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"what are you complaining about Narcissi. At least you have two legs."
"oh, you're right. problem solved. thanks mom. you know what. fuck you. what's even ONE of my favorite authors. one? you don't know because my life was nothing to you. all I was tasked with doing was not bothering you. I tried so so so so so fucking hard. you're welcome."
and you
you fucking fucking fucking asshole
I just - at age fucking 54 - got on my knees and prayed to god and witches that you would leave me - that you would let me let you go - that I could stop being Atlas-si - that I could fucking drop the fucking load - that you could all handle it without me giving a shit.
I blamed you.
I felt stupid for blaming you, because I'm so old. I''m so therapized. I should know better.
I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.
why did I have you for a father.
was I worse than YOU in a past life?
Do I NEED TO SUFFER for sins I don't even remember?
why!!!!!!!!!
what if I had had even a mediocre father who played video games and drank too much beer but didn't use his children as pawns in his never-ending war against god/mother.
fuck you.
fuck me.
I hate that I am so loyal to you.
I don't understand it. Even though I'm just like you; you have qualities that are worse. YOU FUCK CHILDREN - you fuck YOUR children. YOU destroy innocence and call it "teaching your daughters sexuality like the vikings did". fuck you and your fucking intellectual fucking fucking. and you were never ever held accountable. all the women in your life let you have a pass. even me.
fuck you.
I'm glad your father cut you out of his will. YOU RAPED YOUR DAUGHTERS and DIDn'T EVER APOLOGIZE and instead just thought "why are they so ungrateful. I hope that younger one doesn't sue me."
You made me. There are parts of you that are beautiful. I keep you in a dungeon and feed you.
my life has been wrecked because I can't say FUCK YOU enough or accurately. I've been to so much therapy. you and she are always there. you the monster and her the 'oh what - nothing bothers me - don't sweat the small stuff."
I loved you.
I love you.
People would think I don't even give a fuck about my family.
they would be wrong.
I give too much of a fuck.
I am fucked up now. right this instant because I loved you. fuck you.
I changed my life so that daughter before me that you fucked
could feel
maybe maybe maybe that she could win
and what did that leave me with?
I won't tell you. (you should want to know but you don't care unless other people see)
I'd like you to figure it out yourself but YOU WILL NOT
because you keep looking in the mirror
like that fucking woman you married who gave birth to me (she's got her own rage piece)
in spite of your HOSTILE objection.
and then here I come into the fucking world.
beautiful
kind
sweet
pure
loving
innocent
and what do you all do to me?
I get all of it.
all of it
all of it.
the brother idolizes me.
the sister despises my competition
the mother is so exhausted she can only provide the bare minimum but it's very admirable.
you couldn't even provide for us
SHE DID
and she fucking ...
well, that's another rant.
but you.
you
you
fuck you daddy
fuck you so fucking hard.
fuck you
you destroyed me
why?
because I
loved
you
when I look back, they all seemed so gone - so out of it. you were the only one who looked at me. I had no fucking clue that your attention - your care - my love of you - would destroy me over and over again - wounding men. wounding me. you were the worst father. you sucked. I am scarred by you. I have a nail in my forehead. I try so hard to find love again...
and I can't stop saying "oh you don't really like me. just you wait. let's have fun for a bit, but you'll see I'm unloveable. or either I'll just run..."
fuck you
you left Joan some in shitty shell that can't do anything except care about weight and beauty and looking in the mirror. that dude she married that you said I had to reject in order to love you - well, odd huh - he didn't like that really. He never spoke to me again after I was loyal to you. He calls me a loser now and reluctantly lets me live in a house he subsidizes. He told my mother he's leaving none of your children shit in his will - thanks daddy - I'll finally get to understand you. This stepdad I got, well, he thinks your youngest daughter is ... a loser. Oh fuck him. I lost so much. I lost everything. you have no idea how much you meant to me at the time you killed us. You have no idea because you never even cared. You never even thought about me. I've read the diaries your fifth wife/attempt - your widow sent. they were... revealing.
and here I breathe. your daughter. the product of loving you - of caring about the family you created - caring very very very very much.
you taught me that anyone who loves me
could destroy me.
now, every human that ever loves me, I'm like "oh, I know how this goes. betrayal and loss. let's just get there fast. I'll try to bleed quickly and not bother you too much. want a drink?"
I hate you. I'm so very sad, and no one ever really looks. everyone just hopes I don't explode again, and I try ever so hard not to, but sometimes I remember, and I FUCKING LOSE IT
I can't believe it. after all this therapy. all these years. all our huge brains. I fucked up again.
you lost me something I really cared about because everyone I ever feel "whee!" about - I instantly have to go "shield up"
and why
you never even fucking thought about it.
just your next fucking hit of dopamine.
fuck you.
fuck me.
we are joined for life, and I pray to all things holy I can leave you to die.
so I can maybe fucking BREATHE.
oh. happy Father's Day - may you be rotting in hell (until you take accountability fucker. I never even had children because YOU BOTH WERE SUCH HORRIBLE PARENTS - but we'll all sing your praises at your funeral while we dutifully carry your horrible shame burden while you were too cowardly to even say 'I'm sorry" because it might actually cause you to go "oh wow, maybe I did fuck up". or even give us fuck you money. both of you are raging narcissists. I love you. I hate that I love you. you gave me nothing but 'figure it out yourself." fuck you. fuck y'all. we live too... thanks? did you even realize what you did...?)
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