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Grey Green Gospel: #
I do not reccomend "One hour photo". I saw this flick this afternoon. Predictable, lack of interest in the characters, reiteration of the despair found in the human condition are just a few of the high points I endured. Or perhaps it is me. I just do not know anymore. I have been on vacation this past week. And, of course, I have been beating myself up for every emotion and desire. What is it about getting older that makes me analyze myself so much lately. Here I have this opportunity to just chill. But I think. I think and think and think. Auugh! Must change all of my habits now! Ok, so I cruised once, as well, and that has left me feeling quite fucked up really. I also did a few weeks back, downtown, I am afraid. And oh, oh that was just as frightful as usual. Well, I say frightful, but it is after I am referring to really. How it makes me feel-I feel nothing. Is there something that I am supressing in myself that justifies this fear or resolution of easy needs? Sex. Lust. Greed. Ok, here is what I think it is or might be. I am so relieved that I want something, i.e. to get my rocks off or whatever, but then what is ever left behind. If I was a simpler bird, these trashy encounters would just be notches in my lipstick case or what have you. So guilt. Is that what
it is now? Guilt and shame. The cop out for fear. Do I fear making some sort of connection with a guy. Ok, relationship wise, I do not really know what I would want from a guy but, and you may find this strange, I think I know what I might want from a girl. Or so I think. I want affection from girls. From guys I only seem to crave masculinity. I am sure this sounds whacked but I really, really, want to be able to relate to guys, be accepted by guys, as friends.
I seem to be struggling with the same issues. Again, if I made more of an effort to try harder to do more, read more, socialize more, while keeping all my ducks in a row at the same time, I might be able to get my act together. Ok, so I am ripping it all apart because of my lack of pot. Silly addictions. Just the mere fact
that I force myself to think about it as an addiction instead of just enjoying it when it is available. I list and
I worry. I must stop doing that. I do not want to lose myself to the details. What am I doing? I keep asking myself. How is it that I get myself to this self indulgent state of mind. Create. Create. Reality is always right there. Why not enjoy the suspension of such?
I worry that I come off as sad. I want to shake off the sad so badly gentle reader. I feel so selfish when I have sad thoughts. Yes, the movie I saw did affect me. No, I am not like that guy. I do have kick ass friends
and my little life is really kind of all right. I guess these thoughts do get in my head and I must release them from time to time. I shall not always be so negative. I choose to be this way I know. Funny, saying that felt so liberating and shameful at the same time. I really need to give more to people. Give my attention and my heart but still hold onto my own feelings and not suppress them. I must temper my basal desires. These heartless pursuits of fruitless lust and hours spent in other rituals that rob me of free time. There is so very much more to life than work. There is also much more than the ritual. I think I can finally see that. I must try harder to enjoy myself and extend myself to enjoy the company of others as well.
Sorry for all this crap gentle reader and friends. No more empty promises to you. I am so grateful for the people in my life. I am not so pleased with myself lately but that is no one's fault but my own. Despite all this nonsense, I am quite hyped about my trip to Athens, Ga tommorow. I hope to see some friends from Atlanta too. Stories to come. Please do not give up on me yet. Love. Me
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