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solstice: Call Me Crazy | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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›comments[0] ›all comments ›post #812 ›bio: kristen ›perma-link ›1/27/2026 ›08:17 ›archives ›first post ›that week
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texted him again last night. of course. le sigh. some people have words that they don't just use lightly. Like perhaps "fuck face" or "sassenach" or "assholy-ist asshole on planet earth". For me, it's coward. It's the meanest, most insulting, most slap I can deliver to anyone. I don't use it often. I don't use it lightly. the people that come to mind - first up daddy (fuck that coward) #2 (what a lazy coward) Others, I've been uber pissed at them, but coward - it's something that you have to earn by not standing up against ... shall I use a loaded phrase? the demon inside of you. and I've got to call myself one. Takes one to know one. I'm cowardly in that I don't allow myself to be seen. I don't put myself in .... god, I'm going to say it - the light. I hide. I pretend. I manipulate. I've got to do some real work, and I'm not at all looking forward to it. I never ever ever ever edit these things past the first hour or two that I write them. Or maybe I'll fix a typo from the ones I read all the time - like fucking "King Leon" or "Opium". I might fail. I might be rejected. again. but it's time for me to try. am I a writer or am I a writer. I show this to everyone. I show it to no one. Those things are both true. the hard part when you edit is you've got to trim trim trim. let's see if I can do it. I'll ask the robot to help me. I've got to pick 13 (why not) of my faves and put them in a little book. Comes to mind - "fawn dear", "busted epiphany"... wait. I forgot it can get a little too boring the pedantic what I'm really wrestling with is that I can't love a coward. What's he going to actually do? nothing. where has he actually gone? to his comfort zone what is he telling himself about me now? you're fucking crazy -- and sure, it's an insult that collapses my ego, but if someone I love thinks of me as crazy after knowing me for so long - fuck it. call me crazy. it's not like I'm not. my favorite was the first transgression. "narcissi, you're crazy - yes. but you're good crazy" maybe kid. maybe. RE-EDIT: "I Will Fall In Love With You" If I'm already not, I'm falling in love with you and want to revel in your potential. Unlike me, you rarely repeat your stories, and if you do - you correct yourself. You pay attention to things that I've said and show you've thought about them from later conversations. You never ask me questions about myself, and that confuses me - however, I'm also accepting of the fact that I probably like you much more than you like me. I'm sure you will remember the way I play poker: Gambling? I always just look at it as voluntary tax and try to get it over with as soon as possible. I love a dramatic win, and always am prepared to lose." "oh." I guess we won't be playing poker together much. Today is our anniversary. This time, two whole moons ago, I was nervously waiting for the starter to be replaced on my beater car so I could travel to the land of my real birth: Athens, ga. To protect me, I pretended that you were just an afterthought. It made it all much easier to digest. My favorite part was how easy it all came together after you waited. I had pretty much ignored you thinking that it was all just more empty bullshit. I kept you on the tether, but not really a bite. On Bumble, it was funny. I later learned you had falsely advertised yourself as a cliche. I was grateful that you got delayed by fires and trains. It allowed me to cool down my sweaty hot face from the July 3rd heat. With perfect timing, you showed up to my left with your shock of white hair. I had my back to the door, kind of playing hide and seek. I ached to recall the first impression my soul (or whatever) had: "hello you!" - recognizing you. We drank heartily - establishing our shy pattern. This is important to me: absolutely zero signal has been given that you're going to dump me as boring trash. It astounds me. My knees buckle and I cry kind of. Is it at all possible that you might like me back? (I could dare imagine except in my smallest part.) Our first date was a good one. I will remember it always. I got to see the hallowed Athens Globe. Unexpectedly, as I left town and you didn't really text me - nor at all that evening. I woke up at that death time - 3am - morning and fucking catastrophized. I recognized well that you were important to me, and you'd leave me, and it would hurt greatly. As protection, I deleted all your texts and would have deleted you from the Bee but that would have alerted you that I gave a shit. Why? Why would I love you? It made no logical sense. I love to think about it. - waft in it. One of my favorite secret things to do is replay all my time with you. I love how you're not a suck up at all. You're so very unusual - never any compliments to me, not shy with the criticism. When you said I dressed like a hipster, I wanted to un-wear all the cool t-shirts I had used to impress you. To jump ahead, on our third date, you reassured me thank god: "you think I don't like you? How about this then? I'm thinking of asking you to go with me to Florida to go get something my mother left me. I'm not sure, but I'm doing it." "Wow, I totally understand. that will be a huge test. We'll either like each other more, or we'll be done." "I agree." I don't think it was really any specific thing that we talked about. For me, it was more that you talked like my friends talk. I recognized you. It had been so long. When I was arrogant and younger, I had thought people like you grew on trees. Wrong of me. So heartbreakingly, lonely wrong. But there you were. I wonder why I have to warn you I'm - well, this is not my first rodeo. I'm still so ashamed to be fucking twice divorced after the tremendous sacrifice I made. My second husband - well, one of my last memories if me screaming to him "you're a fucking coward..." Leon, you are not a coward. I thought you were so brave when you told the truth to that weird lady in the cult, and I was honored that you work-shopped the whole thing with me over Pina coladas. You're very fun to get tipsy with, and it's beautiful to me that doing so reveals that you're not this stoic strong man - you're an abandoned child like I am - trying to be big. We do it a lot, but some of my favorite times with you are sitting next to you at a bar and just letting it all flow - like our globe debut revisited. We're not great at silence yet, but the safer I feel - the more I shut the fuck up. We're a lot alike although I don't often tell you that. I too care about single-use plastics and give a big shit about our world. Ah the Florida trip... I so wish I could remember what we said to each other on that drunken night. I remember waking up next to you piercing your pillow fort and saying "please forgive me for anything embarrassing I said" You replied "oh fuck. I don't even remember half of it." I didn't forget all of it though. That was the night that you told me you thought I had shit taste in music. That was a new one for me. It hurt like fear, but I still respect your honesty. You do not kiss my ass. God I wish you would sometimes, but maybe later. The shimmers of like you give me, I have to savor them because they are so rare. Back to our first date. See, I love to savor: "I can't believe we've been on this date for five hours. We've shut this bar down. Do you want to go for a walk on campus?" I did. Again, you don't care, but I loved seeing the firefly. It was out of season, and I took it as a sign. You lit me up. And having your birthday tattooed on my hand sort of. That seems odd, but I won't be able to read too much into it. I've got to be cool as a cucumber. I've got to convince you that the only way I'll ever let you in is if it's entirely of your own free will. You'll see through my seduction. I can't wait to dance with you one day - if you are still here with me in five minutes. And it's beautiful and terrifying that I have no control. The only future talk you've ever engaged in with me "maybe one day I'll take you to six flags." Sometimes, I feel like the best thing I can do for anyone is to just disappear; however, I can't be a coward. Hello...
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