|
the neighbor kids were back from their summer vacation and don't have to go to school as early as the macon public schools. they both have a friend over. the little boy had one yesterday. the girls are swinging and talking on the yard swing. the boys are screaming and kicking balls in the back yard.
"I threw my arm out in baseball."
"You played baseball?"
"I played football and baseball."
"and now you have a trick arm that excuses you from being better". She laughed. they had played frisbee and football on the Wrightsville beach. she was so fucking in love it made her pores glow. seriously, you can look at fotos - if she kept any - from that wilmington trip. her face is lit up like a firecracker.
she had always assumed he would make an excuse not to come. he wasn't giving her the signals she wanted, and god knows she wasn't asking.
ten months later, she's been broken up with whatever it was for seven months. it has lasted almost six months - just short a few days. she loved six months better than five months. it had mattered to her.
fucking obviously.
the day was great. the cicadas were quieting down. it had rained a bit in the night - greening every thing up.
she had decided to get Pina coladas because she saw them and it reminded her of when she was kind of hopeful. they got her drunk. as you do. she texted him again. and again. it embarrassed the fuck out of her. she ordered a turkey sandwich with provolone and banana peppers delivered. she was ridiculous.
everything was ridiculous.
her yard certainly wasn't the worst, but it wasn't great. she should have cut it this morning and then taken a damn shower - a quick utilitarian one. she must be done with baths for some reason. she just couldn't stomach laying there in the tepid water with it's slightly stained shell. no more of it. or at least that was the excuse. it was really something more strange - something like she didn't want to cry any more than she had to.
it was august.
this time last year, she had been shopping for bathing suits - buying two after rejecting one. she wanted it the perfect yellow, and we all know that's hard to achieve.
today, her friend's son was going off to college. she knew of so many friend's kids doing their thing - and her stepson. her ex-stepson. her friend had said, "girl, I was supposed to get my hair cut and just texted the hairdresser that I've already had two drinks and a gummy. I am not doing well."
Kristen replied, "well shit, you have a friend. you can say honest things to." Kristen realized she would never fucking tell - but wanted more than anything someone she'd tell it to - maybe Toni herself - or Kent. or Karen - but to be so casually confidently honest, it was fascinating.
"I guess. she's not that great of a friend."
she knew this was going to be epic. Toni's kid was an only child - father never mentioned. Kristen once took him when his mom needed some time, and had him play video games with the step son and realized how much - how very much - he carried his mother. she tried to distract him and let him know it was ok to feel. that was about it for their relationship beyond watching him play in the yard when she'd go visit. he was a good kid.
remembering going to brumby - driving away from home that time she went to college - to Athens of course. for some reason, probably because she insisted, her mom or parents didn't come with her. she did it alone - the car was packed. she was driving away, and she remembers thinking distinctly, "oh wow. this is where I become an adult."
to her, she had only just learned to drive.
it felt like.
and she remembered that he was one of those people who had to teach himself how to drive. she loved the story, "and I would have gotten away with it to, except I parked slightly off the driveway."
people that taught themselves to drive. he was only the third one that she'd met. she found that they had a special chip on their shoulder. with good reason, but it was there - sort of the "you don't understand" deal.
the roses were fading but emitted a lovely familiar smell.
"Let's play! I'm so bored with being heavy and by myself."
"Who are you even talking to?"
does it matter.
probably.
the girls were still talking and swinging. the boys had given up kicking. kristen was wearing the clearwater shirt backwards today. she had tried on the big thief one but just couldn't bear it.
all of her.
all of her.
knew this was all done.
there was no football watching this year.
there was no aqua blue and sand tan vacation. there was nothing.
she was alone.
she could wake up every night and wonder how she got here and try to de-path the maze.
that wasn't working well.
she could try to do numbing and snoozing for the billionth time.
but mainly, she had to get some movement on these cats.
she was going to call the vet right now.
|
