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She felt like it was all too hard and she missed her mojo - at the expense of trying to shake the fucking fuck out of her cloying habit of performing and seeing herself validated in the pretend gaze she had from people that were even dead.
it sucked. She was so tired.
She had obsessed about this latest plot twist for months. You''d be surprised how fast time flies when you''re minutely dissecting pieces of your ego trying to get that inner kid to stop peeing on the floor.
She had succinctly achieved her trajectory of fattening up during the fucking hell month that January was. It shocked her how much that knocked her on her are, but she really shouldn''t be shocked. Her entire ecosystem had been formed by trying to figure it out herself. She even learned a new term for it: asynchronous development.
Honest to god on a stick, it was amazing at how beautifully that last one had matched her wounds - like an object of perfect doom. She was hoping that she could make a pearl out of the scratchy sand, but wasn''t at all sure about that. Mostly, she thought about herself all the time - how someone so smart and fabulous could hate herself so much. And blaming the parents, that was done now. It was a thing. It was what it was, but it helped Narcissi beaucoup to recognize that he had been the smart dad AND the gaslighting "it''s fine. nothing is wrong" mom.
Whatever plus whatever plus whatever.
She had been living that stupid movie "Same Time Next Year". She forgot what it was, but something about some scared couple who sneak in some facsimile of love and call it life. Narcissi had done it on a weekly basis, and the kicker of it was.
The bloke would have been fine with it. If she had been a lady friend and slotted him in between her knitting circles, and trivia nights and rotated a few flirtations on the side - it would have all worked out smashingly.
That, like the Same Time Next Week plot were nightmares to her. She truly couldn''t comprehend how someone didn''t prize intimacy. How it could be better to just keep it light all the time. Leon was the most severe one she''d ever encountered, but now that she knew what to name it, she had hunted several of his breed before - and they''d broken the shit out of her heart.
Same plot next man.
It started with "holy fucking shit - you! you exist! everything now must revolve around getting YOU! Want me! Want me! my god, you are fucking brilliant! you''re a nuclear physicist huh? I''ve already got our Turkish wedding plans picked out! you sat around all day trying to balance an equation just for the fun of it? fuck me now!"
The latest one was weird in that he didn''t do effusive in the least. The others had tricked/wooed her by at least once saying amazing bait like "it takes a very intelligent man to realize how intelligent you are." "I''ve never met anyone like you. You make me feel like I can believe again." "You''re amazing." "I love you." "I adore you".
This one had said "your skin is soft".
and she ran with it to fucking china bitches. until she hit that famous
wall
and then she sulked and self-sabotaged - wait has she stopped yet - for ages.
then she said "wait, this mattered to me. how the fuck do I never do this again in my life if I live five minutes from now."
The answer of course was something she head heard so many times - even astrology was loud and clear.
fuck the audience.
walk your path and be the fucking weirdo you know you are.
crashing symbols fall from the sky at such a revelation,
but no shit. it changed her. It was so so so so so hard not to fall into the thing she named when she was younger "It''s like I feel there''s a camera watching me all the time."
"there''s nothing I can do but forgive myself. again and again. So, I wanted to be loved. So, I fell on my face again. So, I don''t know how to impose a boundary without acting like a starving person giving someone their last bread. One tries. One dies trying."
Time for another walk. why not.
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