I skipped last night's State Of The Union address; assumed it would be another boring laundry list. Now, I am deeply upset, since I missed The President's mention of human-animal hybrid cloning.
"Wha!!!??" I said aloud, doing a spit-take with my Italian Wedding soup at lunch. Human-animal hybrids. No foolin'? At first, I thought that this was yet another funny Bush-ism, but I did a little research and these hybrid people-beasties have been written about in publications as reputable as the Washington Post and National Geographic. So it's true.
The mind boggles at this. It is so sci-fi and wondrous and 'Island of Dr. Moreau" evil.
I'm thinking about the end of the all volunteer, all-too-human army. Instead of losing valuable "human" lives in pointless illegal military actions (I refuse to call it a war - if we warred with Iraq, we won a while ago; now we're just talking about a long, messy, poorly planned claen-up. By not calling it a war, I can thereby debunk all of W.'s bad legal reasoning for his executive branch hijinks. No war, no legal wiretapping. Case closed.), we can actually breed a new army; one that has tremendous, extra-human capacities in a ground war. Imagine soldiers with the ferocity of the wolverine, the eyesight of a hawk, the nose of a bllodhound, the speed of a cheetah, the strength of a gorilla, the pack mentality of wolves, the navigational acumen of a carrier pigeon, and the ability to breathe underwater like the fish of our choosing. These super-soldiers (who, lucky for our poor consciences, have a mere half-a-soul or less, being only partly human, so that we can stop whining about death tolls and casualty lists), combined with our superior military technology, would make us unstoppable. Our only concern is cost, and I am sure that good ole American private enterprise can come up with some cheap cloning methods if given proper government incentives and an immodest profit margin. Think of the unemployed manufacturing sector of our population. Soon, they can get back to work making half-human, half-animal super soldier babies. I'm not even mentioning the job opportunities for many ex-servicemen and women that will be arise from the need to train this new freak army.
Unstoppable. Think of it. It sounds better than stoppable. No wonder G.W. already has studied up on these latest scientific developments (despite his obvious willful ignorance about such issues as a rapidly changing climate or the fairly widely held belief in the theory of evolution. Giant storms and loose polar caps tend to happen randomly and can't be sicced on rogue nations at will - unlike our fabulous new Super Army).
I have to go now. I have a lot of work to do planning for my hybrid pet store. Who wouldn't want a cute kitten or puppy that you teach to talk? I smell money!