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post #39
bio: chris

first post
that week

Previous Posts
On Sting (and other crap)
Things I Say to My Dad, Because (like myself) He Thinks, Irrationally, He's Going to Die Soon
Why Hipstamatic Was Invented
Happy Mother's Day, Y'all
Black Pear Tree (Guest Post from John Darnielle)

Sexy Ruxpin
A long time ago (when I was 8), in a galaxy far, far away (Connecticut), I once had my own radio talk show. Aw, man, it was fantastic. We'd broadcast from the enclosed back porch off of my parents' house. I hosted the mofo along with my five studio regulars, who consisted of the four main characters in Douglas Adams' Hitchhiker's trilogy (Arthur Dent, Ford Prefect, Zaphod Beeblebrox, and Trillian) and the immortal Hulk Hogan. Those were some fun times.

Basically, what I'd do is plug a microphone into a boom box and start recording. (I'd do the voices of all five studio guests, as well as anyone else I figured might be on this show. I interviewed Vince Neil once. That was cool.) Some of these tapes still exist. They're buried deep below the forest of giant bears and slot machines in my parents' house.

Around the time I turned eight years old, I started hanging out with "the bad kids". Granted, how bad can you be in second grade? These were the kids whose parents didn't supervise them as closely as other kids. The kids who spent all their time fixing up RC cars, riding their BMX bikes in the woods, and dropping the occasional f-word. A couple of them claimed to be smokers, I think. But, who knows? They were probably loaded when the said that.

I became friends with one bad kid in particular named Jeff. He wasn't a bad kid at all, really. Jeff was a smart kid and could draw like nobody's business. He sort of took me under his wing -- you know, we'd go over to the Roller Palace and I'd get to hang out with all the cool kids in 2nd grade. Yep, for an 8 year old, he certainly was a man about town.

One day I invited Jeff to co-host my radio show with me. I figured it would be just Jeff and I hanging out, talkin' RC Cars and Def Leppard, crap like that. Oh no. Instead, Jeff wanted to talk about sex -- in particular, how was "doing it" with a couple of third graders. Not your typical kiddie conversations. Of course, I was taken aback a bit at first. I mean, at that point, all I really knew about sex was that they showed it on the Playboy channel. And there goes Jeff, goin' on about this and that. Suddenly I was the elementary school Dr. Ruth.

Seriously, there's some great stuff on these tapes. I go into some great monologue about having the hots for Lea Thompson's character in Howard the Duck. (Hey, if she'll do it with a duck, at least I have a SHOT, right?) And having the Hitchhiker's gang around is always a good time.

Do you guys remember Teddy Ruxpin? He was this animatronic Teddy Bear. You'd buy tapes for him, plug the tapes in his back, and he would talk. Kids loved this thing, I tell ya. My little brother had one, and I saw potential. Armed with my newly-acquired sexual knowledge, I set out to create a Teddy Ruxpin story no parent would ever forget.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you... Sexy Ruxpin!

Yeah, so I recorded a fairly-innocent semi-dirty Teddy Ruxpin tape. I don't remember exactly what I said on it. (Like I said, I have to find these tapes!) I think it was fairly tame, with lots of dick and boobie jokes. There may have been some farting involved. I'm not really sure. And I fully expected my brother's Teddy Ruxpin to comply and move his mouth like he was telling the story himself. Of course, he didn't. I'd put the tape in, and his jaw just dropped at the first word. He just sat there, mouth open, jaw dropped, sayin' things a good teddy bear just don't say.

Damn, I gotta find these tapes.

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