from happyrobot - updated 6/9/2026 12:32:56 AM https://www.happyrobot.net/words/lisasays.asp en-us https://www.happyrobot.net/words/lisasays.asp?id=9891 I have always been afraid of the dark. Now, I'm 35 and I have night-lights plugged in all over my house. I just hate the dark.  I can remember when I was a kid and just pleading to leave the lights on when I went to bed. And should the power go out? Forget it. I'm in a heap of trouble. Scary movies do not help much and I mostly avoid them. A few years ago at a Happyrobot writer's group brouhaha in Raleigh, Tim! reminded me of a horrific movie from the 80s that I evidently repressed until he mentioned it again at that meeting. It's called "Dark Night of the Scarecrow" (I remember the title as "The Scarecrow Stalks at Midnight" which is an even awesomer title if you ask me!) The reason why I was probably allowed to watch it was that it was a made-for-TV-movie but it is quite possibly the scariest movie ever made. Mentally handicapped adult male hanging out with a little girl? Check. Girl gets mauled by dog? Check. Weird postal worker thinks handicap guy mauled her? Check.  Mom makes adult son hide in a scarecrow? Check. Postal guy and his cronies unload multiple firearms into scarecrow? Check.  Dead scarescrow exacts his revenge in various heinous ways. Check!

This is a good write-up which also celebrates the release of this movie on DVD (oh goodie). Another good descript is the Wikipedia entry. Read at your own risk. Watch with the lights on.]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/lisasays.asp?id=9879 I went to school in Buffalo in 1992 and the first dorm meeting with filled with all sorts of warnings and horror stories, all culminating with being raped and murdered all because someone propped open the staircase door. Or left their door unlocked. Or went to the bathroom and didn't tell their roommate. If you didn't do any of those things, you would probably not be raped and murdered. Which is generally a good thing.

When I moved to New York in 1997 I just assumed that a rite of passage was that you would probably at some point get mugged and everyday that you didn't get mugged was just good luck. I remember my Dad being thrilled that my roommate Faith and I lived next door to Al and Aileen because somehow the presence of just one male in our apartment building insured that we would not be raped, murdered or mugged. I didn't have the heart to mention that Al was gayer than the grass was green and weighed about 100 pounds. There was more of a chance of me saving him than vice versa.

One of my illustrious jobs was selling t-shirts for the Mouse when The Lion King was on Broadway. And being that we lived only seven blocks away it never occured to me to take the train home when I got out of work at 11:30 at night. Of course, if I could afford cab fare I wouldn't have "jobs", plural. One dark and lonely night I was very near to my apartment when I heard the slapping of feet on pavement coming from behind me and I thought "This is it. I'm going to get mugged." For a brief second I thought of running ahead but the group was coming too fast and in no time they would've chased me down. Plus, I had on crappy shoes and a Lion King sweatshirt. I took a deep breath. I accepted my fate. And stopped. Whooshing on by me was a gaggle of teens having a grand old Friday night. "Move it, lady", one admonished as he cruised on by me. I laughed and I moved.]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/lisasays.asp?id=9854 Presented in Hi (Tone) Def for One Night Only – The Fantabulous Lisa and The Twigettes Singing All Her Favorites – Soon To Be Your Favorites, Too! One Night Only! Fifty-Six Drink Minimum (For Your Own Good!).

1. Stuck in the Middle With You
2. Copacabana
3. One Night In Bangkok
4. Don’t Go Breaking My Heart (one lucky audience member will join Lisa on stage to be KiKi Dee to her Elton)
5. Jive Talkin’
6. You’re Never Fully Dressed Without a Smile
7. Oops, I Did It Again
8. Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves (Guest Duet with Cher!)
9. These Boots Are Made For Walking
10. Hey Ya!
11. Blame It On the Rain/ It’s Raining Men (Medley Madness!)
]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/lisasays.asp?id=9797 - Two days in a row Ella and I were able to get her gloves on flawlessly. All digits went into their respective digit holders and I wasn’t reduced to a pile of sobs like I usually am when it comes to putting tiny fingers in even tinier gloves.

- Wal-Mart had a “flying-saucer” sled that was $5 AND made in the U.S.A. There was even little sticker saying where it was made (PA), when (12/8/09) and by whom (first shift).

- I didn’t sustain any major bodily injury while showing Ella how to belly-flop on aforementioned sled and cruise down a hill. Okay, it was a slope.

- I didn’t murder the lady in front of me at Target who acted surprised when it was time to pay, then took 12 years to dig her checkbook out of an impossibly large purse and then took another 600 years to write what could only be elaborate hieroglyphics on that check. People – I didn’t kill her!

- Not so much a miracle but just how much I love these Christmas songs: “Christmas” by Blues Traveler, “Let’s All Have A Patrick Swayze Christmas” by Mystery Science 3000 and “We Wish You a Merry Christmas” by The Muppets!

- When Diana Krall came on the iPod singing “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas”, Ella said “Mama, is this you singing?” If she was garnering for a few extra gifts IT WORKED!

- Things Ella has declared Christmas miracle-worthy: that I bought asiago cheese bagels from Panera, that Craig brought home “star wars” (actually, Starburst candy), that we could see our breath in the cold winter air, that I let her watch “The Grinch” for the 64th time, and that Christmas, finally finally finally, is only two days away!
]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/lisasays.asp?id=9789 I’ll be the first to admit what a strange strange tradition it is to take a live pine tree, set it up in your house and hang ornaments on it. There’s a great Wiki entry on the Christmas tree. Gotta love those pagan rituals! I think it’s cool that the lights on a Christmas tree used to be real candles. As I don’t think burning down your house is cool, I stick with lights. I miss using tinsel (since we put our tree outside after the holidays and decorate it for the birds, tinsel is a no-no). I also really really miss the environmentally unfriendly but super fun spray snow foam you could use on your tree. Nothing says “America” like foamy snow in a spray can!

Growing up we would head to a tree farm outside of Syracuse during the summer and choose the tree we would cut down in December. We’d tag it with our name and draw a little map in our heads so we could get to it in a few months. Come December, we’d bundle up, spend hours looking for the tree, cut the sucker down and drag it to our car. This year, Craig, Ella and I headed to a tree farm to cut our own where you could honestly spit and hit a gorgeous tree. There was no real dilemma in which one to choose because they were all perfect. Our biggest issue was getting it to the car and realizing that while the tree would fit in our house, fitting it in the Toyota Matrix was a horse of a different color. Poor Ella got squashed and kept saying “Oh, I wish we didn’t pick this tree!”

When Craig and I got married in 2000 I got a new batch of Christmas ornaments from when he was a kid. One of my favorites is a section of Styrofoam egg carton with “Craig” written on it and a loop of pipe cleaner for hanging on the tree. I’m pretty sure this ornament is nearing 34 years old:




Something I petitioned to get rid of almost immediately is Creepy Santa. He wasn’t always called Creepy Santa, as Craig said it was what his family put on the top of the tree when he was a kid. You can’t argue with traditions like that and, therefore, Creepy Santa would be staying (but not on the top of our tree). Creepy Santa scares the bejesus out of me but I have grown to appreciate him, especially since you haven’t quite lived until you’ve heard your preschooler shout with glee “Look! It’s Creepy Santa!!!”:



Of course, the ornaments I have from my childhood are not perfect. There’s one in particular we call The Christmas Basket of Death. When I was 8 or 9 I had the thought to make ornaments for my family. A visit to the craft store with $3 yielded Santa Claus ribbon, tiny baskets, even tinier wooden mice and – what every Christmas is lacking – the tiniest mouse traps, baited with cheese, ready for mouse-free Christmas miracles. “ Twas' The Night Before Christmas” is all true - not a creature was stirring, and, once The Christmas Basket of Death is hung up, not even a mouse:


]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/lisasays.asp?id=9778 Ella wakes up every morning and says "I had a dream that when I woke up, you told me it was Christmas!" and then she waits expectantly for me to tell her, yes, it is Christmas.

I blame Disney for this. (On a side note, ABC Family started a countdown of the "25 Days of Christmas" last Wednesday. LAST Wednesday. Evidently, they meant business days.)

Anyway, to combat her constant questioning, I found an advent calendar to start using December 1. It hangs on the wall and has numbered little pockets. I've read some people get really ambitious and do little gifts everyday until Christmas. I am not one of those people. So, Ella will get a couple candy cane Kisses each day (Have you had these? Candy cane bits in a white chocolate Hershey's Kiss. Yum) and every five days or so I have it together enough to put a note in that day’s pocket that leads her to a gift for that day – new crayons, the cutest Playmobil set that includes Santa and a snowman (only $2.99 at Tar-Jay!) and a gingerbread house kit. I haven’t been gung-ho about making a gingerbread house before this year because, frankly, I think it’s a waste of food. But then I decided that when we’re done admiring it over the holiday, we can remove the candy, paint it with peanut butter, douse it with birdseed and hang it outside for the birdies to enjoy.

I hope the calendar will ease Ella into the season and I hope it’s a new tradition she will enjoy growing up with.

Shopping for Ella is a whole different issue as I generally think all toys on market are crap. Do they even test toys on real kids anymore? Ella will end up with a highly-researched and scrutinized group of books, games and DVDs for Christmas. We’re addicted to Jelly Belly jelly beans and I happened upon a mini-Jelly Belly dispenser that is like an old-fashioned gumball machine - very cool. My Mom will give Ella a gift card to spend as she wishes and I don't have a say in it, so she's not totally deprived of childhood fun. I am still in the market for a few other items – what are your favorite kid’s gifts this year?

As always, the holidays show up too quickly and the next thing we know, it will be tax time. I’ll admit we’ve been listening to holiday music already. And we’re probably going to get our tree next weekend. Who needs turkey, anyway?
]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/lisasays.asp?id=9749 Cabin-ing is a word I made it. It’s when you’ve gone camping once this year and because you’re old you realize that you can’t sleep on the ground anymore and tell your spouse “I love the out of doors but I gotta have four walls and an electrical outlet. And an AeroBed.” Luckily, lots of state parks in Vermont (and other states) have these really cute one room cabins. Make sure you read that right – ONE ROOM, not one bedroom. They’re tiny. You still have to use the shared restrooms but they have lots of windows, an electrical outlet and a little porch for having your morning cuppa on. Plus there’s a fire pit and a picnic table – the whole reason one goes to commune with nature.

We’re trying out different parks to see which we like. This park was great – Gifford Woods near Killington, VT because it was near Killington and Most Adorable New England Town – Woodstock (with the gorgeous Woodstock Inn - I am saving my dollars to one day stay there). Plus, the Appalachian Trail runs right through the park and you can take the trail up to an incredible point – Deer Leap Lookout (I kept calling it Deep Leap). Downside? And it’s a very downside – the whole area is surrounded by main thoroughfares resulting in lots of traffic noise. Lots. Like we’re up on the top of Deep Leap and we can hear trucks downshifting and motorcycles revving. It was a little depressing to be in such beautiful woods and hear so much traffic. Eh.

We couldn’t hear too much in the cabin which was great. It was nice to plug in a light and read all night long. I actually read a book cover to cover in two days sans kid (“This is Where I Leave You” by Jonathan Tropper – read it!) Plus I got wicked fancy and made a bunch of soups the week before and froze them. Each day we headed out, I would throw a soup in my slow cooker and we had delicious soup every night. You can also buy these slow cooker liners and you don’t even need to worry about cleaning out the pot.

We had very little cellphone service and of course, no internet which was nice, except for the time when we were hiking and I was trying to convince Craig that Lou Reed had recently died. It would’ve been nice to look it up and find that it wasn’t true. Sorry, Lou Reed! I love “Dirty Boulevard”! We couldn’t ask anyone on the trail because apparently, New England in the fall is a hot destination for Europeans. The group of German travelers at the top of Deep Leap asked me to take their picture but I’m pretty sure that was the extent of their English, let alone “Is Lou Reed dead?” I was jealous of their trail provisions – a giant, and I meant GIANT – bag of Halloween candy. Really, what’s not to love about our country?

Another great excursion was to the Long Trail Brewery near Woodstock. They have a little self-guided tour and they also have a pub serving really good food – just sandwiches and fries but it hit the spot after a day of hiking. They’re next to a pretty little stream and we ate outside and enjoyed our beer sampler in the crisp, New England autumn weather. In case you were wondering, there actually is a Long Trail – it runs the length of Vermont and is the oldest long-distance trail in the U.S.

And so, we forage on to find our favorite state park!]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/lisasays.asp?id=9733 --I feel like we've had a summer of semi-fall days and now we have real fall. But it has been great weather and the leaves are changing and I like that. Plus, it's apple season. I'll put a ring on it.

--Since turning 35 in August, I seem to have been filling out a more-than-usual amount of survey/questionnaires where I have to place myself in an age group. Being 35 means I'm no longer in the 24-34 group; I've stepped up to the 35-45 group. It hurts, I admit it. Being in the 24-34 group gave the illusion that I'm still a fun, carefree, party girl. The 35-45 group sounds like I have a mortgage, go to bed between 9 and 10pm and eat a salad everyday. And I DO all those things, I just don't like it. Guess I'm not putting a ring on it.

--Things I'm Putting a Ring On Because I Like 'Em:

1. S'Mores Goldfish. Or is it Goldfish S'Mores? Little chocolate and graham goldfish crackers as well as marshmallow goldfish. Fun! Ella eats the marshmallow and graham goldfish and I eat the chocolate ones. It's the prefect snack for us.

2. CamelBak Mini Mule Hydration backpack - I bought this thing at the beginning of the summer and I want to put a ring on it and marry it, I love it so much. It's a kid-sized version of a regular CamelBak which if you don't know, includes a handy water reservoir in their packs. Sometimes they're called "bladders" - ick. I bought mine on eBags.com for about the same price listed on the Amazon link above. Since it's a kid one, you have to let out the straps all the way for it to fit an adult torso which makes it perfect for day hikes and bikes, especially with kids. It holds snacks, bug spray, tissues, keys, cellphone, doesn't get overloaded or heavy plus you have your water supply with you. It will also be great when Ella gets a little older and can carry it herself. It might not seem like it holds a lot of water, but it works for two adults and one preschooler for three to four hours at a time. I have only two issues: the cap to the hydration pak gets a ninja-caliber vacuum on it after you drink from it. I find it very hard to twist open. Also, after each use you should empty any unused water and leave the pak open to air dry otherwise you'll get a nasty plastic-y taste which I've been assured is BPA free. Get a ring and go buy this pack.

3. Mixed Green Salad with Goat Cheese, Pecans and Honey Mustard Vinagrette - Holy cow, this is good! I've mentioned my daily salad above - bet you couldn't guess it was an awesome salad! This is truly an amazing creation. I skip the red pepper flakes in dressing as well as the red pepper in the salad but you can do whatever you want, pussycat. You HAVE to make the pecans (I used chopped vs. whole). I also just buy the "Spring Mix" bag 'o salad. It makes a ton of dressing and a lot pecans so you'll be able to have this salad like 5 times in a row. The only problem? Getting a ring on that frisée!

4. Pomplamousse - I think I've only heard  Beyonce's "Single Ladies" a handful of times but I've been loving this version by Pomplamousse sooooooo much. Maybe it's her Batman tee. Maybe it's the use of a Polaroid Instant Camera for sound effects. I don't know but you can pretty much guess that I want to put a ring on it. I just hope Kanye doesn't show up to interrupt this po....damn.]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/lisasays.asp?id=9725 I used to love the New York State lottery slogan which was (is?) "Hey, you never know." - which is true, you just never know. Problem is, I never play the lottery even though I would very much like to win. I figure - why bother? I'm never going to win and I can spend $2 on some instant gratification like an ice cream cone or peanut butter M&Ms. I should have a better attitude since 10 years ago my Aunt won some money in the NY State lottery and my great Aunt won A LOT of money in the FL lottery. But to me, that just means that the odds are even more against me and thus, I rarely buy tickets.

My Dad buys lottery tickets fairly regularly but he also has what I call his alternate lottery dream which involves him driving to work early in the morning and coming upon a terrible accident which involves a drug deal gone bad. Everyone is dead and there, in the middle of the road, is a bag of money that he calmly grabs and goes on his merry way, moving to town I can't disclose because, hello, shortly after my Dad revealed this dream to us, "No Country For Old Men" came out and good granny, you know how THAT drug-deal-gone-bad-bag-of-money-scenerio went down. After I saw that movie I told my Dad he might want to rethink his alternate lottery money dream and just go the old fashioned route and rob a bank. Or buy an internet company.

I never win anything, really. When I recently bought raffle tickets from my niece I didn't even entertain the notion that I would win the "Bucket of Fun" ($100 value) or the "Restaurant Spree" ($250 worth of gift cards to various restaurants). I just consider that I'm donating money. I like the contests where you have to work to win. I wish I was a 50s housewife writing jingles to win a new washer and dryer - that's my idea of a contest. So recently, I submitted a Web site suggestion to a magazine that we get through our cable service and imagine my surprise when I got an email saying they'd chosen my suggestion and witty quip and I  "won" a brand new iPod nano! Yay me! Do I need another iPod? No. But I was excited as all get-out and now I think I'm pretty cool walking around with my neon green nano. Too bad I couldn't "win" a new job! Or "win" my mortgage getting paid off. But, hey, I guess you never know.
]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/lisasays.asp?id=9704 This is a frivolous post in these hard economic times, but who doesn’t need some frivolity now and then? So, my hair. Since I like to keep my hair fairly short and in some sort of a coif, salons and stylists are on my mind every six weeks. I have really thick hair that without the proper stylist and haircut can wind up looking like a) a wig or b) the hair twin of Javier Bardem in “No Country For Old Men” albeit his female, sane, Caucasian hair twin. For the past 20 years I’ve looked high and low for the salon and stylist that is somehow going to transform my locks into flowing tresses. I’ve only had two long-term stylists in 20 years. One was Juanita in Wilmington who I went to religiously for three years. Juanita told it like it was and once made me promise to never, ever part my hair in the middle ever again. And I never have. She also had a perpetually itchy toe that she underwent acupuncture to cure. It didn’t help. Juanita was also a good hair stylist because she kept up her end of the bargain of entertaining her client with good stories. The other person I saw for an extended amount of time was Elaine in Raleigh. I went to her for six years. She did an awesome job and introduced me to Bumble & Bumble products which I love and scrimp and save up for months to buy. Elaine was also the stylist who let me in on the secret to celebrity hair – products, products, products. She said that when you see celeb hair in a magazine, it has so much product in it that it’s mind-boggling. I last saw Elaine for a farewell haircut in 2007 and my hair as been in precarious hands ever since.

One huge problem is that I’m “only” willing to pay a certain amount to get my hair cut. Right now, that amount is in the pretty reasonable $40 - $50 range (including the tip). If my mother is reading this, her jaw just dropped because yes, that IS a lot of money. But in my experiences, I consistently get bad cuts at the “cheapie” places and this amount seems to be the threshold of where you get into competent stylists.

Where in the hell am I going with this? Here: I got my haircut the other day at a yet another salon. Hi, I’m Lisa, it’s been two months since my last salon. This was a pretty nice upscale salon in West Hartford that uses deliciously overpriced Aveda products. So, I look at their prices online and am surprised to see that a haircut is $33! Crazy, right? I book an appointment, go and get my haircut. Since I get a shorter cut (ear-length) the stylists I go to usually blow-dry it and cut more after it’s dry. I go to pay and am presented with a receipt for a $63 haircut. You seriously could’ve knocked me over with a feather. I almost started to cry right then and there. According to the manager, who was nice when I walked in and snippy when I questioned the online prices, $33 is the price of a haircut. It’s an EXTRA $30 for a blow dry. Has the salon world lost its mind? The only thing I could sputter out was that it wasn’t clear on their web site and I’ve never been to a salon where the charge for blow drying was almost as much as a cut. The next morning after I woke up and washed my hair, I decided I didn’t even like the haircut. Every since then I’ve been clawing my eyes out when I look at my hair. I’m typing this with no eyeballs because I just went to the bathroom and looked at my hair. Now I have no eyeballs AND Javier Bardem hair AND I’m poor.

One solution to this issue would be for me to learn to cut my own hair. But I don’t think that’s possible. So I’ll continue to be at the mercy of hair stylists and salons until I decide to just go with a buzz cut and a bow.
]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/lisasays.asp?id=9663 - Am I the only cold-hearted witch that doesn’t feel sorry for the “victims” of the Madoff fiasco? At some point I read an article in the NY Times that talked about how many people didn’t invest their money with him because they thought it all sounded too good to be true. I’m also not sure that a sentence of 150 years fits the crime. All I know is that keeping my life savings ($250) in a sock under my mattress has worked really well for me and I’m certain will continue to be my best option.

- I’ve been lobbying hard around my house for someone to buy me a convertible for my birthday. I first enlisted Ella in my crusade by saying “Hey, Ella, tell Daddy to buy me a convertible for my birthday!” You know what that little rat fink said? “No. It’s too expensive.” Obviously, Craig was heading me off at the pass. Ella has gotten into the spirit, though. Every time we see a convertible she yells “There’s your car, Mama!” regardless of whether it’s an awesome convertible Mini-Cooper or a 1982 Chrysler LeBaron. Side note: I am not getting a convertible for my birthday, but a girl can dream right? And a girl can put it on her Life List (see below).

- Coming soon to Lisa Says: My Life List, inspired by Mighty Girl who just announced that some of her Life List is being sponsored by Intel. Crazy awesome!

-Craig mentioned that if they turned Neverland Ranch into something like Graceland, he would pay $20 to visit. I’m not sure what’s more disturbing: A) That he thinks it would only cost $20 or B) That he’s thought long and hard about it and yes, yes he would like to visit Neverland Ranch. I responded by saying that I thought all the awesome crap was just sold so what’s the point in visiting it now? I visited Graceland a few years ago and I loved it. And yes, Elvis is alive. He’s kicking it sequined glove-style with Michael Jackson! Hee-heee!

- What are you reading this summer? I'm trying to get my hands on Stieg Larsson's "The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo" trilogy. I also want to read "Sag Harbor" by Colson Whitehead, Sarah Waters' "The Little Stranger" and "Outliers" by Malcolm Gladwell. I love summer reading!]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/lisasays.asp?id=9650 Song: S.O.S
Lyrics: “I told you I made dinner plans/For you and me and no one else”

Comment: Dinner plans? Please. You’re like 11. What - did your mom get a family-sized Stouffer’s lasagna and tell you to invite a few friends over? I'm 35 - I haven't had "dinner plans" since 1998.

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Song: Still in Love With Her

Lyrics: “She was all I ever wanted/She was all I ever needed and more/She walked out my door/Then she went away/Left my heart in two/Left me standing here/Singing all these blues”

Comment: Oh, holy hell. She left you standing where? In the hallway between math and biology class because you guys had been "dating" since lunchtime? "Singing the blues"? Buck up, kiddo. You got a pop quiz in bio, soccer practice after-school and your Moms is gonna take you to Friendly’s to get an awesome clown sundae later on. You’ll get over it – you’re what - like 8 and a half? Please.

--------------------------
Song: Australia

Lyrics: “So I’ll wait for her to come/She won’t break my heart/Cause I know she’ll be from Australia/She is so beautiful/She’s my dream girl”

Comment: I’m sorry – what? This supposed dream girl is from Australia? Is that code for something “down under” – does your Mother know about these lyrics? Plus, you’re like 6, you just learned your phone number yesterday – do you even know where Australia is? Oh, yeah? Show me on the map, twerp.

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Song: Year 3000

Lyrics: "Went out to the backyard to find out /If it was one of those rowdy boys /Stood there with my neighbor called Peter/And a flux capacitor..."

Comment: Okay. I kinda like this song. But “Back to the Future” came out in 1985 which was 97 years before you were born. Just saying.

----------------------
Bonus: I get a kick out of the media calling the fourth, non-band member brother "the bonus Jonas". That's some funny stuff. He's what, like 4? Crazy.]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/lisasays.asp?id=9641 --Today, while Ella and I were outside reading, two bees buzzed by us in a ferocious mortal combat and I noticed something fall into my lap. Yup, it was a bee leg! No wonder they have colony collapse disorder or whatever it's called - they're taking off each other's legs!

--Took Ella to the farmer's market today. It's the cutest thing you've ever seen- little white tents set-up in a tiny yard-szied space. We bought goat cheese, bread, kettle corn and a maple sugar lollipop. Not to be consumed together, of course. Also, strawberries are ready for pickin'. Yay!

--My husband turned 37 this week. That is one old dude.

--I've decided that NBC should do a weekly show about the Obama administration. I'd watch it. I don't even care about the politics. I just want to see all those cool people run around the White House.

--One show that NBC should not do anymore, not ever, never again is "I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here". I watched it for 10 minutes and I actually died a little inside. What the hell is wrong with Spencer and Heidi Pratt? I now know why their last name is, in fact, "prat".

--Ella and I obsessively talk about the baby cows at the farm down the road from us. They are about a year old and while they've gotten much bigger in a year, they've still got that adorable cow fuzziness about them. The other day Ella said that the cow mama said to her kids "You know I love you, son...but you groooooooowed!". Ha! That's kept me going for a week it's so funny.

--What has not kept me going for a week is some sort stomach bug that Craig had and somehow it waited a whole seven days to take me down. I ate lunch on Sunday and then I was at death's door. I only just starting eating some sort of real food today. I'm just pissed that I didn't lose 10 pounds.

--"Weeds" season four is out on DVD - yippee! I have my weekend planned!

]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/lisasays.asp?id=9618 Ella is soon to star in her own sitcom called “Kids Don’t Know” and her “tagline” à la “Wachoo talkin’ about, Willis?” is “Well, kids don’t know!” said every time she’s getting in trouble. It started a couple weeks ago with a well-placed karate chop to Craig’s “bits” and when Craig said “Jeez, Ella, take it easy!” (phrase cleaned-up for this post), Ella replied “Well, kids don’t know!” This immediately resulted in me and Craig making of list of things kids (i.e, Ella) don’t know. Like going to sleep at bedtime. Like not wiping their dirty hands on clothes or furniture. Like not painting their feet. Like picking up their toys. We’ve also extended this to stuff Dads don’t know – doing the laundry, ah-hem – and stuff Moms don’t know which is actually a trick one because MOMS KNOW EVERYTHING.

The funny thing is that kids KNOW. Ella asked me for a pair of Skechers the other day. How does she know Skechers? I had to Google the spelling of Skechers! We also had to download some Jonas Brothers for the iPod because Ella was distraught at just how uncool the nearly 3,000 songs on the iPod are and that we needed some Jonas and fast! And how could I not know that “shirts with straps” (tank-tops) are the ONLY thing to wear this summer?

We continue to have issues with Ella waking in the night due to nightmares or, as was the case at 5 a.m. yesterday, a huge thunderstorm. Since Craig drives 1.5 hours to work each way and has to leave the house at 6 a.m., I am the night-responder which means I sometimes just go in and soothe her or I just crawl into bed with her and go back to sleep. This is not as fun as it sounds and can be quite irritating since I haven’t slept since April 11, 2005 (the day before Ella was born). Yesterday, when I took her stuff upstairs to her classroom while her class was outside, I saw a lesson they were working on about what the kids love about their moms. Ella’s was “I love my mom when she crawls into bed with me” which pretty much put me in my place and reminded me that – hello – I’m the Mom, in case I forgot. It also reminded me that Ella sees things from an entirely different perspective than I do as the old, boring parent.

So, a Happy Mother’s Day weekend to fellow mothers – whether you have kids, pets, books, chickens and things – buy yourself something special and rejoice that you now know everything.
]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/lisasays.asp?id=9601 Ella and I traveled to St. Louis to visit my parents. They moved there in December of 2008 and five months after starting a new job, my dad got laid-off and they are now moving to Minnesota (which makes more sense as that’s where my brother lives). Anyway, our trip to St. Louis was the first, and probably the last, time I’ll ever be there, however pleasant that it was. Our flight there and back was on a small jet, just two seats on one side and one seat on the other. We have lots of plane stories.

- An older couple sat in the seats behind us. The pilot mentioned that the flight would be bumpy so if we needed to use the bathroom, we should all do so (in the bathroom of course, not right in our seats). The woman started in on her hubby immediately after buckling their belts. “Jesus Christ, Gary! I can’t believe you did this to me. This plane is so small. I do not need to be dealing with this, Gary!” She went on: “You always have to cheap out! You couldn’t have checked the plane size before you bought the tickets? Goddammit, Gary!” and then “Jesus! I can’t believe I said yes to this trip. I could be home fishing today.” As Craig said, you can’t write better dialogue. What I loved most about this one-sided conversation (Gary wasn’t even trying to defend himself) is that the wife presumed that somehow your airfare is based on plane size. Also, what a charmer- she could be home fishing today rather than taking a trip. Now, Ella hears language like that at home, but I draw the line at her hearing it from strangers. Just as I was about to mention to the lady that she should pipe down, she totally did pipe down and we didn’t hear from her the rest of the flight. I assumed that she maybe took some sort of sedative. Or, quite possibly, Gary got her in a sleeper hold. Well done, Gary. Well done. What makes this even funnier is that my dad’s name is Gary. So I spent most of my visit saying “Goddammit, Gary! I could be home fishing today!” Heh.


- Airport food is so crappy. Our flights were during lunchtime and you do not want a hungry kid on a small plane. I packed us a little lunch and we enjoyed airplane sodas along with it. I was pleased to see that a handful of others did the same. I do love a Coke on a plane. I think the altitude does something to a can of Coke and just makes it so yummy. Also, it’s like the only place in the world you can get just a can of soda. Everywhere else you have to buy 47oz bottles forcing you to drink 400 calories of high-fructose corn syrup.


- Kudos to Crayola for making Color Explosion coloring books. They occupied Ella on both flights. Also, it doesn’t hurt to load your iPod with episodes of “Olivia” and “Phineas and Ferb”.


- On our way home, Ella peeked into the cockpit of the tiny plane which looked like an awesome Wii video game set-up. The pilot said “Here!” and handed Ella some stick-on pilot wings. They said Continental, but we were flying American. The pilot said “Don’t tell anyone I gave you those – Continental is the only airline that makes them anymore.” I off-handedly said to Ella “Those wings mean you get to fly the plane!” After take-off Ella whispered “When do I get to fly the plane?” My heart broke in about 5700 pieces. “Um – I meant you can fly it when you grow-up.” Good one, Mama.


-Finally, airlines, please, just charge me an extra $15 on my ticket. I don't want to have to go through paying for checked luggage. Aside from the fact that I think it's un-American that you're charging me for luggage anyway, just add it to the airfare. Please. Thank you.
]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/lisasays.asp?id=9594 The kid turned 4 yesterday – 4!! We’re almost getting into vintage years! Having a 4-year-old is nothing like having a baby anymore – she’s a real, little person with likes and dislikes, except like and dislike is a bit too impassionate for a 4-year-old – there’s really only loves and hates. The other day at the playground she was running around with two boys and she said “Let’s play “dance”!” and one boy said “ I hate dancing!” and Ella, with hands on hips, said “You shouldn’t say you hate dancing because I LOVE DANCING!” and then she ran over to me and tattled on them. Priceless. What was even better was that the poor little guys looked like they actually thought they might be in trouble for hating dancing.

It was thrilling to have her birthday on Easter since both just melded into each other. It was a birthday Easter egg hunt and we dyed birthday Easter eggs and there were birthday Easter baskets along with Easter birthday presents. I’m sure it will be hard to explain next year when Easter isn’t on her birthday.

The most oft heard phrase in our house is “Mama, pretend you went to the pet store and bought a special kitty named Sparkles”. Sometimes the names changes to Sprinkles or Cupcake. Ella will lie on the couch and I have to pretend I’m purchasing a kitty and I pick the very best one – Sprinkle, Sparkles, Cupcake – and then I take her home (the kitchen, where Ella thinks I live) and bam, I now own a kitty named Sprinkle or Sparkles or Cupcake. Five minutes after this transaction, I have to do the whole reenactment again because the whole point is that I go to the pet shop and buy a kitty – not that I take it home and hope that it curls up on a sunny spot on the floor and takes a looooong nap. It never takes a nap.

It’s nice to have Ella’s birthday in the spring. She turns a year older and we’re all rejuvenated and ready for the warm weather with lots of plans for camping and hiking and water-sprinkling. And finally, here comes the sun!

Here's to the birthday ladybug. May you have another wonderful year of bossing me around, offering everyone and anyone a dollar in exchange for candy and giving me hugs because I've been a "good girl". You're my favorite and my best!
 
]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/lisasays.asp?id=9546 - When reading an article about “how to save money” or “frugal tips”, for the love of god, do not tell me to “start” packing my lunch. I haven’t bought lunch in 67 years. (If you’ve had lunch with me in the past 67 years and saw me pay for it, please disregard the “67 years” statement.) Saving money by packing a lunch only saves money for those people who are having $20 lunches everyday and that is nobody around here.
- How about Web sites just go ahead and register for their .vom address right along with their .com address because you KNOW I will accidentally type .vom at some point when accessing said site. You know I want www.amazon.com even though I typed www.amazon.vom. Come on, internet. Get your internet ass our of your internet head!
- When I kindly let you in pull in front of me in traffic, it’s your obligation to thank me with a wave AND to keep up your end of the driving bargain which is this: drive well, use your blinker, keep up the pace and generally be a model driver so the people behind me aren’t ticked that I let a crap driver like you in front of all of us.
- Business Web sites that have only one page and a phone number with “contact for more information” written next to it. But I AM contacting you for more information. I’m on your Web site. So, where is the information?
- Continuing pet peevs: litter bugs! It’s 2009, jerks! You can’t throw your fast food garbage out the window of your car! You just can’t! Also, people that leave furniture or mattresses in front of their house but don’t communicate that to their trash service and thus, the items get left outside for 12 years and get wet and moldy and disgusting. There are places you can take those items! If the item is in good condition, you might even consider donating it!
- Joggers. (In their defense, I’ve been jogging but it’s because my dog likes to jog. I hate jogging.)
]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/lisasays.asp?id=9534 --the time my boss gave me a sheet to photocopy and pass out to the department. i was zoning out, as per usual, photocopied it and began to pass out the sheet when i looked at it and realized my boss accidentally gave me a list of everyone's salaries.  luckily, only one person saw it.

--at the same company, the CEO and company owner's name was "robert" and one day he was in from the west coast for a visit and as i passed him in the hallway, i patted him on the shoulder and said "hey, bob, how's it going?!" (random info: he is/was married to the sunny blonde that used to be in the tic-tac commercials)

--number 7A, l'oreal creme excellance medium ash blonde, three days ago. looks okay now.

--the time ella, one year old, fell off a picnic table bench onto a concrete floor, except at the very last second, i stuck my foot out and her head gently landed on my sneaker. i still thank the sparkly stars for that one.

--ernie, black lab/redcoon hound mix (damn you, cute puppy!)

--myself, at the wheel of a vehicle

--myself, on rollerblades (or ice skates or skis or anything of that nature)

--low rise jeans

--any dell computer (namely, mine). actually, just call this one a disaster, period.

--3pm. hungry pre-schooler. no "good" snacks in house. enter: marshmallows.

--this post

]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/lisasays.asp?id=9518 For awhile, it seemed like very Thursday it rained in the city. I know it was always a Thursday because I walked to my part-time job at the Lion King theatre and I always worked Thursday nights. And it was always raining.

Rain in the city is a bummer- there’s no escaping it and for the most part, an umbrella does very little good. You really need hip waders and a big floppy hat. Once, I wore some new velvety Gap pants to work – I loved those pants. About half way to work, it just started pouring and it wasn't supposed to. Yet, someone turned on a faucet above and New York was almost washed away. It rained sideways. I got to work and was so tired and so soaked and so miserable that I just started crying. One of my managers named David (I called him “Diva David”, with David pronounced as “Da-Veed”) made me feel so much better by giving me a hug, listening to me cry and saying “I’d be so mad if my velvet pants got ruined, too”. There’s nothing like a great gay man to cheer you up.
]]> https://www.happyrobot.net/words/lisasays.asp?id=9504 Back in high school, my friend Erin and I would go to the new mall (Carousel Center, for those keeping track) near our house and luxuriate in the fancy department store there – the now defunct Bonwit Teller. They had fancy gowns and fancy dressing rooms and they didn't seem to care that we weren't shopping to buy. The dressing rooms were as big as our bedrooms and softly lit. It was like being in "Pretty Woman" (without the prostitution part). Around the time of our Senior Ball (way back in May of 1992) we went looking for dresses and just for fun hit Bonwit, of course. And there I found the most perfect dress I had ever seen – in the wrong size. Plus, even on sale, the $70 was a crazy amount of money for me and my parents to spend on a dress (I can't stress enough that $70 was like, impossibly expensive!) Still – I couldn't stop thinking about it and came home to lament to my Mom about that great great great dress. A week later I answered the phone and the woman wanted to leave a message for my Mom. The message was that the Bonwit in Buffalo had the dress and would be sending it to Syracuse for my Mom to pick up. I was so confused when I told my Mom the message because I couldn't wrap my head around what was transpiring. "Oh darn", my Mom said. "I was hoping to get that phone call, not you." So my dearest Mom called all the Bonwit stores looking for that dress and had them ship it to Syracuse so she could surprise me with it. I still tear up thinking of how amazing that was and how much it meant to me.

And on Senior Ball night? Zombies did my hair and make-up:

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