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post #273
bio: chris

first post
that week

Previous Posts
On Sting (and other crap)
Things I Say to My Dad, Because (like myself) He Thinks, Irrationally, He's Going to Die Soon
Why Hipstamatic Was Invented
Happy Mother's Day, Y'all
Black Pear Tree (Guest Post from John Darnielle)

Friends, Internets, and Balls
Since February 2005, I've had this internet friend from a message board usually filled with dumb-asses... but, uh, I'd stay up til 5 in the morning drunk-posting with this guy and then IMing with him all day about the Red Sox. Still do.

Never met him, but I consider him a good friend.

Anyways, here's the end of an email correspondence during last night's Sox game. Sports isn't important here, for all you non-sports fans. I'll just leave it at that.

No, they aren't going to win every game. I've come to realize this. But when it's my man Ez against Jeff Motherfucking Weaver, the worst pitcher I've seen since the heyday of Bob Stanley... this hurts.

It probably hurts more because it's like 12:40 and I'm sitting here watching the game on fucking Gamecast with a beer and some chicken, not caring about work. Not caring about getting fat. Just caring that they get Ez off the hook. What can I say? It's Pride Week here in NYC, and I'm a proud Ezbian. And his magic has run out. It makes me sad. The poor, crazy, starving bastard. While the fucking Yankee fans are jizzing all over the crappy lot of Clippard, Desalvo, JOBATA (who have yet to do anything above A-ball, I might add) the fact that a shitty journeyman insane dude that every Sox fan hated 9 months ago looked able to carry the staff for a while had me all giddy.

I dunno, after 2004, I got a little soft. I didn't care as much as I used to in 2005. Maybe part of that was because Pedro was gone. And Lowe. (no matter how much I bad mouthed him, that motherfucker was balls like I've never seen during the playoffs. Except for Foulke. He was wicked balls. Never forget. Never forget Keith Foulke. May he rest in peace/) And I could never fully get behind Wells and Clement, no matter how much I tried to rationalize it. And 2006... well, you were there with me for that when it all went down the shitter.

But looking at the standings now... Christ. Fuck it. 2004 kind of came out of the blue. Sox in on a roll as the wild card. Blew threw the Angels. Went down 3-0 to the Yanks and came all the way back... but, you know, maybe I'm being a sentimental jerkoff here, but 2004... that was for all of us. Our dads. Our grampas. People who had been waiting for that forever but never got it. That was for them. Blahblahblahdefuckindah.

This year... as I'm writing this we're 11 and a half games up in the division in late June... I want the Sox to motherfucking destroy every team in their wake. And as much as we have to bitch about so far, the Sox are pretty much destroying the competition right now, on the whole. And I want it this way. I want to bury the motherfucking goddamned piece of shit Yankees for every douchebag who was bigger than me in grade school that smacked me on the forehead for wearing a Sox cap. For calling me a choker when I was 8. I want them to run over every goddamned team in MLB and I don't want it to be close. I don't want those goddamned Sox-obsessed Oakland A's fans like Fernandez crying "waaa! payroll!" I don't want those fucking National League fans bitching about "ooohhh, we're just a quadruple-A team but we won the World Series with 83 wins."

I'm fucking sick of the haters, and I want to shut them all the fuck up.

I want the Sox (Red) to win every goddamned game this year and run away with the whole goddamn thing. Just to shut everyone the fuck up. Leave no question. No room for debate. I want them destroyed.

As a fan, I got my "holy shit, they won" in '04. As a person, I want my Fuck You in 2007.

I'm afraid this is where I lose you. You see, as I've said to you before, I'm a big fan of this John Darnielle/Mountain Goats guy. Well BLAH! And as lame, innacurate, and just plain wrong as it is to make Beowulf references here... well, he has this song called Grendel's Mother, which, as you can probably tell... How fucking pissed was Grendel's Mother? Never mind how it turned out... HOW FUCKING PISSED WAS GRENDEL'S MOTHER?

Anyways, he sings the song from Grendel's Mother's point of view, before she fought Beowulf. So the outcome had not been determined yet.

Forget "Tessie". Forget "Dirty Water". I propose that the Red Sox fight song for 2007 be Grendel's Mother.

the cave mouth shines
by pure force of will
i look down on the world
from the top of this lonesome hill
and you can run, and run some more
from here all the way to singapore
but i will carry you home in my teeth

in the great hall you drink red wine
you chew meat off the bone
i beat down the new path to the castle
i come naked and alone
i laid my son on the bier, i burned the wreath
fire overhead, water underneath
you can stand up or you can run
you and i both know what you've done
and i will carry you home
i will carry you home
i will carry you home in my teeth

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