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I failed at Worldle tm for the first time today. I took it as an omen that the day was going to
bite.
I can handle this. I just have to not talk to anyone and get through he moments.
From the first moment I laid eyes on you - I loved you. Well, it was actually from the first moment you spoke. You were so very familiar to me. It feels like we never quite got our footing because I could never relax - fuck, I'm not going to blame myself for everything all the time.
The orange cat is sick.
I'm not going to do anything about it except I'm going to buy it wet food and hope for life continuing.
My pants that I've been wearing for four days straight smell like a body.
If god allows, I'll touch your body and get to say goodbye to you today. I don't want to cry anymore. I cried for two days straight. I'm not going to say that Christmas was ruined. I chose to be alone - the usual.
and inside, I can even hear him - that little boy wanting me to stay to hug him to hold his hand.
Fuck, I'm sure I'm delusional. I've been quite the actress - the bad actress - or is the correct word actor now - even if it's a female. I've been quite the poor actor - wondering if I could pull off my most rewarding role: the cool girl.
No nominations will arrive. Heck, I may not even make it into the weekly magazine I laughed at getting into. It's all OK. There's nothing I could have done any differently. I played.
theoretically, you're coming to see me today. You'll wait until the last possible minute. I'll go buy some beer and tequila .... and wet cat food - in hopes.
It's OK. I don't know if I would trust me either.
The big dark flock of birds keeps circling the premises. The sun is finally coming out. It was looking like a winter day and feeling like a spring one.
It amazes me a bit how numb I am. I did cry a little in the bathtub and cried a tiny bit rehearsing my last line in our play: "I'm not cool being a placeholder. I'm not cool with you seeing other people. I've been acting like I was, and I can't do it anymore."
The part I'll leave out is that I love you and for the rest of my life I'll treasure knowing that you're out there. It would be great if we could have been friends, but no FUCKING way will I sit there and act cool while you dream of the next placeholder's potential.
fuck that.
you're mine.
It will take me a long time to get back on my feet, but maybe I'll pretend to do it sooner.
I'll forget some of them, but I wanted to mention my favorite parts of you: I loved your boundaries - I loved that you could say no and when you said yes I didn't have to look after you. I loved your mind like I've never loved a mind before (well, Egbert's was similar). I loved your walking in the woods. I actually admired your social acumen. I thought you were beautiful. I loved the way you spoke to and about your sons. I liked how you never bad-mouthed anyone. and you know I adored your fucking New York Times crossword habit. You had the strongest arms I'd ever touched.
I can handle this.
Who knows, you might even decide to let me in again.
that hurts to write, but I'll let it lie.
play on players.
I can't end this. I don't want to. When I stop writing, it will be a finite thing. Ooof, here come the tears. was waiting for them.
I'm sorry I lied to you. I'm sorry I never felt safe taking my mask off with you - except maybe when I was drunk and I'm hella sorry for being so drunk. It doth take a whole load of medicine for me to pretend like I'm somebody else.
Thanks for - well I wrote an entire thing about the things I was grateful to you for - but thanks for the money thing and the writing thing...
I'm not going to end this...
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