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Every morning now - after going to bed by 9pm - she gets awakened at three or four by purring light claw pads caressing her face until she... gets up and does what she has now named "midnight snack" and pees. Then she refuses to get up again - no matter how hard they try - until there is a bit of white coming through the trees indicating dawn is nigh. then she trudges to the living room (trying to live) carrying her glasses, her iPad, her iPhone. She lays them on the sofa then opens the door for cleo then put the crystal nightlight back in place then proceeds to the feedings where she gathers the uneaten inside cat food and gives it and some new to the outside cats. She then adds a tiny bit of water to most of the food since them seem to like it. She fills up their water bowls and sometimes has to re-water the ant prevention double plate system outside. Then she fills her hot water pitcher up if she hasn't done it the night before and gives herself some ice water while it boils. She brushes Dobby because he demands it and when the water boils she decides tea or coffee and today was tea. then she goes and lays on the sofa and completes the wordle - pissed if it's too fast - and reads reddit and daily mail and salon and researches anything that comes to mind.
currently, someone is playing church music. it's kind of pretty. today is Sunday after all.
she's going to go into town later. probably won't be cutting the grass although she should be out there right fucking now as she's going to be out of town for five days.
but she notices it's gone.
she's given up.
she feels stupid and insane and a worn out cliche.
it wasn't that great. she made so much of it up. so she had some interesting man that made her metachlorans glow, he didn't last. he couldn't stand her. it was over. and now she'll do that thing where she acts like she's ok not being with anyone and just stops trying and pretends and pretends.
until it doesn't work or she gets wickedly lonely - then she'll hop on those apps and try again. and then she'll find someone smart and disdainful and it will fit with what she's known so well - "ah! someone who makes me beg for love - mommy! daddy!! step daddy!" and then she'll morph into some performer who tries so hard to Meryl Streep it into the awards ceremony.
and she'd fail again.
it has to be different this time. she can't be stupid and swept away by chemistry sets. she's got to be true to herself and not accommodating. she's unaware of how she'll do this since she loves with the enthusiasm of a three-year-old to her father, but she'll try and try
or maybe she'll just volunteer at a cat shelter. pay her bills. watch amazing tv and trash tv. scroll on the internet forever, eat drink masturbate. and die.
alone
like she deserves because ... she hurt people who loved her by not loving them back and now she's shown her due.
for now, she'd wipe her stupid tears and put some rice in the machine. be grateful for the kimchi she bought yesterday ... being grateful that her blister on the bottom of her foot is just temporary and how grateful she is for mobility.
and then she'll see her mom tomorrow
and try to
be
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