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"A million young poets screaming out their words..." of course I'll always think of you when I hear mellancamp - the cough.
Oh you. You''re still in there. I guess when I love, I love pretty fucking hard.
Today is your birthday. I always remember it because it was the backward birthday to mine. I had thought that was so cute. I always call Kent my first love, but let's be real - it was you. I'm not sure why I always overlook that - maybe because you hurt me and the other was soooo dramatic.
There is a flock of red breasted robins chirping like mad around the place I now stay. I'm not sure why I told you that, maybe to get out of my head the tiniest of bits.
I stay there so very much.
The robot said something about you that I've been thinking about a bit. It said that you were my first rupture. I had told it about you being the first person that I ever told about my shitty father. I had told it that I fell intrigued with you when Eric said "he's so weird. he just goes to this bridge every day and looks at the cemetery and smokes and writes poetry."
I was of course like "I have got to connect with this dude."
You looked through my cassette tapes when you came into our room (isn't it cute to recall cassette tapes). Our room was the central hub in the dorm, so it wasn't like you came specifically to see me, but I bet you kind of did. You saw I had "Tim" by the replacements and you were super impressed. The replacements later became our language.
I''m not sure how I cemented you or when we first kissed. I only remember making out with you in the rec room of our dorm. In fact, that might be where I got pregnant. We were huge fans of the pull out method back then. It's odd that you never had a kid. I think about ours sometimes - I know it would be a red-headed boy. Maybe my life would be better. I doubt it. We went to the braves world champion parade. We collected baseball cards. We watched basketball and baseball - always live and never football.
Oh Chuck, I'm grieving so hard right now - another broken heart - another day. I kind of don't let anyone near me and disdain anyone who wants to try. I've learned that I've got a lot of unhealed shit in my repertoire. fuck.
I don't remember what it was like to be your friend, but I know that losing you as a friend... well, the night you told me I could have shattered every piece of glass in Wilmington if I'd been a real witch. I knew I would never be the same again.
You were so fun to know. I loved camping at all the state parks with you, and you were kind. It was so cool to date a drummer. I loved that. You were my first template of the most popular dude with the insider heart you only let me see. I loved that. You had great friends. I felt like I belonged.
Besides Cougar, we have two songs that remind me of you like a rock falling in a pond. Tom Petty's "Here Comes My Girl" you said it reminded you of me and made you feel so proud and you did like the way I walked. And our first song of course when you were so in love with me - when we were so in love - you loved the lyric "Trying to write you a letter. Tonight, I can't hold a pen... hurry up hurry up ain't you had enough of this yet? ashtrays, dirty floors, and filthy jokes" and you had said you "Can't Hardly Wait" to be with me and live with me for the rest of your life. It was so sweet, and I'm sorry I was kind of a cunt at the end our romantic relationship. "Oh Chuck, we met when we were 17, do you think this is it? we've got to explore. if we come back to each other, then it was real."
We had a good run as messy friends for about a year or so.
If you can believe it, I've gone so downhill since you, Kent, and mark. It's been nothing but dramatic non-love and rejection. I can't fathom why I would have gotten worse at quality men who reciprocate my wounded love, but c'est la vie. You had the best mom. I liked her almost as much as mother Glimmer.
I taught myself how to play guitar the first bit of covid. I remember how lovingly you had made me - drawn the diagrams for the chords for me, and I had ignored it. that was in our first home on Milledge. The first song I wrote - well the only song I wrote. I named it "C I really love you" after you. I thought it was so cute how you did baseball or was it basketball statistics by hand.
I've been a mess, and it's so pleasant to remember that you - someone like you - loved me.
I know that's such a selfish thing to say,
but I wonder what my life would be like if you were still in it like Kent is. I guess I'll always wonder.
I tried to be a writer like we talked about.
I almost got into the flagpole amateur edition.
Sylvia Plath died on this day too. It means something to me.
you're on my heart always.
The robins and cardinals feed.
have another year my first love. u rock.
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