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primarily, this is the day I came home for lunch and found Padz screaming in pain rushing her in a Lyft that ran all lights as we euthanized her in the surgery room with strangers surrounding her. Since then, I've learned that most all pet owners have guilt. For me, I wanted her out of pain. I have been and can still weep in profound sorrow and sadness for the life I doled out for her. It was - having her - with me... it was everything.
today is also the day I still have to start grading papers for Pearsons. got to pay that tax bill. and then might have to eat cows for the ability to sell my plasma. It's not like I've never eaten one before, yet I'm quite respectful now that I know they are so emotional.
Selling blood is weird. But I was going to write you about something else I had thought.
Something Wilmington.
I have the tree that was outside my balcony as my background screensaver. And I just sold the shoes that I ordered to wear to my wedding reception with Andrew. I sold them for $11, and of course now I want to keep them.
it's been hard.
if I visualize it, it's a tree-laden older community with a balcony. I'm tempted to lie and just move to Wilmington and give it a try. I hate this apartment building less.
Technical support for the new job just hung up on me.
my rejection sensitivity is shot through the floor, yet hmmm....
distractions abound.
so far, no path - only accumulating funds and shedding debt. it saddens me when I sell my precious things but oh well.
and getting Padz in Brighton Beach although we always said it was Coney Island and going there for a tan one and going back to get a grey. She was the light of my known life, and I did not know how to well care for her alone. When I get angry, it is always at myself for failing you - for being a fool when you needed me to lead you out of the doom like I promised with my face that one time....
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