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2002:April:1
I have been trying to meditate for you, yes you, gentle reader? I want to be in a more peaceful place. For you and for me and that is the reason for my delay in writing to you. I have been weary, gentle reader, most weary. Trying the whole real thing in person, not in print, takes even more out of me. I have been listening more and talking less at work. Again, yes work, jeez. I should get off the cross right? I have learned a great deal about myself and the people around me in a short amount of time. I think I am still quite freaked by what I have seen in them and myself as of late, other things too, and I just do not know where to start.
Again with the hesitation already. Say it.
I am weary of the game gentle reader. The game I speak of is the happy alcoholic family I work with. Everything is always ok. Complain, judge, rant incessantly of your aches and pains, it is all fair game. If you want to play that way. No space for being yourself and that is cool, I can hang with that. But I have let myself trick myself into helping the game. I chirp agreements and empathies for vast quantities of unnecessary information. I usually make parrot like sounds or say hello whenever passing folks. I try not to act affected by the incessant questions about people that I know, that they vaguely know, over and over again, when I am quiet. I am bored beyond belief for nine hours, have no weekends off, without a month's advance, and no chance of ever making any money. I guess I am learning that I am a dumbass for staying. A fool for not trying harder.
Again, I am so lazy in so many aspects of my life. This work thing, it is just something to pay the rent, life is what you do when you are not working. The captive audience thing gets to me gentle reader. It is such and intimate space that all of us work in together and pretend to get along. I am so weary of the sameness of my job, most of all, as far as talking, interaction. But I am responsible for this too now that I see it in print. Again, I talk all this hoo ra to you and I see that I only need to be myself. I do not have to participate. Things will change and evolve and I do not have to lose my job. The less I speak, the more I shall be heard. And, if not, so be that, too. I shall not go crackers for my pennies that I bring home. It is not worth it for me or for you gentle reader. Be true to yourself and you cannot go wrong. It may work and it may not, but I shall continue to do my whitestips and assess my wardrobe for interviews, so you need not worry.
We shall figure it all out gentle reader.
I want to get to a simpler place within myself. I must find that place now and always remember about work or any other mundane necessity in life that "I'm just passing through here on my way to somewhere civilized/ and maybe I will even arrive/ maybe I will even arrive." If I live inside my head mostly, I can come to this place in my mind too if I will it to be so.
Peace out gentle reader. No more work stuff, next time, it is just another layer I want to strip off for you. To be nude for you. If it does not pain or shame me a bit to say it and move on, what am I doing writing anyway? This too, shall pass. I will gain the faith in myself to be naked. Why the hell not? We all only get one shot at this life thing. Seek peace and truth every day in yourself and you too shall enjoy and explore. I hope I am right. For selfish reasons too. I miss instructions, or I guess I think I do in life. Or rather, I have done this, without realizing that I can harness what I process for the better of myself and others. I can only improve by letting go of myself.
Let go of all this stuff and just write. That is what I would most like to do for you and for me gentle reader. I do not feel less crazy when I talk to you but I do feel relieved and always hopeful. I am frightened and fascinated with this whole evolution within myself. I wish I had more energy. More hours in the day, etc. Excuses.
I do so enjoy our chats, though. Free to be you and me. I want to say something new to you each time. A yank, a snare, what have you, anything to pull you in and keep you. Yes you, gentle reader.
We must talk so much more.
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