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I was of course getting over a really interesting man who had been all-in until he met a hotter smarter model in the game. At the time, I was in love with Tinder. It was such an easy platform and felt so safe (they can only contact you if you've swiped 'potentially maybe'). I wasn't enthralled with Andrew because he showed his tattoo right off the bat. He looked disdainful and like Mel Ferrer and Sigmund Freud. Our first date, I did something I've never done: forgot my wallet. Right away, I could tell this dude did not have a sense of humor like mine. We ate in a noisy hip place he had chosen, and I thought he was OK, but at the end of the night, I was like "I'll never see this dude again, but I'm glad I got out."
He love bombed me. He pursued the heck out of me, and the words limerence and high-school boyfriend were thrown around. I didn't really know who he was in love with as I'd only shown my "polite and surface" qualities. Fall in love with me, he said he did. I grew used to it. I had always been so ZING and YES! with men I liked before. This guy was different. He was the only gamer I'd ever dated and only the second dude with kids. We kissed a lot. He was very into PDA, and I guess I became a bit of a people pleaser. One day, I came out of the shower at his apartment when he wasn't home and cried because I thought one day I would break his heart because I didn't love him like he loved me.
Finally, we had dated over a year and it was in or out time for us old folks. He wanted in, and I was like "oh god. going back into the dating pool sucks ass." It was the beginning of a tepid romance. I never gave him what he wanted, and I was always a bit untouchable/elusive. He wasn't someone I talked to a lot, but he was someone who was there. He ended up finding the most perfect apartment for us. I couldn't believe he could afford it, but he said he could. Before we got married, I said "I'm really worried about three things: I'm crazy, you aren't good with money, and you want a mother". He said fuck it all and he would finally grow up.
We lived in that house for as long as we were married because I wasn't going to live with someone with kids without being married. It was a great pad. The one proactive thing Andy was good at was Christmas. The last Christmas we had in that house, he left his silver tinsel tree up until March. I had put a line that I wasn't going to do it all again that year.
Four months later, we were doing the thing we always did: order some food, drink some beer, watch a murder mystery. It wasn't a life I hated. I was content. I had long ago realized I can't change him. I would be frustrated beyond belief at the constant passivity, yet one day he wasn't passive.
I still rattle around in my head about what happened. How could someone love you say they loved you then instantly done. You always hurt the ones you love. I had a crazy stroke. The only thing I remember telling him is calling him a coward. In many ways, I think I was screaming at my father. It didn't matter. I was thrown on the ground and walked away from. I might have deserved it, yet it hurt a great deal.
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