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post #198
bio: chris

first post
that week

Previous Posts
On Sting (and other crap)
Things I Say to My Dad, Because (like myself) He Thinks, Irrationally, He's Going to Die Soon
Why Hipstamatic Was Invented
Happy Mother's Day, Y'all
Black Pear Tree (Guest Post from John Darnielle)

How I'll Make My Millions
I've wanted to get rich for quite a long time now. Not that having an assload of money has ever been a huge goal of mine. But not having to go to work and being able to get up late every day, well, that is a huge goal. And one I haven't been spending enough time trying to accomplish.

But today, a conversation in the chatbot between 3pk, Dorf, JB and I inspired my imagination to reach new heights. With their help, I had discovered the concept that would, once and for all, make me independently wealthy and I would never have to wake up before 11 AM again.

I must genetically engineer a bunny that poops chocolate in time for the Easter holiday shopping season.

I cannot believe that a chocolate-pooping bunny has not been invented yet. I mean, a bunny that poops chocolate! How perfect is that? It practically sells itself. Hell, it's just like Pez, only with the candy coming out the other end.

In fact, I bet it was the very reason Jesus died for us all up there on the cross.

I can just hear him now.

"Forgive them father, for they know not what they do. I give myself up to you on this day, O Heavenly Father, so that someday mankind will remember my sacrifices with the image of a gift-bearing bunny. And one day they will take your hoppy creation and genetically alter it to poop chocolate. Do this in memory of me."

("Hmm... are these nails new? I haven't had my tetanus shot, and a messiah with lockjaw is practically useless.")

Think of the possibilities. Feed the bunny coconut, and it will shit Mounds. Feed it nuts and raisings Wham! Chunky. Feed the bunny peanut butter, and it will scatter Reese's pieces all over the place.

(Note to self, name that bunny "Reese".)

Every family will want one. This will be the Furby, the Tickle Me Elmo, and the Teddy Ruxpin all rolled into one. But with edible poop.

So I emailed a friend of mine, an MIT graduate, with my proposal to see if he thought this could be done. The two of us have been trying to create some sort of business plan together for a while now, and I thought this would be the perfect way to get that ball rolling.

He emailed me back with:

"We'd then need it to internalize its other waste matter, which would mean that it would be the ugliest, smelliest bunny in the history of evolution."

This would take more planning than I thought. So I took my coffee outside where I could clear my head and try to recall everything I know about Bioengineering without inhibition.

Until Chinese Elvis wandered up to me and asked where he could find a Cantonese restaurant.

I didn't know of any in the area, so I gave him driving directions to Canton, Massachusetts. I told him just to pick a restaurant, any restaurant. They're all good.

That made me feel good about myself.

Just then a man passed by me, wheeling his little puppy dog in a wheelchair around in circles.

This made me want to listen to "Dog on Wheels" by Belle and Sebastian, so I went inside, put on my headphones, and tried to distinguish which chromosomes affect a bunny's digestive tract.

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