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Two things upset her this almost last day of another month to endure and try to not cry every still moment like now... reeling from the shock blast of it all.
She opened the messy drawer and saw a tiny piece of the glitter nail polish from the days when she had that nail polish and lived in a world where she just bitched about her uninvolved lazy entitled husband while wondering when the next stone will roll. The chip of glitter nail polish floored her. Why? she remembered that hope of it. It had been from when Andrew bought a bunch of nail polish for the girls to do their nails on their wedding trip / honeymoon to palmetto bluff. It recalled fond memories.
She had always had to be on the way to buzzed with both of them around. both spouses. it was the anxiety she thought of not being authentic.
She recalled when reading that bit in her schooling that the therapist had to be an authentic person in order to do the work, and she was like "oh shit". Her doctor wouldn''t give her a lung cancer test though she''d asked two and told them about her grandfather dying of lung cancer. In fact, it reminded her to try a little harder.
She had that tattoo on her back that her sister mentioned she never sees. She just texted her sister "it''s all good" in answer to her sister telling her to stay in the moment and not get too scared of the prospect of homelessness and crazed solitude in old age - like their uncle bobby. and then of course to be a cousin Charlotte from ''a room with a view'' another sort of death but marginally better.
the other thing that made her sad - upset her apple cart was the needing of something external to validate her. It was so hard to get internal validation.
Today she worried about new things. It was always something.
In the whole paycheck that she wasn''t boycotting anymore because she''s so down she has no room to maneuver, the check out lady said sin might be ignoring a light when it turns on. She would be indeed the wounded healer if she dared to put it out there and be a mental health worker. She had gotten her degree. She had done it with the skinniest of teeth and she had almost flubbed on the finish line, yet done it she had. One of the proudest objects on her shelf wasn''t the master''s degree it was the certification - the number.
It had been a weird year. and it wasn''t even yet a full twelve months. Today being the 29th, on June 29th she had been in Charleston by herself walking the streets and loving it with a buzz that was purely her childhood Kristen inside eagerly looking out of all the cracks peering over and dragging her hand ''let''s go! let''s go!". She was in her favorite city in the world and she was about to graduate school and her sister had used this time to celebrate her as she had mistakenly thought she graduated in the summer. It had been an epically beautiful trips. One of her regrets was that because of whatever happened to her happening, she never got a chance to show off her slides to the kids or to really talk about her trip with Andrew. it started with her taking shrooms probably. Like with mark it started with watching the movie "closer". she had that same avoidance of it - acting numb about the problem maybe sort of like her mum did at times. For important things, it''s harder to face than tinier things. So perhaps you''re more frustratingly numb.
She tried to remember what it was like when she came out of the shower and panicked that time at his old apartment. She tried to feel that shame and remembrance of being rewarded for enforcing the shell - as T. swift called it "that never-needy ever-loving jewel whose light reflects on you". He had been enraptured with the geisha and she had caught him on his beginning journey of Cialis so he probably did indeed feel that she had reinvigorated his teenage years like he had always wanted to. He was a teenager as he wanted to be with her.
The part that puzzled her was that this had been part of the deal. She was going to accept him for the flaws he had and he was going to accept her for hers. They had gone beyond all that she had thought uselessly.
What does it matter that part says to her. What does it matter? it''s all dead. She can flicker on the ashes and get a tiny spark sometimes from the kids yet it was done. The plan B. the doldrums of being in a reality you had thought would be completely different and the universe sort of corroborates the plan is all odd. She cried yesterday with her cat on her lap. she cried because it had been everything she had ever wanted as a little girl - to be able to read books and have a cat on her lap (she had been v. allergic to cats as a child in the time before albutural inhalers... and she had wanted alone time... and a part of her knew when she left her home on the lake Merritt the last time that this time will never come again.
c''est la vie. c''est la sea. c''est la ie...
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