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She couldn't even decide if this should be in first or third person - much less whether she should write yet another slice about her pa - her pops.
today was his birthday.
the first thought always with daddy is: betrayal
she wondered why for fifty years.
she never found out why - maybe he had been abused. maybe he was insane and really thought his deeds historical like the vikings, maybe he was just fundamentally selfish and a power-hungry sex addict - always trying to use something to fill the hole.
what did it matter to anyone. it mattered to her.
why?
because it's like a dog that was kicked as a puppy - for the rest of its life, it flinches. even though it tries to do it less - to trust more - to let the past go ta ta!
she had told Claire about what her dad had done to her sister. she totally fucking forgot that Claire had a connection to her sister, but it added essential context when someone asked, "are you jealous of your sister?"
there was a dam in that flow.
was she jealous of her sister? initially, she claims to not have a right to be jealous of her sister because of what her sister went through - and how Narcissi was always the adored "pretty" one. It would be like begrudging an orphan another bowl of gruel.
she looks at her sister's life and can't imagine how she could life it - so much business. the key thing is the validation. both sisters get it exclusively from outside themselves.
which is a flaw.
of course she was jealous of her sister's access to money - her security.
she was also jealous of her coolness - how she could compartmentalize. it astounded her a bit. Narcissi was so very different. She saw everything. She remembers clinging to her father's leg begging him begging him to spank her instead of her siblings. He was like a slathering animal ready to get his power - laughing as he plucked her off and headed to the punishment.
of course if he had died when she was four, she would have deified her father and used his death as an excuse - putting "but my dad died when I was four" in her back pocket.
she almost wished he had died before she was born - that would have also saved her sister. second best would be to have died before he betrayed her.
but he had lived. her sister asked her one day, "do you remember that time daddy threatened to kill himself and drove into the water."
"I don't even remember you being there, but of course I remember screaming at him grabbing at him wailing 'I LOVE YOU DADDY. PLEASE STOP' over and over and being terrified that he was going to do it."
He had driven his second (of five) wife and his two daughters into the water - a boat ramp - saying he was done with life and that nobody loved him and that he was going to end it. we were welcome to jump out of the car, but he was going to kill himself. Narcissi was about seven. she completely believed it.
He laughed at them all when he was done with his show.
she didn't even recognize it as horrific until later. it was just one of the stories.
like the "you can't love two daddies. you have to pick him or me."
"I pick you Daddy."
and thus started to hide. and hide. and hide.
no one ever looked.
but she was here.
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