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15 Fridays since I was a fat fickle Frau.
WTF. que faire. usually, I'm the one to give myself the comeuppance. Head like a hole black as your soul, I'd rather die than give you control and all that. I'm the one that re-came to n.cali 15 years ago murdering my heart in a cult. I'm the one that had a long term relationship with only two blokes: both - and I know the word is over-used yet give it to me - narcissists. The one was overt. The other covert. Both always the victim. I could barely separate the two of us.
And me? yes me. I'm only allowed to be really seen in one context by my god and that's when the prisoner gets to come out of the cage by being a seducer. When I can see the "yes!", it's like blood to vamps. attention to aging tramps. with stamps that say "I chose to live when I could have died. x marks the spot".
I'm always judging myself by the quality of my companion - not compassion.
It's been six months and nine days since the nuclear explosion in my boring life. I loved reading the diary I bought myself last xmas of all the random "will this man ever initiate anything - will he ever try". I validated and god knows I love the validation.
You get what you think you deserve. after mark, I obviously thought I deserved trash. I tried awfully hard to be alone and not bother anyone, yet shit. What's the point. There's only so much go to work, come home, numb, repeat a girl can do without wanting the loop to break. the self-feedback loop. Narcissi I often call it.
comparing my spouses and trying to suss my mistake is what I often do these days as I feel so mightily mortally screwed... even today, I'm like 'when I'm old, I'll have to do starvation and die...no one will be there." That makes me cry to imagine it, and I know what's the point, yet I've always been a "what's the point" sort of human.
They were exact opposites. Life of the social circle and vasectomy and chatty Cathy vs. taciturn sanctimonious 'good listener' zero friends father of three via egg donors. And although I was mightily mightily reluctant to seal my saucer with his ship, do it I fucking did. I was so turned on when he had us go to pre-marital couples counseling. And he never talked to me. Never asked me anything. It's like he collected me, stuck the pin in and mounted me and that's awl. sic.
And Grace, I often think there was a dang darn devil in those South Carolina waters on the first day of July. do you know why? it was soooooooooo heavenly fabulous and perfect, and I felt at peace and content and ok for the first time in forever and ever... and that when the poison was getting in my body via jellyfish spores. God it was disgusting, and instead of care, I got kicked. And you think.
what now ole gal? same situation poorer, older, and closer to the ....
god knows what. if I could be so bitchy low and downright complainty instead of the brave lil soldier I often voice in this diatribe meant to scourge me of my poisons. ... .... ...
fuck. May Day. May Day.
but it's like the first narcissist man who hit me upside the head said:
"I learned really early that you can cry all you want and no one cares so suck it up..."
and my latest cat just hissed in the air, and I went there. "for the love of god and all things holy Edith DO NOT give me some expensive vet thing right when I'm getting a tiny bit of money... NO!"
In therapy land, they call it catastrophizing. I'm great at that and avoiding, and hell yah I'll ruminate. and the excruciating torment of living in an expensive dying town and shelving your dream like you'd always suspected you would and having no idea why except that you're scared and you're shook and you've lost all your money and not a friendly face in sight.
Victory told her to start manifesting happy shit. So she'll be closer to base. She'll have allies when the time comes and insert miracle.
And always trust your gut, although when I said that to myself today I said back to my part of myself "well, you did do what your gut said - wait no. you went against it because you were afraid yet here we are kiddo." My gut when I first saw this guy was "architect with tattoo who are you" and then when I found out his last name and he was southern I was like "yes please". my GUT said "you can have the last name at least". The first date I was like, I"ll never see that guy again.
You learn about narcissists that we/they love/bomb. I swear, that man had me kissing him for literally HOURS on public corners. He was like a high school boy, and I knew "this can't be real" but it was intoxicating y'all. This man was an "it's over - you're it". It was only later and that the therapist (she wasn't super ethical) told me that he'd said I love you to someone just a bit earlier. She said "he's only with you because you'll let him be."
ouch.
so much is ouch.
grace, there was devil sperm in those waters I tell you
devil sperm....
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