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fool foolish me. so much money spent on things that are given away or sold for fractions of what I outlaid.
my life feels
doom.
trying to cling to hope.
I mean in really really really land, I hope that
I finally get a little bit of piece when I get to the
land of my birth
It has been a year I've had to be numb
as fuck
to
function as survive.
Getting rid of the sewing machine - singer iron with the phoenix built in the first part of the 20th century (1900's for people like me) - tears are running down my turkey gobble old lady neck ... because
when I bought that sewing machine. It was when I lived in a different land. I lived in safety, security, monotony. I was defined by Andrew - named for andro - first man. I purchased it because I thought I would own it forever. My partner/husband loved things. It was something I took when I vampired him.
"it's so weird. You and Andrew never talked after that night"
Oh mother, but it was such a night.
I think that he showed a side of himself that he had never imagined. Me? I just saw that I had a lot of rage towards Andrew that I had been suppressing. I think I also took out my dad on him. I know that I'm supposed to be over it - allways - and it is getting less acute... but I'm telling you. When I found out my dad had done that - I lost my motherfucking mind. Then I trashed my exoskeleton of a marriage husk. Now I sit here like the Vietnam war wondering what it's all for.
But I've got all of Maycomb to go crazy.
Yet, and... no one would ever want to go crazy.
What I want to do is unclench. Relax. Be kind. Have a chance to love and be loved ... by my mom and ... sister and ... brother.
Risk? what is life but risk.
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