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she called her mother.
although it often was not the fantasy of comfort she hoped it would be in the insta-script pre-written in her head, she always extolled the ability to speak with a mother who loved her as best she could alive. So many of her pals had lost their mums. It was a gift to be irritated.
and the spouse - keep saying it - the second ex-spouse - gosh golly that's a hard brazenly hard one - sent a package to her parents hours "a huge heavy box and your stepfather has a pacemaker so I had to try and kick it into the garage"
"mother, he said he was sending it in November, so I thought I'd be able to unpack it at xmas and cheaper to ship. there were cargo containers of what I left behind".
she was terrified of that box.
the things she herself had put in boxes to be opened by scorned lovers.
but this man was more of a narcissist rigid-thought (a euphemism for 'on the spectrum' or personality-disordered) guy. He had never operated in the realms she had. She had quite enjoyed that opposite about him.
sigh.
here she goes woo woo astrology (god, did he think she was a daft fallen limerenced idol for even entertaining it in any lasting way...)
he was a taurus.
the grace bf she lost was a taurus.
she lived in a dark hovel away from everyone moved.
rinse repeat
except the prior time it had been Aries. she had been surrounded by Aries and the spouse she had chosen had been a cancer.
Did she ever tell you that every sign like a parent/evolution philosophically tries to make up for the 'perceived shortcomings' in the sign prior - culminating with Picses - the everything.
It's a long way of saying the sign after Taurus is gemini.
gemini's and communication come up all the time.
Andrea was no talker.
he was a silent sanctimonious judger
who had used to have been a
sullen settler
who had prior to that been an
ardent love bomber of broken (what - again! yes, miles Davis - sic - had broken her heart and she was heeding the advice of her sister to 'get under a new one' - the Andrew and Kristen meet morbid.)
narcissi and echo.
different system. different names.
his corporate astrology sign was INTJ
her's was INFJ
You really miss the F sometimes.
in another person.
However, she had appreciated the T to a tee at first.
She had loved his mind and his thought clarity.
He was so very quiet.
When they were wooing - or he was running after her like a once-scorned determined 14-year old in a 48-year old body - he had said to her when she wondered why he never talked.
"I'm a good listener."
that was yet to be determined.
"Shay, I swear to god, I could run a brothel and a coke ring out of my back room and he would either never know or never say anything about it. I was very shut out by it at first and it killed me a bit to never talk to anyone who lives in the house, yet in return I get a sort of privacy and solitude within I guess? I'm going to say it feels like being trusted."
year one was the hardest for her.
so the box terrified her when it got delivered in February.
there was
so
much
she
left
behind....
what could it be, but she was scared of him always.
the bully. the abuser.
the betrayer.
forgiveness is the most sincere form of revenge.
she knew she herself had in the heat of the moment sent many messages in the boxes she had packed for him and left on the front porch.
so much delusion, she'll have a martini.
so, back in the south.
her mom.
"look, narcissi, I can't wait any longer. I'm going to open the box and make a list of what's in it then you can tell me what you want to keep or what..."
her mom was a virgo.
she was terrified and told her mother so.
"look, I'm so sorry he sent the box there. you can just put a blanket over it until I come back. I'm so sorry for all of it. I'm scared of that box. I don't want to know what he thinks of me. I'm not sure I'm strong enough yet to face what someone's last message to me was...what he thought was worthy to pack of all the things."
later
her mom
"well gosh the first thing is a green and gold bowl."
a bowl given to her by Lon the dude that hit her first.
the beat goes on.
"god, he is so weird. the weirdest thing he packed was all your masks. but those two books you were looking for, he didn't pack those...."
she missed seals on wheels and Alexander and the magical mouse...
and the ring.
every every even now
the ring
kills her
but no choice
breathe again.
or don't.
x
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