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she was all the way heavy.
heavy
heavy
still with the loss of him.
still.
she had all these memories of him - all these thoughts in her head. maybe she had so little to replace it with - like a young child.
the tomato plant that had been doing so well now had a band of brown leaves. maybe it was time to end the season anyway. it had been way better than last year's "one" tomato - although it hadn't tasted that great. oh well. life and life. the usual shit.
a different day
hooray to be alive.
and
---
you'd mock me so much about the cats.
I hear you, but you also wouldn't get involved.
it wouldn't be your style to get involved in anything.
especially this early.
my mom reminded me that she and my stepdad met in January and married that August.
it was a contrast for sure.
I'd - and I say this all the time - never had something so fitting that fizzled so ... it was weird. and you were my first relationship/love in a million years. I guess I was way rusty. next time, although I won't be looking or rather I hope I'm not so corrective on the next one that I overcompensate yet I hope to say something like
"I've been burned by trying to infer from actions the way someone is feeling - not that you have to pay for that - but I feel so awkward having to ask - I have felt you pulling away, and I was wondering if you could tell me if I'm off base."
god what's a keep it simple thing. so many words. let's try again.
"I'm embarrassed to want reassurance, and it feels awkward to ask, but I also don't want to waste our time. I've felt you pull away. Are you still in this with me? or are you looking for other options?"
better.
it would have saved? exactly what.
well, it would have saved everything in my arrogant opinion.
I wouldn't be in this seven month and counting mire where I go "wait, that was something."
and the glee you had to go on location.
and I thought it was adorable you were a flirt
it was/is you.
and the easy comforting father you seemed.
I loved it.
and the high school reunion you had.
I'm sure you were the life of the cool parties.
and I lost you in my world.
going from zero to death mach 1000 throttle with barely a tell.
what a brutal cost.
not even to be able to just blab it all out with you - be safe and say the things
I can't remember ever loving someone and doing that
editing myself so much in real time - usually that's what I love about them - they're people I don't have to do that with.
but you're odd.
you're unique.
you're irreplaceable
and here I'll go trying because fucking god knows this soft skin needs touching again before its laid to rest
maybe
but right now, I'm not thinking of that.
I had a nice man who loved me. a worthy man who gave me everything - almost comically so - that you did not
and
that was sad to cut
that love
that
and I wondered if you had felt the same way at first
but then I stopped caring about your part in it and just did what I would have wanted done to me
in full retrospect
"kristen, girl - you is fine. you is lovely. I wish the world for you. we can talk on the phone once in a while and catch up if you want - but there's really no point is there. I think we've talked about all the cogent topics, and I just don't see a future with you. I loved our time together, and I think I'm done. I know I'm done."
oh and let's fucking imagine me again. ouch. responding.
"wow. I never really feel like we even got our rhythm, and it's over so soon. I didn't even get to tell you anything except my thoughts on various balls you tossed me ...and no more walks in the woods? I loved those. I love you."
and let's ponder his pithy posit, "oh kristen. I understand how you feel. I'm sorry. I'm not in a place to talk about it - ever ever ever will I be. but lady friend, I wish really good things for you."
"tell me more about how you understand how I feel."
"got to go."
"I'm shocked."
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