the Pat FAQ

Do you ever eat dessert?
Almost never.

Do you write to anyone else besides Matt?
Mr. Johnson is the only person I write to consistently. I fully intend to kick him in the balls, and I believe to do so with honor, requires that he is kept up to date on my actions.

Where can I find a decent ball-kicking instructional manual? Keep in mind I'm a 40 something woman, slightly over-weight with three kids and a husband that needs a good ball-kicking!
Unfortunately, there is very little literature pertaining to the art of Ball-kicking. Any self-defense class will teach you the basics, but you can't be taught finesse. I train four times a week using a variety of different martial arts techniques. The beauty of ball-kicking though, is that anyone can do it. But don't miss, because, generally speaking, it really pisses someone off if you try to kick them in the balls.

Are you single? Why or why not?
I'm not single. Because I'm married.

What are you wearing?
Size 10 1/2 steel toe boots.

Where did you grow up?
Newport, Rhode Island, the city by the sea - the 5th Ward.

Have you swam in John Lawton's indoor pool?
I don't think that's any of your business.

What's your new cat like?
My new cat is a wiry little Black and White kitten, who can practically climb walls. I think he's part spider. The other cat hates him - mostly because the new cat likes to chase her tail.

Can you tell me some of your favorite:

-- Foods?
Meatloaf; anything deep fried;

-- TV Shows?
Star Gate SG1; Six feet under; The Sopranos, Farscape; Who's line is it anyway.

-- Books?
FM7-8 (Infantry Rifle Platoon and Squad); Wham, Bam, thank you Wham: The George Michael story; The Dictionary.

-- Songs?
Conjunction Junction; I'm just a bill; Weebles Wobble

-- Movies?
Anything that doesn't star a musician trying to break into acting is fine by me (unless the musician is Sting, or Dwight Yokem, then I make an exception) - and don't call it Star Wars unless it stars Harrison Ford.

I have some cream cheese in the office refrigerator that I brought in several days ago when I was going to have a bagel for lunch. The bagel is gone, but now I'm HUNGRY - what can I put this cream cheese on that would make a tasty mid-morning treat?
You could put it on just about anything. A cracker is nice, but if you have a meatloaf lying around, that's even better.

Were you in Mrs. Parsons-Schumacher's 5th grade homeroom? The reason I ask is that the kid I sat next to liked to kick me in the balls every morning right after we said the Pledge of Allegiance and I thought it might be you. No, I was in Mr. Merciol's 5th grade class. That sucks, but at least he was consistent. There's a lot to be said for consistency and ball kicking when applied properly. Let me ask you this? Did you ever promise this young man something and never deliver?

What is your 'porn name'? (first pet's name + name of street you grew up on)
Sylvester Stockholm

Can I buy your apartment?
Yes, please do. It's lovely, and it's for sale.

I love when you talk about meatloaf. Do you have a favorite recipe to share with your readers?
A man's meatloaf recipe is something he should take his grave, but a few hints about meatloaf; You don't have to get fancy with all kinds of different meats, and celery is not only unnecessary, it just gets in the way.

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