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I'm actually (oh me again)
so freaking passionate about this blue dot you wouldn't believe.
I keep wondering what the double fuck infinity of all google light years black holes is the event horizon for our existence.
Doesn't everyone think about the meaning of life?
The expensive astrologer said people would make fun of me - the same one that said it would be really hard for me because I was born with a defective psychic regulator. I've come to think of that as my madness.
My niece noticed it on the girls' weekend "is that the way it always is for you? your brain?"
It was actually nice to have someone notice. I am wrecked because my attachment system just got smashed up with the first love in eons - coupled with he dumped me when I finally asked if he wanted me. It's been four months.
I'm better.
fuck me.
but the earth.
us
all of it
I devoured science fiction. I don't joke on bumble when I say I'm an amateur philosopher, yet it's a different kind of wisdom. I don't like know Hegel's five principals or the eight forms of Plato or whatever. For me, it started with "why is my mommy crying all the time. this doesn't feel safe. must fix."
and fast forward LIV years, and voila.
a crony hot mess who still bleeds volatile.
I want to be nicer to me.
that felt great to type like a weight off
it feels hard to always try and anticipate what they'll use to hurt you before they do it, and that my friend made me weep, so you know it's a thingy.
and I only knew it was there when I fell in love again because it's easy to have a regulated attachment system when you're not
"there he is. I want."
It's like it's all easy to be Earth until there's a giant boulder that toppled into your crust blowing up your atmosphere and killing the ...
but seriously, us?
knowing we are in this space?
how very very very huge and
string theory
it makes my heart sing
I love all of us and when I was little, I read biography after biography trying to figure out how they got out of the hole (my self-made ego trap).
the best I got is "... why on earth are we here? surely not to live in pain and fear..."
or that robo trip where the angel person said "lighten up, this is just a game - a test - a play - you'll come back to connecting with us when you leave this body...."
42
but I dance alone
with sporadic interludes.
fuck if I know.
the universe's earth vs. my broken heart
someone care
that I don't have to pay.
and what's a broken heart but the meaning of life.
it's I suppose what you do after that heart done broke.
who knows. que faire. I guess.
this.
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