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Why is the measure of love loss indeed.
So many regrets.
Stupid decisions choices
rack 'em up bobbo
do you know why I write to you and why I dropped my navy leather bound journal when sobbing from the realization that it's over. it's done.
because it's like Blaine said, I KNOW the shower curtain will never open on that blue journal. the most read it will get is if I were to die unexpectedly and those cleaning up my effects might wonder "who she"... I know that my sobbing never ending fooking sad heart will never get hugged in my own blood flesh mattered feedback loop. It's seeking him all the time or her or one of them. It's always the fucking baby with me. I'm always the lost toddler trying to understand why the world is the way it is and my goodness, reading the concept of Mentalization by Peter Fogerty it blew my goggles. It explains perfectly the broken mirror and how people like me just have kind of been raised by wolves or raised by lord of the flies. The only info I got was "hmmmm, these folks seem sad, angry, chaotic as shit, and the corporal punishment the father gives just kills me while the mother just sits there and goes boys will be boys".
I haven't done it in a long time, but today I beat on the bed. In the things of my ex-husband's I packed (and yes I cried writing that for the first time) I came across a riding crop. I used to whack the golf club
god, I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. please forgive me. please forgive me. please forgive me. I loved you. I love you. I loved you. thank you for trying.
I'm gonna go weep now and write in blue journal. feel so weak.
now uno.
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