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I have three fake teeth, and I hate it...
one is a crown - got at 49
two are bonded and then unbonded/rebond-ed - got at 17 when my mother didn't want me to go to UGA with her heriditary gap in her teeth - diastema.
Wow, I just almost wanted to talk to you in second person - that must be slightly what dissociation is. I've always had trouble with that concept...
as I struggle with the concepts of authenticity, apology.
I wonder if I understand atonement. I certainly want to atone - but if I'm honest, it's likely for the wrong motivation - I want to dance in the fairy light with my love in front of me and humanity in co-bliss with through and beside me - and to get there, I think I have to atone.
it's a prison I make for myself.
I've done IFS therapy. My first "image" part was me in a scarcaphogus in Egypt trying to stay away from everyone like my big sister had told me - nobody wanted me.
You can see why I like Sumerian and the Innana/Ishtar myth.
I said "fuck Andrew" as my cathartic potential suicide note to my second spouse. THAT is what I was feeling in the moment that if I didn't make it and the torment (harry potter's tormentors got depression the most correctly) - that that would be the note I felt for my spouse. "fuck you". [ klio ]
but life has miracles.
I know one that to me seemed like one just now - the orange cat I allow to invade my boundaries and come into my home and sleep with me four times due to cold (its owner feeds it at 6:30 because that's when it wakes up and asks. I don't feed it anything but a dollop of nutritional yeast ((except that one can but then I realized what a responsibility that would be promising)). It's been coming in the house about four months now - for little visits. but it's been known to love galloping on my keyboard while I try to type. so today, we practiced "trust" and I tried to communicate not to be obsessed with the clicking keys and the spider-movement hands. He got it and started exploring the desk - seeing where he could fit as my lap was too dynamic. As he stepped off, he hit the "kl" and then next paw "io" keys. It wigged me out because I've been calling the other cat that adopted me first and the neighbor boy across the street told me her name as she is a wanderer of the neighborhood.... I've been spelling it "cleo" but Orangey (a name I made up) spells it 'klio'. it tripped me out about how intuitive animals are... the weirder thing was he wanted to go see klio who was outside at the back door.
and maybe my less dramatic diatribe to Andrew if I could get over even deigning to communicate with him I'm so splitting hurt would be something like "I understand. we had such good masks on in the beginning and mine was SO MUCH more beautiful than the real person beneath it. I just can't keep up "manic pixie dream girl"/"geisha" energy for very long and without a whole lot of medicine. I can see how it must have been strange. When I said it wasn't going to work with us - because inside we're the same age - we're both children and for a marriage like that to work - we either have to grow up, or split apart. We couldn't function without an adult in the mix. that sucked. his facade was "daddy" adult. When I explained my fears about our marriage - as our marriage counselor says, you know it from the very beginning - issues you come seven years later to address - and what I said and I remember it because it was vulnerable and the truth after you asked me to marry you - I said "I'm worried that you need a mommy and also aren't very good with finances and being the adult - and I worry that I'm crazy". He said "I'll learn", and he later bought a book on investing and stocks... as always, we never did anything... like Eliot smith always chides me "the things you'll do, you won't but you might"... and I gave him this website to read - which you've got to admit no matter how much I hide is pretty dang warts et al.
but fuck, I wish I hadn't been at my absolute lowest low when dealing with divorce lawyers. I'm still paying for that stupid mistake - and I wish I had gone with the wacky woman lawyer when she left the firm mid-case but again, I had thought my case was so simple - split the assets - give me alimony. I got so screwed, and it traumatizes me... but my stepdad who says he "will leave those kids nothing", is giving me this hand up. it astounds me.
miracles.
oh, of course I tell you everything...
and LA, you can't help but think like I stole from Kim Gordon's instagram "this is like 9/11". and I agree in that it feels like the implosion where it will be a backlash but for now a huge compassion.... but these were homes gone in a split second of warning...you never think it's going to happen to you...I felt a tiny bit tiny tiny tiny sliver when my aforesaid divorce with Andrew - it felt like being in a fire and getting everything out... except for me, it was mostly a revenge to Andrew - I wanted to take stuff that would hurt him. and I wanted to get everything that was mine out - it was so weird - I had to get rid of that so quickly... but then moving here, even less stuff, but kids I have this thing that I cherish so much that you won't have - I have photographs and shipped them from the fire... but oh the ring...
with this ring I thee wed
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