"In emotional relationships, Capricorn rising will develop an extremely tender, sensitive, and caring quality once committed to a long-term emotional relationship, picking up here the influence of its polar or opposite sign in the Zodiac, Cancer. Thus the loyalty of Capricorn is enhanced, and the emotional level increased in the best possible way."

That above is the only positive thing I garnered out of my internet quest at calming my fears. If a sound could define me right now, it would be maniacal nervous giggles with my hand periodically clamped over my mouth. Ah the woe today is money and future.

My beloved husband and I are in a money bind, but this is not news - just at the forefront currently. Even Mark's back-up job option is less money that a starting teacher would make - and it's only a hypothetical situation. We just found out the tenants have heat problems. Worst case scenario is $800. We have $3000 in our bank account to last for the foreseeable future. Blah blah blah, anyway it's a frightening sitch for me - the control/money freak. The saddest thing is that we might be put in a situation of desperation where we would have to be separated for long periods of time again - the only even tentative job offer at this point involves moving back to NYC (which sux). With the recession and such, even being an assistant manager at Circuit City/Home Depot is out as a backup plan (fifty people in line ahead of you with retail experience).

We'll make it, of course, unless death separates us. The annoying problem is that this is one of those times in your life when big decisions that affect your future must be made. It's not one of those "fall into it" life changes or go with the flow and stay in your comfortable rut. We've got to make big choices and deal with the consequences.

Dude, life can be heavy. So, I went to do something I haven't done in months and months - got my online tarot reading (fourthdimension.net). It was all about misery and loss of job and money with a foundation of a golden brown-haired/blue eyed woman. I've never had a negative tarot reading before. What a nice time to have my first! Oh, it's all a lesson.

I'm also a bit on the f- this opinion on writing to you. I've had sooooooooo much negativity come from it. I don't think the "just a girl in Wilmington writing thoughts to the nameless, vast, anonymous internet" side of it is very true. In fact, I often feel that this is just read by "friends" of mine who are curious about "what I'm going to say about them or people they know". While I'd love to have someone rescue me by giving my husband a job, it seems that I really just get the ole "I can't believe you said that you sanctimonious harlot" verbiage. I'm just telling my truth here (wearily). It doesn't matter a bit to me if you read it or not. To me, writing is therapy. I would be writing this and erasing it were there not a place to put it.

This old hat.

(Of course, a vein of me is thinking "doesn't anyone love me BETTER for hearing me talk real instead of the blather I do to your face. I sure wish that I could see behind other's mirrors." And then a vein of me feels that I'm a joke. A buffoon. A fool.)

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words from Kristen

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