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if I'm kind to myself, I never have embarked on the responsibility of owning a pet all alone. I have done pet hood in order to strengthen and expand an existing commitment. Therefore, when I'm lost and alone and feeling so terrified "what's wrong? is something wrong? will this be like the last time and there's nothing? should I go now or wait until after we move? will you snap out of it like you have before? are you acting normal? is this your new normal"?
so much in my head, and if I'm honest - I'm a bore without a person to bounce off of. I suppose that's one of the symptoms isn't it - emptiness. hello emptiness. I'll own you. I'm sitting around always waiting for the mommy to tell me what to do and the daddy to entrance elusively illusively. I know many words, and I don't know them all.
The other day, I was going to write you but got distracted. Today, I am heavy. It seems hard to distract me. I'm restless, but heavy. I cried twice today - once of the overwhelm/miasma/everything and once over Edith.
What would I want out of this life? in my head, everyone's life is a gorgeous Facebook or texted foto. I slapped myself yesterday reminding myself that I had EVERYTHING I ever asked for and wanted - with a tomato garden to boot - and I shat on it and ran away way before any fertilizer would form.
That's the hardest isn't it?
when you think - sobbing - I deserve this. I deserve to feel alone. I deserve to have a mysterious sick? cat. I deserve to be alone. I deserve to have horrible finances. I deserve to have a family that I perform for and am never liked. I deserve to be hidden from the world and branded a crazy woman. I deserve to have everyone I love end up leaving me and hating me because of the demolish things I utter. I deserve to have squalor. I deserve to be unfulfilled. I deserve to be ignored. I deserve to be old and ugly. I deserve to be burdensome and an annoying charity case. I deserve to be empty. I deserve to be a bore. I deserve it all. I deserve jail. I deserve the crazy house. I deserve being abandoned. I deserve being used.
And therefore it's the prison I've made for myself.
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