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2002:June:3
So I say to myself, "Self, sweet jesus you need to talk to somebody" But I say no, or rather self says no. I avoid more frequent chats because, honestly, I keep having these down waves. I sometimes feel as if I need to run into the arms of the next person I connect with and ask them to help. Help. Help me figure it all out, because I sometimes feel like I just do not know what I am doing anymore. When I am by myself, natural emotion seems such a rare event. I think and think and think. Jeez. Must have more new music, more talks, etc. Saying that, I realize that I am again avoiding you, you mr. self, you. I am a recluse at heart. I guess I just scare myself with how dark I can let myself get. This sounds selfish, but people can usually fix that and yes, I do need that. But I truly must start learning now, today, how to be cozy or at least tolerant of being in my own skin.
I have been taking these crazy, long walks on my days off to shake off that whole work thing and try to get to level of tolerance so that I will not hate myself and then avoid writing to you, gentle reader. Remember all of those body hangups and such? Well, that usually falls away at the redneck beach. I count one, two, three, abominations of flesh and realize that I will be just fine with taking my shirt off. Such a wonderful feeling. This is so cornball, but I think I get more of a kick by myself, being just some boy, rather than this sad old queen with problems. I used the outside shower after a long walk at the beach and then I took a sneeky piss by the coke machine. I drive back from the beach with my shirt off until I get into town. I know this all must sound so silly and stupid to you gentle reader, but remember I am quite the freak now. I do have quite a wretched little body with tiny shoulders, ribs showing, love handles, paunch, stretch marks, good legs, nice face, etc. Well, jeez, there you go again self. As if there was a question I ask you self? "Sillouhette like and eggplant/ my body heaves like I am pregnant" A quote from me, from when I was fat. No, I am no longer fat. But I really never got into good shape. I feel as if time is running out and I remove myself from viable significant others, or just human interaction. I know this sounds terribly vain. But as pugly as I know I am at the moment, I realize that this is a shallow world and that self preservation is essential, at least in the states anyway. Or so I have been brainwashed or I have brainwashed myself to believe.
I guess I think this because I, this is shallow, of course, but here we go, regretted that I was never one of the beautiful people. Well, you know, we, of course are all beautiful, I do not mean anything to the contrary. When I look around at the beautiful young boys that are everywhere with their shirts off, now that it is so hot, so soon in June, I remembered how sad I always get every summer, every day, because I know one more summer shall pass and I know I will not have the confidence to be one of those boys in public. I need to work harder at everything.
If I wore my contacts every day I could wear sunglasses at the snoot snoot beach after work. But this exquisite smoke and red wine will probably prevent such. I am off on Wednesday, though. I will figure something out. I have to change in so many ways every day. My habits bore me so as of late.
Ok, screw it, here it goes. After my day at the beach, "he went down to an ocean town and stood in a lonely place, closed his eyes and he fantasized he couldn't remember a face". Let us cut to the chase, the same black guy who sucked my dick after my father died (I, slack faced, cruised 95 on the trip back, after a nap at a rest station off the highway... I left after staying up all night to indulge S, who I was staying with while father expired and then was lain for a week while prepping a military funeral.... sorry, I thought some exposition was necessary there), was at the park on the way back.
I had just stopped to pee. Ok, no, my shirt was off and my dick was hard. Sorry, about but the language, but hey Brukowski did it, why can't I. And hey, wouldn't you say it is a time saver? So, he sucked my cock, and it was anonymous, and it was badass, out in the open, with sun just going down and I came like a bastard.
I loved it and I felt empty and sad afterword, but I still loved it.
Night. Love. Me.
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