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/gethishat.asp?id=1904 Going to The Chip Shop in Brooklyn this weekend and talking with my friend Jon about the fried Twinkie got me thinking about an idea I've been kicking around for a different take of the fondue restaurant. Perhaps a restaurant with Fry-Daddy's at every table where raw poultry and fish is brought to your table, you batter them shits up, drop it in the basket and play the waiting game for 8-10 minutes. I think it would go over.]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/gethishat.asp?id=1902 Houseguests are great, but sometimes it's really nice to have your place to yourself again.]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/gethishat.asp?id=1901 Last week I got a very bad haircut which is just starting to heal. I opted to go to a place in my neighborhood based on the recommendation of a friend, whose hair looks just fine to me. I'm really not sure this barber knew what he was doing, as sometimes it seemed that he was just snipping at the air to create the illusion that he was cutting more hair than he actually was. It reached a certain point where I was just creeped out and wanted to get out of there ASAP, it just didn't matter what my head looked like. The end result is that I wound up with a bit of a fade style and considering the route my hair is going these days less is certainly not more. Oh yeah and the weirdest part of this whole experience was that I sort of got a shoulder massage out of this whole thing. It wasn't a "happy ending" sort of massage, just sort of an awkward massage from your barber type of thing. He hand some thing that he slipped his fingers into and switched it on and it started vibrating. Has anyone else experienced something like this at the barber? The truth of the matter was I was having a crappy week and this might have been the high point of it. Then he slapped some cologne on the back of my reddened neck and sent me out the door reeking like some sort of 50's suburban dad.]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/gethishat.asp?id=1849 I can't believe the last thing I wrote about was the kid with the hot dog gun. Sorry about that. School is out for summer and I am trying to do more with my time than work and TV. My friend Krista sent me a Slate article today about that new Neil Young biography called "Shakey" I think. Apparently, Mr. Young sometimes hires fans of his to become part of his inner sanctum. I don't know that I'm as obsessive a Neil Young fan as Krista seems to think I am, but if Neil Young calls then I would like to think I would step up to the plate. I mean, I'm sure Neil Young needs someone to build Excel spreadsheets for him all the time, I could be that person! I can only imagine what sort of arcane filing system he has for his flannel shirts, again I could straighten all that out for him. I know it's a long shot and the grass is always greener but for me to not at least consider this option would be foolish at best. How do I know I could work for Neil Young? Well just look at my top three criteria for an ideal boss:
1. Canadian
2. Big-assed sideburns
3. A voice like an angel
What's not to like?]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/gethishat.asp?id=1519 I should mention two things: the kids with the hot dog gun was something that happens at every game. I didn't want anyone to think it was some sort of f-----d up random Philadelphia thing. It was a promotional thing for some brand of hot dog whose name escapes me and even if it didn't I would not mention the brand name as I don't shill for the Hot Dog Council. Also when I wrote the previous posting every time I went to type the word dog I typed God by mistake (I did it just now). That strikes me as funny....hot god....I like the sound of that.]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/gethishat.asp?id=1518 Hi, so sorry for the lack of words and what have you. They tell me I've been busy lately...so be it. Anyway I just had to tell someone about something I saw this weekend that maybe the rest of the world knows about and I'm just late getting around to witnessing some of the more sublime things in life. Anyway I went down to Philadelphia this past weekend (it was nothing really, they have a train that goes there) to visit my brother. My brother is my "kid" brother, younger than me by about five years, he's in Philadlephia working on his PhD. Anyway, one of the many things we did this weekend was attend a basketball game at Temple University which was a real good time. The game itself was just OK but the scene there was kind of amazing. So here comes the part that just blew me away....during one of the time outs these two kids came out with this cart and another person in a pig costume. From the cart they pulled out what appeared to be a giant hot dog. In fact it was a hot dog shaped hydraulic gun which (are you sitting down) they proceeded to load with hot dogs and fire into the crowd. I have really never seen anything like this. In fact I think I may have drove my brother nuts talking about it, which leads me to believe that the world knows about this and once again I am late hearing the news. Anyway, just wanted to tell someone about the kids shooting hot dogs from the hot dog shaped gun. Also, those hot dogs really moved. One of them came pretty close to us and actually landed in an empty seat two rows behind us. There was a loud slapping sound when the hot dog hit the back of the empty chair, it was pretty cool. My brother told me a couple of weeks ago they accidentally hit a camera man with a hot dog.]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/gethishat.asp?id=1233 So it was a nice weekend. I went up to RI and then yesterday Tony and I decided sort of last minute that we were going to go to the Iggy Pop show at Lupo's in Providence, I am really glad we went. The show was terrific and on the way up I realized I had not seen the man in eleven years (yikes) and I remember feeling old when I saw him then. Anyway it was a pretty amazing crowd: lot's of kids, some people's gray dads, uh...what appeared to be former Stooges groupies, bikers, and a lot of young kids. The highligh of the night were the folks standing around Tony and I. A couple of guys, who I refer to as the over-cautious rabble-rousers, spent a better part of the evening throwing together a plan in the event that they got separated in the mosh pit (one can never be too careful). My personal favorite was the guy standing to our right who asked their friends if they wanted to head to the pit. When no one answered him he asked, "Will someone hold my cellphone while I go to the pit."
It's safe to say we all had a grand time.]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/gethishat.asp?id=1198 Speaking of my friend David. Last weekend he went up to Boston to visit friends and go to Spooky World. I think it was his fourth year in a row. I've never been to Spooky World but I think it might be like a scary version of King Richards Faire, which in itself is pretty damn scary. Then apparently he went to see the new Snoop Dogg movie "Bones". That's when I got really jealous.]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/gethishat.asp?id=1192 So a few weeks back I bought a corduroy blazer, my first. So now I'm "that guy". What happened was I was out looking for a corduroy jacket to wear on long thoughtful strolls through Central Park. I went to the Gap and to be quite honest I felt myself somewhat above what passes for a corduroy jacket there these days. So when I walked over to J Crew I noticed a lack of jackets but they did have blazers. But I couldn't....could I? I could and I did. Returning to work feeling rather pleased with myself I emailed my buddy David and told him I wasn't sure what was up with me lately but I just bought a corduroy blazer at J Crew. He responded minutes later by saying he bought one the week before at Banana Republic. Laugh all you want but I look the bomb in it.]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/gethishat.asp?id=1058 [robot note: lawton has taken a hiatus. we hope he will be back soon. if you see him, hug him for us.]]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/gethishat.asp?id=980 I was just outside folks and I think it’s safe to say that it’s hotter than a proverbial MF out there. I spent a lot of time noting the sweat patterns of others and generally marveling over those who were not breaking a sweat. I saw a lot of funny things out there today but the one thing I’m taking home with me is the fact that any older guy who stands on a street corner in a Superman t-shirt handing out flyers looks “special” in the not so good kind of way one can look “special”. ]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/gethishat.asp?id=978 Do you know what my favorite town name is? I might be spelling it wrong (well then how can it be your favorite John) but the town is called Nanaimo. It's the town on Vancouver Island that the ferry from Vancouver docks in. Oddly enough Vancouver is not on Vancouver Island but the capital Victoria is. I went to Victoria on that same trip and it is a beautiful little town although it reminded me too much of the town I grew up in. I ate some ice cream that day. Some sort of maple concoction. It rained a lot and then we missed the ferry and sat in a bar drinking beer and eating hamburgers and just waiting.]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/gethishat.asp?id=977 It's hot. A little too hot for writing but I'll take a stab at it anyway. Trying to get things done in the evening is a pain in the ass as I am hot,sweaty and drained of my life force (or midichlorians if you will). I sit around at night in front of the air conditioner with a fan to the left of me trying to create a whirlpool of cool...which oddly enough was my nickname in college. I sit there and think about writing and then watch bad TV. It's sad really, I haven't even bought a couch yet. The good news is I finished the sixth and final rewrite of this script that I have been working on for some time. It is good and funny, and it takes a lot for me to say that about my own work. Anyway a friend of mine told me that now I should go find an agent, which I suppose I should do. Just think if I can sell a script then maybe someone will actually pay me to write Wild Things 2. Actually I think my dream writing gig, assuming that The Simpsons is just out of the question and The Kids In The Hall wouldn't have let a Yank like me in their midst, would have been a staff writer on Party of Five, although I suspect that some Canadians had their hand in that as well because it was so goddamn good.]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/gethishat.asp?id=974 So there has been a lot of mumblings the last couple of days over the title of the next pile of leavings from Mr. George Lucas. This was good news to me as some of the anger I initially felt upon watching "The Phantom Stench" was starting to subside. Much like the shark who stopped swimming I found myself sinking to the bottom and now this wonderful news: God bless you Mr Lucas. Here's a bit of free advice, perhaps instead of "Attack of the Clones" you should consider naming your little movie "When Clones Attack!", after all this film is being brought to us by Fox.]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/gethishat.asp?id=950 Right next door to the building I live in there is a little hair salon. Saturday morning I was up and about getting some errands done. As I went outside this old man (the owner of the salon?) was sitting in a chair outside the place. As I came back from my errands the chair was empty but I noticed something I hadn't seen before. His white folding plastic chair was locked to the front of the building with a huge chain. This thing was thick. Maybe he knows something I don't about our neighborhood. Or maybe he was worried about the bad element that's attracted to meat on a stick and street fairs.]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/gethishat.asp?id=949 On Saturday there was a big street fair a few blocks down my street. There are so many street fairs in this town that there is a really good chance one will end up being on your street. I went down and checked it out at one point, it was more of the same. Nothing says pride in one's neighborhood like tube socks and meat on a stick.]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/gethishat.asp?id=948 My friend Tony and I make a lot of mixed tapes for one another. No, I'm not trying to date him! We have been engaged in this friendly exchange for several years now and he always seems to somehow get the better of me although I have the larger record collection. The last one he made was a corker, the theme was on summer vacation. I think that's where he's got me beat: he's actually taking the time to come up with themes. I'll do a theme every now and then or I start of with a theme and then it just turns into a bunch of crap that I happen to be listening to a lot when I'm making the tape. So I'm making him a new one now and I've decided I'm going to make a response to his summer vacation tape, but mine is going to be sort of a soundtrack for a summer movie that doesn't exist. Maybe if I ever make the teen sex comedy that I know is inside me I will use this mixed tape for the soundtrack. I have a few ideas for what's going to go on it. The one thing I know (and don't any of you tell Tony) is that it is going to open with Van Halen's "Dance The Night Away", I mean who wouldn't want to see a summer movie that opened with that. You go throw me all the Jurassic dinosaurs you got and as long as you open with "Dance The Night Away" I'll give you my ten dollars. The way I see it, I don't care who you are: be you man, woman, child, fish or fowl at some point you are going to have to step up to the plate and bow before the glory that is "Diamond" David Lee Roth. Like the man said in Unforgiven, "We all got it coming, kid."]]>