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post #172
bio: chris
perma-link
6/20/2005
01:27

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Previous Posts
On Sting (and other crap)
Things I Say to My Dad, Because (like myself) He Thinks, Irrationally, He's Going to Die Soon
Why Hipstamatic Was Invented
Happy Mother's Day, Y'all
Black Pear Tree (Guest Post from John Darnielle)
Serendipity






Happy Father's Day, son!
When the world is your oyster, son, kick sand in its face.


The neighbor made parole. No shit. He moved to Maine and works in a tampon factory. He'll be back next week, though, and wants to say hello. He's bringing his cribbage board. It's always good to be gainfully employed.

Which reminds me. When your bosses start taking your work responsibilities away from you and don't tell you what's going on, do not fret. This generally means that they are hiring you a Surprise Intern and a couple of assistants. If your job was your birthday, your employers would have you walk into your house after work to find your spouse banging the Meat Truck Boy on the pool table and then they'd jump out from behind the bumpers shouting "Surprise! No Penetration! Happy Birthday!"

Unorthodox though they may be, they will always be faithful with the no-penetration clause. Get a job. Tube Sox.

Remember that road trip to Nebraska you took when you were 20? Trixie called. The twins are seven now. Can you imagine that? She also mentioned something about not knowing you were black. Payment is due on the 15th, and so is she.

One time, in college, I experimented with a new brand of soap. After drying off, I thought I had developed Elephantitis of the Penis. Shitz was hulking! Feed me peanuts and call me Jumbo.

Finally put the new fence in. Lots of digging. Found a prom dress and some jewelry from Claire's. Gave ‘em to Mom. Do you know anything about this?

Took what musta been a 14-inch long crap yesterday. You should have seen it. It wrapped around the bowl! I took pictures and put them up on my blog. Check ‘em out. And leave me a comment, will you? You never comment on my blog.

In other news, it doesn't look like your sister will be coming around anytime soon. We thought we'd see her in a few months, but then Mom's womb fell out in the shower. Had to call a plumber.

Hope all is well. Happy Father's Day, son!

Love,
Dad

P.S. xoxo

P.P.S. Does the "xoxo" sound gay?

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