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Played hookey today. It's the first time in three years. I got the same old mindset that I've used before. It's all cycles kids.
Learned that time is experienced different. I recalled the longness of days and the plentitude of hours when one doesn't work. Then you learn to make this go rather quickly. You get a method. It's just interesting that time is only measured.
Thought of the point of view gun again.
Old see it from theirs... mirror sees it from mirror... young see it from theirs... I see it from mine.
None of us seem what we think we are. It can't happen can it?
I ornamented myself with jane's stuff today. Her house is like a lady shoppe. I put on her lily pulitzer sundress and thought how gorgeous the scene was with the dangling carved turquoise earrings and the cool california sun. I could be called vain, but I appreciate the beauty that I conjure. You don't want to see certain things alone though. It's rather sad to dress up and make up and style yourself for a photo-shoot that never happens. I have an ouevre of works that I have taken of myself. I can only be pretty when I am safe.
Thought about why I don't want to move to Wilmington just yet.
Living in los angeles is hard for me. It frightens me to advertise myself, and I always feel useless. I don't really know how to talk about anything but things of interest to me. Everything else is a polite stammer with zingers thought of hours later. I rehash. I bore myself sometimes.
I was testing his fat by pinching him with my manacle when he asked what I would have of him? Would I want him to tell the same old stories that he always tells? Would I want him to have to repeat it all when he was already restless with the monotany. I suppose his point of view was that I was to be a catalyst away from all that - that I would be the person that he could build his new self with - removed from anything but magic and sex. I quickly fizzled for him as I was mortal.
A dumb human.
Interestingly enough, at the end, it quite surprised me that brian wasn't who I thought he was either. We really didn't have much to say to each other. It has become something I quite romanticize now, but who knows? Had I had the freedom to pursue and be pursued like a normal person, likely the whole gamut would be different. However, you must remember that nothing would have happened had I not been who I was and tangled. Billions and billions of stars.
I want to live in los angeles just a touch longer because this is a town - like new york - where you can gamble with your life more overtly. We are the vegas of dreams.
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