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post #41
bio: chris

first post
that week

Previous Posts
On Sting (and other crap)
Things I Say to My Dad, Because (like myself) He Thinks, Irrationally, He's Going to Die Soon
Why Hipstamatic Was Invented
Happy Mother's Day, Y'all
Black Pear Tree (Guest Post from John Darnielle)

What It Is
The following story is absolutely, positively, 100% true. None of it is made up in any way, nor was it written under the influence of any substance. Except coffee. And bagel. And baby oil. But who's counting?

I was switching trains this morning at my usual stop like I always do. However, as I got off the train, I noticed a seven-foot tall golden man dressed in golden robes playing a golden violin vvvvveeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrryyyyyy slowly. He barely moved the bow against the strings, playing one long continuous note. One long-ass note.

"Odd," I thought. But whatever. Stuff like that happens all the time. No big whoop.

I got onto the red line platform, and notice a very pretty girl standing up against the wall. I like pretty girls, so I stood next to her. She was carrying fruit salad.

I look across the tracks, and I see a man who looks like a living, breathing garden gnome. He's wearing a pointy green knit hat which stood about one foot in the air. He had one eyebrow permanently raised. Kinda angry lookin'.

I looked back over at the pretty girl. Ah, pretty girl. You're pretty. I like looking at you.

But I couldn't stop looking at the gnome, either.

Pretty on one side. Weird on the other. Pretty. Weird. Pretty. Weird.

The gnome noticed I was looking at him. His one open eye made direct contact with mine and he snarled "What are YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW looking at?"

"I'm lookin at'chou, ya fahking gnome!"

Okay, I didn't actually say that. But I wanted to. My PC common sense got the better of me, and I decided that in the interest of gnome tolerance I'd keep my mouth shut.

I went back to looking at Pretty Girl.

Just then a hobbit walks in. I'm not kidding. This guy was a freakin' hobbit. He was about five feet tall, stocky -- but definitely not a midget. He had kind of a smushed face and hairy knuckles.

The hobbit went and stood next to the gnome. Perfect.

Then two old school hip-hop-lookin' dudes came down the stairs and stood directly behind the gnome and the hobbit. Now, when I say old school, I'm talking OLD school. They looked like what would happen if Grandmaster Flash and Fab 5 Freddy got old, fat, and never changed their style.

Oh, and have you ever seen the movie Krull? There's a character in that movie named the Black Widow. At least, I think that's her name. Anyway, she had really, REALLY long hair that was tied up on the top of her head, kinda beehive-ish. She was there, too, hanging with Grandmaster Flash, Fab 5, the gnome and the hobbit.

I looked back over to Pretty Girl. She looked back at me, too. Somehow, just by the way she looked at me, I knew she had seen Krull and that the gnome and the hobbit were freakin' her out too.

O, Pretty Girl. I know this is weird. I know you're scared. Come with me, Pretty Girl, to a place that's warm and safe. We'll sit by the fire and drink hot toddies, tell funny stories about our damaged childhoods and maybe, just maybe, watch your favorite John Cusack movie. John Cusack is safe. John Cusack is funny. And John Cusack is definitely not a hobbit.

Some guy was playing guitar at the T-stop. I was used to hearing it by now, so I had blocked him out. But just then he got up and started singing "Lean on Me." Grandmaster and Fab Five started swaying together, singing along. The gnome looked over at the hobbit, and smiled. The Black Widow just kinda stood there.

I looked over at Pretty Girl, inviting her with my big green eyes to step a little closer and lean on me.

She didn't.

The train came. I got on. Some Kelly Osbourne lookin' chick stood in front of me. She had written on the back of her jacket "Poop I Hate You."

My sentiments exactly. Poop, I hate you.

Fab 5 Freddy stood next to me. I looked over to him and chuckled an exasperated "Oh, Life!" chuckle. He did, too.

"What it is."

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