Well, I could tell you about my birthday freshman year of college where my parents bought me KFC which we ate in the lounge in my dorm and then proceeded to tell me that they had had to put our dog to sleep, but that's a bum out.
So, I guess I'll tell you about the Naked Rattlesnake.
It was a while back, because most of the people involved live in New York now, and we were all living in Boston at the time. But I decided to go on a bit of a bender that year, so I just told everyone to meet me at a bar. So we'd been there a while already when my friends Patrick and Eugene showed up. Them dudes are comedians. Comedians like to be funny. They said they had to stop at Store 24 and that's why they were late (so, apparently Store 24 will make you a couple hours late. Please plan accordingly.) That's when I noticed they were carrying a brown paper bag. "Did you get me porn?" I asked, sort of half jokingly. Their faces dropped. I guess I wasn't supposed to be able to get that. They had gotten me a copy of Tight, one of your Barely Legal type magazines. (Yes, I could have linked, but I'm not posting n00dz today.) Anyway, the magazine contained the headline "Pop my chocolate cherry!" which led to much jollity. Then I noticed the two of them whispering in the waitress' ear. This could not have been good, but I had had a few cocktails, so my Spider Sense had gone from being little lines over my head, to being little bubbles over my head. Or I had just turned into Andy Capp. But anyway, I hadn't worried about it until the waitress put a drink in front of me that I hadn't ordered. "What's this? I asked. "It's a Naked Rattlesnake," she said. "What the hell is that?" I asked. "It's mostly tequila," she said, "and I think a little Sprite to take the edge off." Mind you, this was in a pint glass. And they totally had not put much Sprite in there. Still, it cost like $16, so I felt bad and tried to drink it. I think I may even have gotten about halfway through. And at that point, I remember three things (and nothing else): 1. At some point I left the bar and said goodnight to everyone 2. Halfway home I tried to use the Copley Mall bathrooms, but as it was like 1:30am, they were closed 3. I peed in some alley somewhere.
Then I woke up the next day, and didn't actually feel all that bad. A birthday miracle.