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I was to be grading papers this evening, but the portal was broken for me, alas. so I'll just be in love with the cat and the sunshine and ponder it all.
for about seven hours I've been thinking of living in fucking macon. it's the stupidest place, and I hated its landlocked hot hell for much of my life, but perhaps I am just getting my mother's perception: she hate macon.
and the nostalgia and sense of suffocation and claustrophobia in this life layered with all the triggered ghosts of my past cause me much anxiety.
god, I miss Andrew if just for the comfort stability of having a "thing": Andrew just was too passive... there it could be the fault of everything.
now, it's me with very few energy points and trying to find a new place to land, yet please god this blatant repetition is giving me pains. But what would macon be - my birthplace - the place my parents met. the place of Cherokee oppression. would I meet cool people in the downtown bar? would I find a car? would I be the same here?
you know what I'm going to miss the most and what still hurts...
I think I've told you before: all the plants I'll have to say adieu to. Learning that LCD sound system is a trigger band. Reminds me of times with Andy.
anger is
so much easier than
sadness.
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