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She finally talked to her sister last night after avoiding the few phone calls she lobbed.
They talked about many things. Narcissi threw the mother under the bus immediately. "And did you know, she acts all passive, but she''s the most competitive comparative person. It''s wild. That''s where you get it from - and why your girls are so competitive, but I thought it was so nice how Jill turned it around at Connie''s wedding saying that even though she didn''t realize she was in a competition until later - it spurred her on to better things. That was sweet. You''re a good mom."
The sister paused.
"Do you think I''m competitive?"
Narcissi got scared a little. This sister had been her first bully.
The sister continued, "everyone says that I''m the most competitive person they''ve ever met. but I don''t think so."
Narcissi didn''t know what to say, how to safely say it, so she tried to hedge, "well, you like to win. I know that. what''s wrong with being competitive really? Isn''t everyone kind of competitive? you''re a kind winner."
"I don''t know what''s wrong with it I guess. I do like to win."
How could Narcissi say that in the lab that was their childhood, the sister had formed something deeply embedded in her to never show her light - to know that anything Narcissi got in the form of a compliment seemed to throw daggers into the big sister''s throat. Narcissi was taught to never ever compete - to only win internally. Besides, how could she have ever won? she was tiny and new. It took her a while to trace it back to the sister, but it was there as solid as an Egyptian tomb.
When she first started trauma therapy, Narcissi was asked to envision herself in a guided way to what was wanted of her - she put herself into a crypt like a vampire in a megolith in the desert - but she just couldn''t disappear - something in her wanted to speak - wanted to exist.
The sister had wished Narcissi dead. The brother said, "I want to burn this house down with all of you in it, and the only one I''d save is Narcissi."
The father had said, "at last we have a pretty one. Narcissi is going to be beautiful".
The sister heard it all.
She was very much like the mother.
The mother was the sphinx.
"Hello, are you still there?! I asked if you thought it was bad that I was competitive. You know my life''s not perfect. I have to walk on eggshells with Nick."
"Oh, I''m sorry. I don''t think you''re a bad winner. You''re very gracious. Don''t worry about it."
"I don''t know what happened with you and Leon. I met him twice. I didn''t really see what you saw, but I know that you loved him very much - you were too into him probably. He probably saw that and didn''t know what you were doing - that he didn''t believe what you saw. Why are you crying? I''m sorry."
Narcissi cried all the time nowadays. "I''m sorry, I cry all the time. I probably shouldn''t have picked up the phone. I''m not very strong right now. They say it''s going to take three months. I feel like I fucked up because - well I know so so so much why why why but I feel like I ruined something I really loved, and it''s because of how I was as a child, and I never grew up. They call it external validation and asynchronous development"
"No. I think you''re fine. You''re grown up. It''s hard to be a grown up. I think I suck at it, and everyone is fucked up. The older you get, you''ll see that. And you know how I did it."
Narcissi did. "I know, it was with your girls."
"Yes, if I didn''t have the girls, I don''t know what I would have done..."
"Your girls are strong and happy. You''re a good mother"
"Connie is 30 and still picks her nose in public. I don''t know. I just want you to be happy. I felt like he was so lucky to have you. I didn''t see what you saw in him. Tell me again, what happened"
"Oh, I told you. the trigger was when he didn''t want to spend any time with me during our mutual Christmas break, and even before that - when I saw that he had updated his bumble profile. I just lost my fucking shit." she started crying again.
"Oh oh. What can I do? there are so many better men out there. You can find one."
"It took me decades to find someone like him. Y''all never saw it. He''s like Mark to me - you didn''t see it. He''s hard to see really. He''s just amazing. He has the best mind, and I love him like I don''t know. I wish I didn''t love him. I wish I had played it cool. I fucked up. I wish I could have just said something like a grown up ''if you''re on the dating apps and shopping around, that isn''t going to work for me - that''s my one boundary.'' but instead I just blew up like a freak. Fuck." She sobbed. "See, I can''t even control myself. I''m such a mess. I''m anxious attached and you have a shield I don''t. I''m too sensitive. I''m a freak."
"You''re not a freak. I am not lying. everyone is fucked up. You know he is. They just hide it. Look, I''ll do anything. Can I call him and ask him what went wrong - if there''s anything that can be done?"
Narcissi''s heart soared at the intention, and she actually got to laugh thinking what that convo would be like, "I so love you for offering to do that."
"I love you so much. You''ve got to find a friend - someone to help you feel good about yourself. You knock it, but it''s ridiculous - everyone needs what you call ''external validation'' - look for me it''s the girls."
"I should be strong enough."
"stop it. you''re beating yourself up."
"I know. I just lost something that really meant so much to me, and I turned into a fucking three year old screaming want me and it kills me a bit, and the problem is me."
"Look, I''m going to come to Macon and ..."
they hung up after a while. The orange cat was tucked in Narcissi''s arms, and she took a foto and sent it to her sister to try to reassure her, "see, I''m not an alone. the neighbor''s cat has adopted me. although I don''t want a cat."
She wasn''t going to listen to her hero this time. Last time, she had ended up trauma bond marrying a man who bored and choked her.
She didn''t know what she was going to do.
Breathe.
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