Grey Green Gospel: #
Hi, hey how ya doin' gentle reader. Moi enfin. I have recovered from my vacation, the ear infection that followed, and I slowly but surely weaning myself off of the hydrocodone-sp? that I begged off the doc in the box near my work. So, I have missed you. Oh, I could just kiss you. This beast of my mind is hungry for your ears. Shock. Shame. Intrigue. What have I done gentle reader? I ask you such things shamefully. I am nervous about what I am about to tell you. Because I do worry about you. Maybe that is the problem. Maybe I should worry about me more than I do. I feel shame when I start to tell someone. But where is the shame during the act or acts themselves. So. Anyway. I tried crystal meth like a big redneck. What a freak I am I know. I did not really feel that whacked. I just did not sleep for 3 days and rolled in on a school night late with a bum ear to boot. E and I had a good ol' time though, I guess. No. We did, really. Not so much the meth part but the talking really. We talked some about our hangups and shortcomings, of course. Ok, a lot really. I guess he is just as insecure and screwed up as I am--maybe like every body is. When can I just let all that shit go and just live. When do I give up my defenses and just embrace. I feel that way around people that I care about but I have a terrible time feeling that with just me lately. Father time is breathing down my neck. He keeps whispering a synopsis of my life thus far and what has not been accomplished as far as fear of myself. So the simple stuff. The boring me stuff. The anger that I fear is to come with my growing frustrations. I gave up the cruising. Really, I did. Funny, I never felt this lonely when I was a celibate girl for so many years. I am lonely but so distant too. A relationship now? I guess? Oh dear. I would think that I would scare someone, someone who I might actually want to get to know, away if I even breached the subject of what I do with myself as of late and lately in general. I have never in my life wanted to just hold someone in my arms as badly as I have lately. What is happening to me? I let myself spiral to a point of feeling as weak as possible, emotionally, and then wonder, like a dumbass, what is wrong. I really do not try hard enough. With anything, I am just such a lazy bastard. And the damn vanity. Sigh, it concerns me how shallow I can be about my appearence. I just do not want to get all craggly before I even get a chance to take the ball and run with it. So, my life is a bit better now, I have many blessings. A raise, good friends, healthy cats, a truck that travels. My finances shall soon be in order, for my standards anyway. Grief over such has been heavy on my mind for sometime. No money in the bank makes me feel so trapped, so stuck, so predictibly careful with my actions and thoughts. Just a smackle of money in the bank takes any and all responsible feelings of the aforementioned nature away. I may not live like I am dying tommorow but I certainly spend that way. Blah blah with the money already. I will be more sparkly for you next time. LOve. Me



›post #29
›bio: michael
›perma-link
›9/30/2002
›21:34

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# hi, hey how ya doin‘ gentle reader. moi enfin.




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