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"You look so beautiful.... I love you."
Narcissi longed to hear those words, but not from the hungry lonely man beside her. She had friend-zoned him in 30 seconds once she knew of the existence of the one she loved. Life - ah life - was such a dastardly trajectory - the constant triangles: she loves him, he loves her, he loves someone else. Change the pronouns. Rinse repeat. Live die.
She arrived home and immediately texted the man she loved incorrectly, and he once again slapped an emoji on the quadruple text. The robot warned her to be silent - to not react. It was fucking hard. She wanted to call him - to whisper sweet everythings in his ear and tell him that she would love him allways.
The cat that wasn't Orangie kept screaming at her window. She had ignored it for five minutes, but on the sixth minute of its incessant yearning, she let it in and screamed at it lightly "what the FUCK do you want! I do NOT want you in this house. Leave me alone."
She opened the back door to let Klio out - shoo her out - and in came Orangie. So now she had two cats in her home when she wanted... oh what the fuck did she want.
Earlier she had tuned her guitar and the song that came out - the lyric that came out was chords she didn't remember the names of anymore, but she thought they were C, Eminor, and G, and D. The day is rainy, and she used all the Illy coffee in her drink and wailed, "why why why won't you love me? why won't you love me? why won't you love me? there's nothing I can do but love you."
It was a tired and very old song, and she knew it very very well.
She thought of texting him so many things: "did you plug in the Christmas decoration I gave you? do you care what I'm doing with my day today? I'm thinking of acting like I have a life. It's going to rain, and I'm going to buy some rum and drink hot buttered rum for the first time in my life and watch unrequited love stories on the criterion channel."
Instead, she sucked it up buttercup and stared at the rainbow crystal and Mexican blanket with a little bit of sand from Florida still dusting it and tried so very very very hard to pretend not to care.
The cats licked their nutritional yeast on weathered paper plates. She thought of what he must be doing - his crossword puzzle, his weird coffee in a clear glass, and contemplating the energy to go to his farmer's market and then later watching the game.
The flowers were raging outside her window, and she thought it was bizarre to have that in December but what did she know? her biggest hope was that the blooms on the Christmas cactus would actually open this year.
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