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post #260
bio: chris
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3/8/2007
14:42

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Previous Posts
On Sting (and other crap)
Things I Say to My Dad, Because (like myself) He Thinks, Irrationally, He's Going to Die Soon
Why Hipstamatic Was Invented
Happy Mother's Day, Y'all
Black Pear Tree (Guest Post from John Darnielle)
Serendipity






Bow Thy Heads, for You are in the Presence of Greatness
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, esteemed colleagues and fellow citizens of this great nation -- the time has come for you all to pay homage to one of your own. I realize that upon reading what I have to say next, your lives will change instantly. Some of you may become intimidated by presence. Others of you will ask me for an autograph. Still, others may want to kill me, jealous of my greatness.

For you see, it has been decreed on high that I am the 77,052nd Greatest Actor of All-Time. That's right. ALL FREAKING TIME.

Hopefully, some of you are still able to read this. If you are just wait. The amazing thing is, only a few weeks ago I was ranked as low as 77,129. I have jumped 77 places in the past few weeks without having done ANY ACTING WHATSOEVER! In fact, I haven't acted in anything since... wait for it... 2003.

You may be wondering how such a thing is possible. Well, I have a simple answer. You see, since I've been away from the Silver Screen so long, the movie-going public's raving desire for more Honky has diminished all others' performances in their eyes. Everyone got suckier, while I got better, just be doing nothing at all.

Seriously, though, for a second. This thing is ridiculous. I mean, how can I be the 12,221st greatest Action actor of all time (out of 40,049 -- eat THAT, Ke Huy Kwan!) but only the 18,185th (out of 23,910) best Adventure actor? What gives? Action. Adventure. They go hand in hand.

But if you think I'm awesome at action and if you don't, you don't know what you're missing just check out how awesome I am in fantasy. That's right.7,181st out of 17,076 All Time.

I'm your Man of Action. I'm your Fantasy. Boo to the motherfucking yeah.

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