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"It was like he proved to her that reality was inhabitable."
"Don't you find that's a little bit ... much?"
"Maybe, but that's what it meant to her. She felt it."
They had been discussing their friend. She had fallen apart. No one could tell very easily though because she was far away, and she controlled whether the wall was up or down.
Because she was so very open and vulnerable, it was easy to think she didn't even have a wall, but you'd be a fool. But maybe, more accurately, you'd be someone who just thought meh why bother. That must be valid. Today, she realized that all three of their domiciles were dark and perhaps cozy. She thought of them more as all pathetic - all camping out - all waiting for the light.
She talked about it incessantly, and never talked about it; but she definitely believed in magic. It was useless to describe it now, but what the fuck else was she doing besides killing time and writing dead, empty words: "he lit me up." "I was lit up." "it turned me on."
All he had to do was open his mouth and say "you're fun, but that's about all really." He had chosen to say "that's for me to know and you to never find out."
God how humiliating. She thought her entire shackle of paragraphs was all about trying to write herself out of being "not you".
And of course jack shit mattered. Did the world really give a fuck if tab a went into b or c slot. Cats marked territory when they get frightened.
Middle-aged women write shitty missives about three calla lilies blooming out of a dying plant. All of it was dull.
The only thing that she really enjoyed anymore was dwindling as well. Things always lost their novelty. She was writhing around with someone who broke her heart. He mattered, but it was brutal. He was so safe and so retro and so kind. She had told him once or twice that she was broken and using him for distraction. She had screamed at him with her body that she was starving starving starving famished desperate
for touch.
it was so mother fucking embarrassing to sell your soul and risk willing hearts for someone to really mean it when they caress your hot hip curve and hunger for your warm willing mouth.
Yet, she was sure it was what she was doing for the moment.
She had trouble getting to sleep again last night - that crazy feeling that you're alone, unconnected, unloved, and will have to depend on someone forced to pretend to care.
for some reason, having reading glasses almost caused her to weep
but that was last night.
today she was stone.
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