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post #4
bio: genevieve
perma-link
11/10/2003
17:22

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The Worthy Heart

I am feeling anxious. My heart gulping. I have to be nowhere. I have nothing to do. Yet the beast of anticipation hounds me.

I am dreaming of collection agencies seizing my property. Yet I have no overdue bills.

I am haunted. I am afraid. Coupled with this feeling there is a feeling of being surrounded by a great fortress. To enter my space requires a massive effort.

I hope secretly he is building a Trojan horse. Or tuning up his band of horns and drums.

I want to be tricked. Fooled into love. Into intimacy.

For months I planned and strategized as to how I would bring down his Jericho. Then one day it didn't even fall. It just vanished. Now he is open and willing.

And as for me?

(combination number)-three full rotations backward-(combination number)-two full rotations forward-(combination number) Simple. Calculated.

Everyday the numbers add up. Everyday I deposit the gains, balance the losses. Everyday I figure it all out.

And when I return home?

My heart gulps and I dream of ruin.
   
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