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They were in the bar that Harper Peterson - the cool mayor who looked like Peter coyote - owned. It was probably the nineties, she was brash. They were with the older realtor friend that looked like Stalin. She was married to the most popular man in town - the kindest. And she was smug. She loved lording it up over her twice-divorced family. She was drunk on some beer - probably the local brew. It was the early 2000's. Someone in their circle had just been
caught cheating.
It was a scandal. The wife declared with complete confidence, "well, I know I will never cheat on mark. never. that will never happen. I think it's so dumb. just leave the person. why cheat? if you cheat, it means it's over anyway."
The wife was
idealistic. Her first mother-in-law threw it at her like an insult one day. The wife was like, "I wish more people were idealistic." She also wished more people would take ecstasy at the same time. A mass ecstasy.
She imagined that had been tried before. History was so repetitive. That's one of the things that kind of boggled her mind - the reason for everything - like what if it was an almost-infinite test and you think that you'll just get by and try your best and all your dreams kind of flake into what's the next tv show.
that's what had happened to her.
she once had an argument with mark about not having a drawer in the filing cabinet. it was all about power. she had gone way all in on him. she had bet the farm on him.
and then it started ... what...she started. it began to be lonely inside the marriage. She always wanted to have a third - or a fourth - people over. She didn't really want to be alone with him. She didn't realize it. she just let it happen. there were times she would drive back to Atlanta and see her mother and aunt and hear them say, "of course you fall out of love in marriage. marriage is hard. you fall back in love if you wait it out." The wife replied, "I've waited a year."
and the husband was excellent. he was well-raised. he won the bread. he was diligent. he was ambitious. he was kind. he was everything. he was funny. he was smart.
she never considered they would divorce or she would cheat. she just knew it wasn't working for her. at the time, she thought of therapy as something rich effete folks perform - or more accurately, she thought it was what you did when you were weak.
so she soldiered on. She drank a lot. She was in a town that drank a lot. her husband drank a lot. they had a good life. he worked out of town all the time. she laughed that she had always wanted a lot of alone time, and now she had it.
but it was getting dangerous.
she had been trying to go back to school to do something with her life - to make a diff - to be a teacher. she had enrolled in school. she had had to pick up a lab because she'd never taken one at UGA, so she enrolled in advance biology 101 because the normal biology didn't discuss DNA, and she loved DNA - ATCG...
and she's told the story before. The man she would cheat on her husband with and end her marriage for - was her lab partner. She thought he was 21. She was 30. It turned out, he was only a year younger than her. She learned this when they talked all night about particle physics string theory love and everything at the soap box on front street. someone insisted he walk her home as it was late and the wife's husband was in LA. It was during a film festival. everyone was very festive. the wife had mostly men friends. she wasn't a cheater.
but she kissed him that night before she tossed him out of her home.
she kind of fell in love. she had dreamed about him while they were in school together, and it had been a surprising dream - a vivid one - of making love.
and god
it had been
transcendent making love.
but by then she was crazy, and you know that crazy chicks are the best in bed - especially ones with father issues.
to her credit. to her downfall. she knew her marriage was over. she had killed it by feeling for this man. (she was so naive so idealistic).
she left a message for her husband that the marriage was going to be something they explored not having. She even was crazy enough to believe that the person she cheated with could one day become friends and be incorporated in the friend group. she had read about such things in bloomsbury circles, and she still love mark of course.
but this morning she wondered, 'why did I cheat? that was such a hard line for me, and I destroyed myself by crossing it."
she doesn't think she could answer it, but if you put a gun to her head, and demanded it for real, she'd come up with:
"I was lonely. I was an unemployed intellectual housewife with a very tiny house. My marriage had seemed kind of dull, and I didn't know it could be fixed. I self-destructed when I cheated. I burned a million bridges."
"ok ok. but why. I get that you regret it, but why did you do it?"
"this will sound delusional, but I'm sure I was manic, and later I definitely was - I never know if it's a defense mechanism or causal or both, and I was really into buddhism and wine and loved getting the occasional weed, and I'd stay up all night just because I could - well I did that once..."
"ok ok. stop skirting around it. I have to be somewhere. Why did you cheat on someone who you never thought you'd cheat on."
"you are going to fucking throw a tomato at me, but," she sighed and looked very serious but kind of ashamed, "I also read a lot, and I had been into Khalil Gibran, and that line about grabbing love if you taste it...and I thought I could handle it. I thought I could go to this new love and keep the last love. I had already done it with Lance and could have done it with Chuck, so I knew I could do it... but it kind of went haywire when the dude I ruined my life for was like 'uh, you're hot and it was great but no thanks to real shit.' and I lost my mind for like a decade."
"ok. what? so your answer is you were crazy?"
"no. it's even worse. I thought I was in love. I thought I had met someone who I could grow and dance and create and fuck. I know. I know. but that's why."
"ok. but it doesn't make sense. why didn't you just apologize."
"I tried, but then it became apparent I was done with the marriage although I wasn't going to say it out loud."
"what does that mean?"
"in LA, I kissed someone. just to feel alive."
"you were crazy?"
"oh I'm still crazy, but then I was more lost and terrified and it had died but was still moving...."
"god, you obfuscate."
"and I've done it before."
They raised their glasses. "it was good talking with you. I've got to go."
"I paid for it. I made myself pay."
He turned around and kind of smiled laughed, "no one cares."
"I know."
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